Monday, January 31, 2011

Edward Hopper "Nighthawks"


I have always been fond of the painting, "Nighthawks", by Edward Hopper. He painted it before I was born. It was one of the themes one could choose for a personae for Firefox this morning. I bought a book of Hopper's paintings years ago when it went on sale at Barnes and Noble. It was one of three books of paintings I have bought there since coming to Redding. Unfortunately, it is one of the books my ex-husband "liberated" from my house when I was in Korea.

I like all of his paintings, but "Nighthawks" is my favorite. It reminds me of my time in large cities when I was going to college and I lived alone. I was very busy going to classes and working. It was pre-Reagan in California where anyone who wanted to go to college could. All you had to do was find a job that was compatible with your schedule and although that wasn't easy the amount of money it took to pay for college was affordable or it was until Ronald Reagan as governor took care of that and made sure property taxes went down and the cost of college went up. People like me could not afford to go anymore. Still, I attended classes long enough to get most of my education completed.

Most writers who describe Hopper's paintings tell their readers how alienated and lonely their subjects are in the scenes he depicted. I always felt I was in those paintings and I did not feel that. Yes, people were not connecting to others because they were lost in thought. "Nighthawks" was painted during World War II. People had a lot on their mind. When I was living the life that seemed to echo those paintings, it was the Viet Nam War. Many of us had lots of things on our mind as well.

Hopper's subjects are looking out of windows but not seeing because they were looking inward at something else. They were looking at their lives and they were accepting it all in a very calm way. I was not so calm in those years, and if I was a character in a Hopper painting, I would have looked differently or not been in the painting at all. I wanted to move, jump, fly, dream or anything past the horizon to something else although I did not know what was on that horizon. Now, I look out my window and see the Redding Cemetery and know full well what is on the horizon. That is what age does to one. It gives some more information. That can be good and not so good.

Hopper did other paintings such as those at the seaside. He spent some time painting boats and beaches without any people in them. They are very pleasant to look at, but he is most known for the studies of people in the cities, in rooms, on porches and so on.

Am I a healthier person because I can accept my fate on a more realistic basis than when I was younger and figured that I had all the time in the world? I don't know. I am a happier person overall but I never woke up in the middle of the night with the knowledge that I am going to die someday. The first time that happened was years later when I had surgery for cancer.

I was arrogant to be sure, but all young people are. Now, I listen or read the comments of young people and it tires me sometimes. Was I that boring? Probably. I thought I had all of the answers now I know I never even had the questions. Louis Armstrong said that living once was enough until he got older and then he changed his mind. Once is not enough. I think when you get old, it can be. You get tired. I am not there yet. Still, It is nice to wake up in the morning to see the rosy sky of dawn as I am doing now even if it is over the dang blasted cemetery.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Lavenders


Everyday, I like to put some theme on my Firefox browser and match it on my Google Page and then my Wallpaper for both computers. It doesn't always work, but most of the time it does. On my electronic journal, I sometimes continue to use the same theme. I never know what the theme will be from day to day. Today it is lavenders as it just seem to suit me.

Not far from my house here in Redding, there is a street up in the mountains near Shingletown named Inwood Road. It is a lazy almost meandering type of road that is maintained by the Power and Light Company for its utility services. There are some nice homes on it and some farms with cows, cattle and even one with llamas. One farm has lavender fields with well maintained farm houses and fences. When I have some extra gas in the car and the weather is good, I often drive the road and enjoy the scenery as it not only travels through farm country but hills and mountains with impressive views ending up on another road that leads down from Whitmore. The lavender reminds me of that farm.

This part of the world is very beautiful. It is not particularly populated although Redding is not small as it has around 85, 000 people. It is small enough that the surrounding countryside is not filled with track homes or other towns of that size. There are few factories although there are a few that push their poisons into the air. On some lists, Redding often makes the most polluted list which is unfortunate. However, one can see the Milky Way at night. There are lots of mountains and streams and only one major highway.

My favorite place is Whiskeytown Park, which is a US Park and is not huge but very beautiful. There are other parks such as Shasta Lake and Dam. There are some nice California State Parks. It is unknown what will happen to them under the new governor.

Lavender is just one of the nice things that are grown around here to make money for farmers. There used to be strawberries, but I don't see them anymore. There are some fish hatcheries. Some wineries exist along with the growing of grapes. Closer to Chico are orchards of almonds but there are little in the growing of orchards. I have seen some Christmas tree farms. I almost wish there were more lavender growing. It always looks so nice growing in their straight rows.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Exercise


I am still having trouble exercising. In Korea, I just got up and got dressed and left my apartment. I walked to the bus stop which was exercise in itself. Hung on to dear life once I was on the bus and then did some work while at Home Plus which was a nice safe place. I often walked around the place looking at things and saying hello to different people. It was all inside so I did not have to worry about the weather.Then going back to my apartment was an adventure in itself as well because it was even more exercise as I had to climb steps down below a bridge that took me under a busy intersection and then up again. I knew once I got here to California, I would not have the same situation and I was correct.

I can't walk to anywhere without running into loose dogs and some of them are dangerous. It does no good to call the police because they won't come out here. I have a fear of dogs in the first place. Most people when they walk about here carry some sort of weapon and I carry a cane. The man down the street shot one dog who attacked his grandson. So walking to anything is not a great idea. I have not had the energy to stick the DVD of Denise Austin in the player and jump around my room. I am looking forward to joining a club next week in which I will exercise with a group of people and on machines five days a week. I have got to do it or face losing the physical stamina that I gained in Korea. I can't change my neighborhood.

People in Korea are basically honest and being attacked on the streets is a very rare thing. Men can be rude to women there but they don't hit them or try and grab their purses. It is very rare to see Koreans on the street begging for money or work. I saw a few with drinking problems, but their presence not only startled me but the Koreans as well. Older seniors often are seen working until they are very elderly. Younger Koreans take their parents around everyplace. When they get sick, they are often cared for in the home although this is changing. I saw some wondering aimlessly. The point I am making is I felt safer there than I do here.

The club that I am going to join is not expensive and I can afford it. My son says once I do it for a month that he will authorize funds from my account to pay for an entire year. I just have to do it for a month. The place is full of seniors. It is not far from here and is better than the other place that I looked at. I will be around people, and I think I need that too.

It is too bad I can't do what I did in Korea because I missed walking to bus stops and going to Home Plus for coffee and lunch but this is now and that was then. I can't wait too long to find a suitable exercise plan or I will lose what I worked so hard to achieve. Too bad because I really had such fond memories of the place and the walks that I took and the rides on the buses even if they were wild.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Advantages and disadvantages


I am reading a biography of Peter Mark Roget ("The Man Who Made Lists: Love, Death, Madness, and the Creation of Roget's Thesaurus" by Joshua Kendall Putnam: 2008) that I checked out of the library yesterday. Roget lost his father at a very early age and his mother was obsessed with him and had no interest in his sister. She read everything he wrote in his notebooks even when he wrote in other languages such as French and Latin. He learned not to express his thoughts and opinions. He carried this habit throughout his life.

As a child, I had filled notebooks full of my writings which included stories, journals, opinions and such. No one in my family cared what I put in those notebooks. No one cared what books I read. Like Roget's family, the real star was the son. No one cared about his sister and what she was doing. No one cared about my sister and I.

Certainly, I suffered from this neglect and I remember feeling the pain and sorrow of no one caring about me because I was not a boy. I was considered not important, not essential. I was rejected as a human being. As I have written in earlier posts, I am a optimistic person. Where there is a down side, there is an up side as well.

There was a lot of attention given to my brother. My mother did all of his homework so he could play with his friends so he never learned all that he was supposed to learn in school. I had to do my own. He had a bike and later a car so he could go where he wanted. I had to walk and later to use his bike when he got a car. I was healthier because I used my own two feet. My mother would give my brother cigarettes from my father when he asked for them and he became very addicted to them. I was slapped when I asked. I never smoked.

In Roget's case, he turned down the help his mother gave him. He kept his notebooks and compiled lists that later turned into the "Roget's Thesaurus" that everyone knows today. My brother had trouble dealing with the problems of too much mother love. It ended up killing my brother as he killed himself years later.

I felt free to read what I wanted. I also felt free to write what I wanted to as well. Maybe because the number of people reading my blogs are few that it does not bother me, it gives me tremendous freedom to write what I want to write. I really love to express myself on these blogs. I learned that the only person who would stop me from expressing what I wanted to say was myself. Of course, I took my hints from the outside world, but the buck stopped with me. That is the advantage in having people not interested in one's work as a child.

I wrote down in earlier posts on this blog that I am not happy with the controls that one of my sons is putting on me as far as my financial situation. I am still not happy with that and am still working to remove those restrictions. Still, there are advantages for I was taken advantage by my relatives although not that son. I had a tendency to hoard things which I have been cured. I live basically in one room now. I am learning to say no to my grandsons.

I would love to live alone in a house again only because I want to safeguard my things in case I take a trip again. I have a lock on my door, but it would not take much to get into my room should I take a small trip which I intend to do this summer. It would not be the son who lives in my house that is the problem but that ex-husband again. On the other hand, I used to think that I was too hasty in divorcing him and that all of those times he would tell me my perceptions about him were in my mind might have been correct, I now know were right on. That is a relief.

As I said, there are advantages and disadvantages to every situation. My son who controls my financial situation feels that I am not competent to handle my own affairs and that people take advantage of me. I lived a year in Korea and had no problems. I know someday I might have some problems, but I am alright for now. Even my doctor agrees with me. I am hoping that I will never have to live in any sort of home but on my own. It really upset a favorite aunt of my mine to share a room with three others in the last years of her life. She, like me, loved her privacy. Old age places or homes don't recognize the need for seniors to have solitude. Efficiency is prized over the needs of the individual. I really doubt if this will change in my lifetime. It will be best if I can take care of myself for the rest of my life. I am hoping I can do this. The majority of seniors live out their lives on their own terms.I want to be this way too.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Library


To save money, I have been going to the library. I reserve the books I want on hold and then I wait until the library sends me an email that they are ready to be picked up. The only problem I have is that I have to read them quickly as they have due dates. The advantage is that they don't cost me money, and they don't take room.

I went into the library book store and picked up one book out of many to choose from. It was two dollars and I checked out my books and went to the health foods store and looked into buying some vitimin K which is recommended by those who are specialists in Celiac Disease.

I had a very pleasant talk with the librarian and with the volunteer that works in the second hand book store about books. Here in Redding, we don't really have a book club. When one is organized it is usually full when they have meetings. The newspaper had one for a while, but many of the people who went to it did not read the books and just wanted to hear the guests the newspaper invited to the meetings. It is no longer being held. The library has one, but I found it difficult as the head of the club choose books that she read many years ago and they were out of print. Someone told me that the club may have changed in that regard.

I put the new book," The Autobiography of Mark Twain", on reserve hold and it is unknown when I will be able to get that. I understand it is quite thick and I will have to read that book in a hurry.

Again, I tried to get my son to buy me a shower head as the old shower head is wearing out and it might cut my hand. He said no. I also asked him to return control to me of my bank accounts and my house. Again, it was no. Too bad I can't check a shower head out of the library.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Unhappiness of relatives


A relative asked me to sit down today and demanded that I not write about him anymore. I said I did not use his name on these blogs. He said it did not matter. It was to stop immediately. Well, I said I have a degree in journalism and taught it for years. I know that what I do on this blog and others is not libel and I will not be censored. He called another relative who told him the same thing.

I know other writers who write biographies and memoirs and the relatives don't like it when they are included. I have not done that but only include them on blogs. Well known writers, and more read than I am, still continue to write what they want. At least I don't have a reality show.

It would be different if I were writing stories I swear was true and saying things about one son who ran off with a chipmunk while married to a squirrel. Then you would know I was off my rocker. I believe there is a book about chipmunks and squirrels but it is a humorous book. I have issues, my relatives have issues. Heck, we all have issues.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Phone Call


I got a phone call from my son yesterday. He wanted to know if I paid my other son cat support. I said I did not have the money, but I was hopeful next month. He said that if I did not pay the cat support he would recommend that my younger son get rid of the cats by taking them to the pound. It was no joke. He meant it. My younger son would never do it. He is rather fond of the cats and even created Facebook accounts for each of them. My younger son said if I bought cat food then that would be fine. When he gave me a quote for cat support, it included my cell phone bill.

I have plenty of money but it is in savings which my oldest son says I cannot touch as it is for emergency only. Christmas gifts, cat support, the Internet, computers, all that I consider important are not emergencies. It would not be medical bills for all of my medical bills are taken care of. Food is not an emergency either. My ex-husband came to my house while I was gone and gutted my house and left a pile of trash in my yard. My oldest son is willing to consider it a emergency to get rid of yet, but not yet. My youngest is slowly getting it towed away.

When I first came in from Korea, I had no blankets, sheets(it is part of the trash in the yard) and very little clothes. I also got my driver's license renewed. That was not an emergency. I finally have enough. But I took the money from the savings without asking my oldest son which is why I cannot touch my bank accounts now. I spent about 200 dollars. That is the bad effects.

However, there is a good side to this. When a relative decided that he would borrow some money from me and take his time paying me back, if ever, my oldest son said he was filing a police report. The money got paid back and I learned a valuable lesson in not lending money out to relatives.

I was trying to buy a blanket so I could get my old zebra blanket back by trade. When my oldest son found out, he just ordered me to go to who had my zebra blanket and demand it back or else. I got it back within minutes. I am learning to grow a backbone. When I see things in my house that is mine, I claim it. I am learning not to let people talk me out of things.

I gave people things if they said they needed it. I am learning that this is enabling and the worst thing I can do is to give people what they want. People need to learn to take care of themselves even teenagers. I know when I needed something when I was growing up and I earned the money for it, I felt a great deal of pride in myself.

As in many things, there is a positive side as well as a negative one. I am still trying to take total control over my life. In the meantime, I am learning some valuable lessons that I really need to learn.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Being unhappy


I am an optimistic person by nature, but I am unhappy these days. I did not expect to be living the way I am living when I got here to California. The only thing that is keeping me going is that I am working on trying to make it more what I want it to be.

On the practical side, the cell phone that I got from my son here to replace the other one is working out much better than expected. I can play music on it which the other one you could not do. I am listening to it as I am writing this blog. The disadvantage is that it needs to be recharged much more often which is still not a problem since I am home more often then I would like. I can recharge it.

I finally got the exercise DVD and it is exactly what I wanted. My new computer in my room plays it very well and I can exercise in my room without any problems. Next week I have an appointment at a gym within walking distance from the house and open 24 hours a day. I really need to exercise regularly in order to continue to lose the weight and build up muscle tone and stamina. I will start Yoga soon here in my room and will use one of the many programs on the Internet.

Everyday, I write. I have another blog in which I am trying a new form of short fiction. Once it shapes up to where I want it to be, I will shut it down because I have no real copyright protection on the Internet. I am also doing my writing meditation in my journal everyday.

As I said, I am an optimist, but I also am someone who doesn't give up. I told my son in jest that by restricting me I might as well put my head in the oven. He laughed at me and said that my oven was electric and I might as well accept my situation and live within my limits. I have no intention of doing that. I have never done that. If I did, he would never have been born.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Taking offense



I have written in here that I had a very dysfunctional childhood. It taught me to look for the worse from any direction. Childhood does not last a long time but it is very influential. I had several jobs in work sites in which those in charge were as dysfunctional as my parents and just as abusive. Sometimes, we as human beings, go on automatic and expect what we had experienced before not thinking in the present. The same message runs through our mind over and over again. We react in the same way, defensively, over and over again sometimes when the situation is not what we perceive it really is. We don't think clearly. We just react.

The world is not a safe place nor is it a place full of the dangers we think we see. In order to survive, we have to see the world as it really is. If we think there is a monster around every corner, we don't see the occasional flowers or smell their scents. We become the grumpy people much like those who abused us were and become so fearful we lash out at anyone who comes near us.

It does no good to blame our past or the people who did what they did to us. Most of them, at least in my life, are dead. The best I can do is to detach from them and what they did and to some extent forgive them by understanding how they got that way. That is very hard to do. I use journal writing and other forms of meditation to do that. I work hard to live in the present or live mindfully. That is hard too. When I get mad at someone I have to look at it and make sure I am not mad at something that happened years ago. Again, that is not easy to do but possible.

I feel better when I am not angry at people. I have more room in my mind for other things. I feel kinder towards others. I even can do things I could not do before like art work. My skills have picked up because I have more room in my mind for other things. I am not ruminating about how this person did this to me and that person forgot to do this and so forth. My stress level is much lower. I am always being surprised how many illnesses are connected to high stress levels.

On the other hand, I am going to get mad at people for good reason and that is alright. It happens, but I am going to try and not dwell on it for over 48 hours and not years. I remember a kid hitting me on my side where I just had major surgery when I was 10 years old. His name was Michael and he was blond and no one liked him because he was such a bully. On Valentine's Day, I gave him a card in class because I thought I was supposed to. No one in the class gave him one and this was after he had hit me and it did not harm to me. He had given no one any cards and spent the rest of the hour in class telling me that his mother had bought him cards and he forgot to bring them. I am 66 years old and that was 56 years ago and he is an old man like me if he is still alive. It is an interesting story, but I am still mad at him. I keep everything. I need to let go especially since he was doing such a good job of punishing himself. I have never wrote about it, and I can feel the anger going as I look at him in my mind and feel as if it was a few weeks ago. It was a bubble in time that needs to be released to the Cosmos. I can still see him clearly, but I know I will begin to forget.

Sometimes, our mind does things to help us forget. I had a 6th grade teacher who was very verbally abusive to me for some reason. It affected the way I related to teachers for a long time. I wanted to do something to release my anger but did not know what. I wrote a letter to the principal to the school where he used to teach about five years ago and where I went to school. I really worked hard on that letter and sent it. I never got an answer not even a form letter. I had explained that it was such a harmful experience and took care to explain the incidents, the full name of the teacher and the years I went there and everything.

Then one night I had a dream in which I was in the school yard of that school with a friend I went to school with and was in the same class with him. We were 12 years old. I knew she was killed when she was 20 years old. Then I saw her sister who was in the classroom next door. She also was young. Then this awful teacher walked up and I told him off and said all of the things I had written in the letter. He nodded and listened. My anger was dissipated. I found out later that my friend's sister who was there had died a few years before I wrote the letter and wondered if that teacher was gone too. Most important was the fact that I was not angry anymore. There was an eerie light in the dream and everything seemed so real. I can see remember it so clearly.

I still do a lot of things that is a reaction but I catch it now but not as often as I would like. I tried to remember to analyze why I am angry at people when my temper flares up. I am often amazed at those who have huge reasons why they are mad at certain people but maintain a sense of compassion such as His Holiness, The Dali Lama. I am not the Buddha of Compassion but I try to live in the present and not do things without giving some level of thought to my actions. I just wish I could do it more.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Waste of money


Well, I am going to admit something I really hate to admit. If you are reading this, don't tell anyone. This whole thing of my son putting me on a budget may suck, but it has taught me one glaring fact and that I have not been paying attention to how I have been spending my money. I have been wasting it. I never even look at my balance. I just go out and buy what I need. Occasionally, I would bounce. I did not bounce in Korea because I had plenty of money and I used cash.

I still want total control of my life, but I have to admit I did not add what I had in my bank account and whether or not I could get something cheaper. I miss those days that I did not have to worry about whether I could afford to take my grandson out to a meal or not. I can afford a drink and maybe a desert but not a meal. I only have 20 dollars until Monday. Bummer. I have plenty of money, but I can't touch it because it is not an emergency. One's relationship with a grandson is not an emergency. Putting bars in the shower to keep one from falling is not an emergency. Getting food when one runs out is not emergency because it is one's fault. And on it goes.

I have never been good in managing money because I went from having no money to having some or some other reason. I am learning to be more mindful in looking at my funds and I am looking at my money in a different light. There is a advantage to everything that is happening, but as I said I still want my freedom.

Getting along


My youngest son and his oldest son who is almost 16 years old are not getting along. My son gets irritable easily. I know for I often hide from him at times. His own son is a good young man who is on the honor roll and has never been in any trouble and is liked by teachers and school officials. I tell him that he fights his father's rules such as not accepting his father's values and spending the weekends here. His son wants to spend it with his girlfriend's family. I consider that normal.

I really believe that my grandson loves his father but is going through a period of time in which he is losing respect for him. My son is not taking care of himself as well as he should. He has a girlfriend who is nice and cooks him wonderful meals, and he has gained weight. He weighs well over 300 lbs and rarely moves these days; and has I said he gets irritable very easily.

My youngest son doesn't get along with his father either; but then I don't either not since he emptied my house of my possessions while I was in Korea without my permission. My ex-husband is not allowed in my house whether or not I am here or not. I lost a huge amount of things and some of them very valuable. My son and his father are very much alike and that may be a problem. I don't know except I am not going to allow that to interfere with my relationship with my grandson.

I am going to take my grandson and his girlfriend out to coffee, tea or a cola this weekend and get to know her better. My grandson has gone through a string of girlfriends and this one has lasted a few months or so. I have met her family and they seem very nice. My grandson has always been a likable young man who gets along well with other people. He has mentioned along with his younger brother concerns about his father's health. I, too, have felt these concerns. It is normal for young men his age to rebel and to stretch out and learn about himself. I see him doing that in a way that is not self-destructive. He has never broken the law nor is he into the things many young men his age are into such as drugs and alcohol.

If he has a fault, it is his spelling skills. They are not strong. I don't consider that a serious problem. He is into computers and makes movies with friends that are good. He is kind to others and has learned signing so he can communicate with friends who have problems. I think he is puzzled by the anger his father is showing. He does love him and has no idea how to handle it so stays away from the whole situation. I am from a dysfunctional family background and my son's behavior is not bad compared to that, but again family ties are important. I am not letting any of them go because one member is silly enough to blame a son for his own self-hatred.

I have written in here that I tend to blame myself for my children's behavior. I am trying very hard not to do that. My youngest son is blaming his son for his own bad behavior. That is equally bad. He has no idea how lucky he is to have such fine sons.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Chocolate Cake


I went around the corner to the local supermarket to buy a six pack of diet cola for my small fridge and saw that the supermarket is now stocking some gluten-free merchandise. I have celiac disease and cannot eat gluten at all. As I looked into the freezer, I noted the usual array of gluten-free bread that I am not buying because I don't have a toaster since giving mine away to my son. He has been using it to toast regular bread and is not not usable for gluten-free bread as it would pick up the residue of gluten. I saw small packages of cake that were gluten-free. I could not resist and bought one. It was almost seven dollars and very small.

In Korea, I ate cheese cake ever so often because it was light and crust free in Korea. Chocolate cake is not light. It has been so many years that I had forgotten how heavy it can be. I have not eaten chocolate cake for over 30 years. Although I ate it last night, I can still feel the heavy saturated sinking calories when I ate it. It was too rich and way too filling. Normally, I don't eat breakfast as I have no interest in eating so early in the morning. This morning, I can't even think about food because of that piece of cake. Not only was it expensive, but it way too filling.

Sometimes, guilt comes in small packages and it came in a small package labeled cake. Ever so often, I get a thing for chocolate. I usually just have a cup of hot chocolate when I do. I have a can of it here in my room. I also keep it here for the kids especially for the youngest grandson who loves hot chocolate with whipped cream AND sprinkles. I ran out of whipped cream since the hot chocolate must be at least half full of whipped cream. He complained that I did not have sprinkles. I could not find any so far. I didn't think one could even taste them. I even put them in my hot chocolate for they looked attractive.

I am feeling guilty for the chocolate cake and it was the first one in 30 years. I did see some cheese cake but buying something that I would have to cut of a portion and then discard seemed such a waste. Now, I wish I had done that instead. When I was losing weight in Korea, it was with the occasional piece of cheese cake. I am not going to weigh myself for a few days after the cake. At least I tasted it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Freedom


When I was younger, I watched Rod Sterling's The Twilight Zone. In one episode there was a man who loved to read but never had the time because he had to work and do what his bosses told him to do. Please bear with me as I have not seen this particular episode since then. The man was played by the actor, Burgess Meridith. Anyhow, there was a nuclear Holocaust while he was in a vault somewhere and when he came out, everyone was gone. He was alone. He was in a large city and looking around he discovered that the utilities would continue and there was plenty of food for him to eat and clothes to wear. Most of all there were plenty of books to read and no one to tell him what to do. Then as he was celebrating his freedom, he broke his very thick glasses. That is one of the reasons I did not watch The Twilight Zone very much because of its pessimistic twist which I don't happen to share.

Anyhow, I liked the episode because he finally got his freedom although he did not have companionship. He was willing to sacrifice everything for his total freedom to do what he wanted to do. Later in life when my wants started to outweigh my physical needs, I turned things around and thought that if my physical needs were satisfied then I could give up some of my freedoms. If I lived in Eden, I would just obey the old man that walked around in the garden and not eat from the one tree I wasn't supposed to eat from. Well, I have learned that being human means exercising what was given to all of us, free will.

I realize that I have more degrees of freedom than many in this world, but I want it all because for a while I did. I had the freedom to spend my money where I wanted, go where I wanted, be who I wanted. I am not willing to give that up.

I grew up in the richest country in the world but always had to contend with getting enough to eat, enough clothes to wear and no help from my family in getting an education. They had the money but they spent it on other things. It was spent on my father's hobbies and not on anything else including my mother who had to walk everywhere carrying the groceries and did housework to get money to pay for the little things for us kids and herself. I thought it would have been a neat thing to be in a situation in which I would have enough money to eat, clothes, time to read and a room. Since I worked all of my life without a period of unemployment even when I was having my children I thought having all of the time to do what I wanted to do which would include reading would be pure heaven. To complain about this, would be so middle class, so middle American. Well, I have learned I was wrong.

All those years that I dreamed about living in a tower having all that time to myself, books to read, food to eat, clothes to wear was nice from a distance but not when you have to actually live it. I need the freedom of living life on my own terms even if it means not knowing where my next meal is coming from which in the past I did not know. Maybe that is why I was able to stay employed when I was disabled for such a large portion of my life. There were no people there to take up the slack. There were no husbands, no trust funds, no inherited monies to make sure I had enough to keep the cupboards stocked. If I did not put food in the fridge, there would be nothing to eat. I made sure there was food for my children and me.

I am 66 years old. I will not always be able to be able to take care of myself. I can now, but I have relatives who disagree. They feel they know what is best for me. Someday, I might need that, but not now. Still, this gives me time to get ready to strike out on my own. Right now, I don't have to worry about paying bills. That's a new situation. I don't have to work at a regular job if I don't want to. I am now doing what I really want to do and I have my fingers crossed that it will pay enough for me to "run away" at least for the last part of my life. All of the money that I have coming in is mine. I earned it. I just can't spend it the way I want. I will just have to earn more and that will be mine to do with whatever I want as it is not in the pot, so to speak. I just have to believe I can do it. My doctor thinks I am fine and don't need this sort of care. Thank goodness it is not legal.

I have learned a lot about freedom of late. Being taken care of, isn't enough. Having one's needs taken care of isn't enough. You have to have the freedom to control all aspects of your life not matter how much your guards love you. At least it isn't for me and I suspect it isn't for others as well.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Getting in my skin


I got a call from my son who told me that he sent me my allowance for the week to my other son who lives in my house with me. It was early in the morning so I went out of my room and found him on the sofa and he had it in cash. I did some work in my room including a wash and then went out to eat and then sat at Barnes and Noble who has a Starbucks inside the store. I did some reading of some magazines and drank coffee. I also bought a book that had crock pot recipes after going through a bunch of them that were on sale. I wanted a book I could take in my purse so when I shop at the Redding Canned Goods, I could choose the recipe that matched whatever the store had on sale. One never knows what is in Redding Canned Goods Store.

I also bought my new phone which meant I could listen to music from Rhapsody. The phone I now have is what is called a android phone because it can do a bunch of things including connecting to the Internet. I am now subscribing to a music service as I did before I went to Korea. I had a MP3 player, but with my phone I can just hook up to Rhapsody and play the kind of music I want and listen to it with my earphones(buds) that I got in Korea. It was very pleasant.

Before I left the house to have lunch, my son said that he went out earlier to get my money because he knew I would complain if he did not have it for me. That hurt my feelings but I said nothing. I went back to my room and did some work on some stuff and drank some coffee. Then as I said I did the wash and got dressed and left. I stayed at Barnes and Noble until 6pm.

I eat one meal a day and tomorrow, I will buy a cheap meal at a good deli and eat at the park. I will do some drawing and writing in my journal and some reading. I will be going to the Redding Canned Foods Outlet on Wednesday because seniors get 10 percent off their bill and I will be buying food to make in my crock pot. That will save me more money. I will come home to work on the computer. I will be taking my crock pot cook book on Wednesday.

I wrote earlier that I have not been happy since coming home a month ago. Things have changed in that I have made up my mind to get into my skin and create my life the best way I can and not worry what any family member thinks of me. I am writing now full time and getting ready to send things out very soon. I am editing my book and getting things ready for that as well. I also checked out some books from the library and have some ideas about making money through free lancing as I used to do.

I talk with people who have similar problems and we all have different ideas on what we are going to do with our situation. I live in a good place, have plenty to wear and eat. Barnes and Noble just sent me an email that my exercise DVD will be here any day so I can exercise. I have not been doing as much as I would like since coming back. I did far more in Korea than I do here. I hate gyms and walking is not an option since there are so many loose dogs around here. One neighbor down the street shot one dog and it was in the paper. We live in the city and in a good part of town but he could not get the police to come out. He was not arrested, but I don't have a gun and would feel really awful doing something like that. It also helps that he was a county supervisor. I will just exercise here in my room.

A while back, many years ago I read a book that had a title that was "How to be Your Best Friend". That is what I am learning to be right now. I don't have to work. I live in a comfortable room with many luxuries such as two computers that includes a TV, a full bathroom, a small fridge, two coffee pots, two crock pots, a safe, stereo speakers, dresser, bookcase, a desk, a table and I still have room to exercise. I don't have to work if I don't want to. I think that is pretty nifty, but freedom is pretty important too. Being one's best friend is important and learning to live in one's skin is as well.

It's not that I am in prison and living a terrible life. Not at all. In many ways, it is a good life. Its just not my life. I will bide my time and work on improving my situation and not give up. One must believe in one's vision.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Priorities


I was a single parent for most of the time I was raising my children. When I was married, I discovered that my children's father expected me to take the lead on many of the things we did as a family. At first, I did not want to do that as I was taught that the woman was the helpmate of the head of the family and the head was the man. When things were not moving, when action was needed to be taken and not taken because my spouse was waiting for me to make the decision I went ahead and made the decision.

I wanted to help support the family and asked my children's father if he minded if I made more than he did. He said he did not. He did. I worked for the government and and since I had a college degree and he did not I made more. Soon, I earned another college degree. I started to earn even more. I did it all so I could support the kids and get them the things my children neeeded. I did things for others. My family was my priority.

Now, my children don't need me. They have families of their own. Not only do I have trouble letting go of them, but it is evident they are having trouble letting go of me. This is part of what has been happening since coming back home. I have changed since my arrival. I am far more independent. I now want to live my life independent of theirs. The resulting feelings that I am having is resentment and anger of having my liberties curtailed. From what I have learned from other women in my age range, they are having some of the same problems. Their children want them to act their age, as one woman said. Her son said stop running around and stay home where you belong, he said. Some women said they are free babysitters and housekeepers and indeed that has happened to me a few times at least as a babysitter.

The priority has changed. Now, I don't think of them first or I am trying not to. I am now thinking of me first. I am not used to it for I keep sliding back, but I am working on it. It might sound a bit boring to some, but it is revolutionary to me. I have my own life now. When I had a special friend in Korea, I had to take care of him at times. Now, it is me and only me. I had no idea this has been happening to senior citizens. When I was younger, I never gave them a thought. I looked at them, walking around with walkers, canes or surrounded by wrinkles and covered with gray hair or no hair at all and just took for granted that they were always old. Can you imagine the discovery when I became one of them? And all of those babies now looking at me doing to me what I did to seniors so many years ago? I wish I knew all of this stuff years ago.

Something troubling me


I have been back in the USA for about a month and to be honest, I have been unhappy. I have been running into one batch of problems after another.Today, I went out to breakfast at Homestyle Buffet by myself and then grabbed a cup of coffee at Starbucks and headed out to Whiskeytown Lake to do some writing in my journal and to find out what the problem was.

When I came back from Korea, my family expected me to return to the same situation I was in before, but I can't. I have changed. They have put the clamps down on my freedom and one of my sons has the power to make some changes that I don't like. Senior citizens don't have as much rights as one would think they do. No one is taking anything away from me. He is monitoring my expenses and not my movements or purchases. Still, I don't like it.

I am not going to be able to change things in the near future, but I can see making some changes sometime. I can see how it will be done. It will take time. What I did not expect was my unwillingness to believe that I could do it. I wanted to give up and just stay in my room in my house and just be the person I was before I left for Korea. It occurred to me that I had a choice and that I could continue and slowly wither away or believe in my vision and continue what I started in 2010 and go forward. I may be 66 years old but I am not dead yet. The reason I have a healthy retirement is that I worked hard and I can continue to believe in myself. Life is not over for me yet.

Many seniors are cheated and I am not in that position for no one is taking anything away from me. My checks are being protected and my house is cared for. No one is harming me or telling me where I can go and what I can do. I am just not really to give up any of my freedoms just yet. Maybe, I might have to someday but not now.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Cell Phone Wars


When I returned to the USA, my son got me a cell phone without any input from me. I wasn't happy with the phone, but I took the phone and went with it. I could never work the darn thing very well and then it quit. I had it less than a month and had paid for one month's unlimited use. So much for that. There were no stores up here in Redding to take the phone to anyhow. My other son will be giving me a new phone although I don't have my new number as yet. I will be getting a better phone.

I did not complain because I don't know how long I will be here until it is time to go somewhere else. I don't want to enter into a contract with any cell phone company. I am working to finish the editing of the book that I wrote in Korea. I also want to complete some other projects while here in Redding. I have other things that I want to do. At the end of those things, I will have no idea what I will want to do at that time. Who knows?

I am beginning to feel like a monk in my room. My room is about the same size as my apartment in Korea except I have more conveniences. I have a car and access to my retirement checks to some extent. I also can use the library here in Redding which I did for the first time today. They are really understaffed and this is before the governor has cut down their money.

The cell phone is an example how things are different here as my phone will be costing me 50 dollars a month while the one that I had in Korea cost about 10 dollars a month. The phone I had in Korea was a lot better than the one I am giving up here. However, I am getting one that is better soon. My son here in Redding has a Internet phone and a cell phone. I just want a cell phone and no longer have a land line. I am glad I am getting rid of that phone which just did not work at all.

Staying Healthy, Getting Healthier


Staying healthy and getting healthier means living in my own skin. I hear this often from the things I read and from other people. It needs to be repeated to me often because I find myself outside of myself paying a lot of attention to other people's concerns and problems instead of my own. It means that it is a lot easier being a busy body than paying attention to matters at hand. We all do it, and I am no exception. So, I am going to repeat it here.

I read articles all of the time about getting more readers for my blogs and Tweets. As one can tell, I don't pay a lot of attention to it. What I do pay attention to is I am forever getting involved in other people's problems when I have plenty of my own. That does not mean I can't care what is happening around me. I can care that scientists are putting the wrong kind of bands around the flippers of penguins so that they are having trouble swimming or that people with mental problems are getting their hands on assault rifles and shooting people. I care and want to do something to limit the damage that is being done to the environment and to my fellow human beings. There are things I can do to limit those things and still pay attention to my own problems.

I can stop feeling sorry when my family doesn't do things for me that I think they should. I can do them for myself. I raised my sons to be independent. They are in their middle ages now. They can take care of themselves. If I don't have anything to do, I can find my own way in the world. I have been doing that for many years. Some of the reasons that the younger generations don't care for the older ones is that we want to hang on to them. We need to let go. Of course, many of us can't do everything we used to do. We need help ever so often. It is right and good for us to ask for help when we do; but like old soldiers we do need to fade away when the time is right. I am not ready to fade. I still have things to do and don't need help doing them. They don't need help doing their stuff either.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Forgiving


Listening to President Obama at the memorial service in Arizona, I heard many things about honoring the people who died in the tragedy a few days ago when a disturbed young man killed and injured people in a supermarket. The president talked about there being evil in the world but that it could be defeated by being civil to each other even if you disagree. We are all human beings and we are all Americans. The president talked about healing and not about politics.

In order to forgive, you have to face whatever it was that needs to be forgiven. You don't need to have the other person do anything or cooperate. Forgiving is something you do for yourself and it is a matter of letting go of the attachments you have to the anger. In the case of the person who fired the shots, it is possible he has no idea what he did. He may be totally incapable of understanding his own actions let alone accepting responsibility. Some people are blaming political pundits for their words and their websites. The president rejected this finger pointing. He wanted all of America to be better than this. He was directing a sense of healing for everyone.

Forgiving, letting go of one's anger is healthy for everyone. Unfortunately, it is not always possible. One time, I was in a restaurant in the San Francisco Airport and someone got me very angry for something that I have since forgotten. What I did remember was that when I got onto the plane that took me to Redding, I was very angry at whoever it was that I thought created the situation. The plane got into trouble and I thought it was going to crash. I did not want to die with that much anger in my heart. I was trying so hard to detach from it and couldn't. Now, I don't remember what the incident was. Obviously, the plane did not crash, but if it did I would have died with a whole lot of anger.

I don't have any real anger for the man who shot the congresswoman but I feel so much sorrow for those who died especially the nine year old girl who was born on 9/11.I did not know any of them personally. I doubt if the man with the pistol will ever understand the extent of his actions anymore than other people who have done similar things. Life is what it is. It is full of sorrow and unhappiness. It is karma that will rule in the end. If someone had shot someone I loved, the story would have been different.

I am grateful for the message that President Obama gave all of us. We need to heal and to forgive and to treat each other with respect. That is the only way we can overcome the terrible event that has caused so much pain and suffering. We need to reflect within and examine our own hearts and minds for the strength that is needed for the long journey ahead so we as a people can heal as those who were injured can heal too.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pleasing our relatives


Part of the effort to be healthy is for many of us, me included, is the effort to please our relatives and in my case, my grown children. I have worked very hard to succeed personally and in my career. I have felt that my parents did not appreciate what I did in my life. They did not even bother to go to my high school graduation nor to the other graduations of my college degrees. Yet, my sons state that what I have done is just an extension of who I am. All those years where I forced myself to go to work and support them means nothing. The fact that I have three pensions coming in and my own house means nothing. I had to stop this pity party and look at it from a detached point of view. I was missing the bigger picture.

I had written about being concerned about the happiness of my grown up children and being involved in their everyday lives. It is wrong for me to do it. I have praised them for what they have done and yet I try and help them all that I can do. That is wrong too. It is not only wrong for them, but it is wrong for me. I sacrificed for them and they feel that it was their due. I never gave them the room for their feelings of self-accomplishment. I am still trying to place some control over them although indirect and they are resisting.

In Buddhist philosophy, there is no such thing as black and white thinking. Many people think this way too. Rigid thinking is not healthy thinking. I have forced them into this type of thinking and even that is an over estimation of my effect. They are trying to hammer out their own lives and I am interfering. It is not healthy for me either. They are not the villains and I am the heroine.

The key to everything is always the same thing and I forget all of the time and it is mindfulness. There is a new branch of psychology that stresses mindfulness in patients. In Buddhism, it is the cornerstone of looking at life. It is not easy to do, but one must detach and I guess I am boring in my constant repeating of it. Well, it is what I am dealing with right now. It is the way I can get healthier. Life is what it is, not a one strict interpretation.

I am really going to try and work on it today and stay out of their lives and work on the only one available to me, my own. It is the purpose of this blog and the only reason I started it. I don't want to go back to the way I was before I went to Korea.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Rewards and punishments


There is implied in this culture and Western Society a set of beliefs and values that are divided into rewards and punishments. I am sure much is derived from the Christian Tradition, but I don't think it could be placed at that particular religious doctrine since it had to be in our history before the religion slid so neatly into place.

Its a simple concept really. If you eat your vegetables, you can have desert. If you do your homework then you can watch television. Of course, these admonitions are for children. But they carry into adulthood. If you do your exercises and eat right, you, too, can be a normal and functioning human being. If you pay your taxes and obey the law then you won't go to jail and lose your bank account and your job. You can function as a law abiding citizen. People will look up to you and you will not be hassled by the police. It is when someone does all of the right things and he or she gets caught up in all of the things that are not supposed to happen that you see the disillusionment on their faces. It happens. As the saying goes: shit happens.

This same point of view is used by people to punish those who are over-weight. The assumption is made that they have not been doing what they were supposed to be doing. People in all levels of society have this prejudice If those who are over-weight have been doing what they are supposed to been doing, they would not be over-weight. Thus, many feel justified in punishing those who are breaking the rules.

What I am writing is a gross over-simplification of what happens in our world everyday. The system of rewards and punishments that is meted out by people in their actions towards one another is done without much thinking and certainly without mindfulness for it is not compassion that rules these actions but the easier stereotypical thinking and reacting.

We all find ourselves in situations that we never expected to be in. The scale we keep under the bed is showing a number much too high. The doctor tells us we have diabetes now. We have too high blood pressure and so on. I knew this man and his wife who were vegetarians who ate so well and exercised religiously and took a physical to get into a new occupation and found out he was a diabetic. He was in shock. He looked at everyone else with their stomach paunches and bad eating habits and he did none of that. Yet, it was he that had to start on insulin. One of the people he looked at was me. He had really looked down his nose at me. Lots of people do.

I lost weight in Korea, but I still need to lose more. I am scrambling around to find a good exercise program that I can incorporate into my life. I eat very little and thank goodness I have not gained since coming back home. I still get the prejudice from being over-weight. I get it for my age too. Many people feel they have to download their prejudices on me. I won't accept it, but I have stopped unloading my anger on them.

The one thing I am trying to get rid of is the rewards and punishment mode that is so prevalent in the society and culture that I live in. If my grandsons are nice to me, I will take them out for hamburgers sort of thing. I am so over that. If I get my writing done, I can go out and get my shopping done. If I drink my coffee, I can reward myself with a nice meal later. No, I am not going to do that. I don't know what I am going to do, but this rewards and punishments is not for me.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Crock pots


I had a large crock pot that I used in the winter, but it was borrowed by my son and his family. I went to the Redding Canned Foods Outlet last night and bought another one for a very low price of $14.99. The pot can be taken out and put in the fridge and in the dishwasher. It is like having a nice grandmother who makes soup for lunch. I used to have an aunt who would make borscht for lunch with whole wheat bread on the side. She made it with liver which I always hated but loved the soup otherwise. Now, I can count on having my crock pot to myself anytime.

The reason I went out to buy the crock pot in the first place yesterday was that I had a can of soup for lunch and ended up putting all sorts of things into it that I wondered why I did not give up and buy another crock pot. I could not use mine as it was in use. I went to the Outlet to see if they had any and found just the one I wanted with one third off. Then to my surprise I found ground turkey for one third off too. I found other things for my soup for a lot less than what I had paid for the same things a week ago.

The recipes for crock pot soup is generally the same, and I just use whatever meat is on sale although I prefer turkey if I can get it at a reasonable price. I buy fresh and frozen vegetables and of course the old standby, beans. I had bought organic and paid $1.39 but paid .99 at the Outlet. I can get some nice cheap coffee there but not the coffee that I use for my Keurig. I ended up getting both. In making and drinking coffee, it is the milk or in my case the half and half that is the real expense. Last night, I bought a bag of mixed fresh vegetables for less than a dollar and put the whole bag in. I bought some sauce with lots of spices for $1.49 because it was Paul Newman's brand which is very good. It is a shame but you have to pay extra to keep things out of one's food; but in the case of this brand some of the profits goes to worthy charities.

I forgot to weigh myself this morning, but I did weigh myself yesterday. I had bought a scale which is easy to read. I miss the scale with the stones that I had in Korea. The flu that I have been sick with for the last few days seems to be gone. I am drinking coffee with half and half made from my Barrista that I bought from Starbucks when I retired from the State of California in 2002 which still makes excellent coffee. I am using the coffee some lovely ladies from a Dunkin Donuts in Daejeon, Korea gave me as a going away present. It was in my luggage and gave my clothes such a lovely aroma. I have such fond memories of Korea.

The crock pot is also a very healthy way of eating. I know that everyone says one should eat a healthy breakfast, but I never eat breakfast because I am not hungry. I never eat unless I am hungry. By noon or so, I am ready to have something to eat and the crock pot will be ready to deliver a nice bowl of turkey vegetable soup. If I really get hungry later, I will have another bowl. At the end of the day, I will put the inside part of the crock pot in the fridge. I must have a low metabolism and eat very little to maintain myself. Unfortunately, I can't eat gluten which means I spend more money than usual on food. I never eat at fast food restaurants since they don't cater to people such as myself. If I go out, I eat at places like Homestyle Buffet. Since becoming a senior, I take advantage of the senior citizen discount.

Someone told me that she lost a lot of weight with the Weight Watchers program and has maintain her weight loss because she still reports to the program. I am glad she found something that works. I don't need someone to report to as I like to follow my own whims and do things on my own. I know that I don't use the crock pot all of the time, but in the winter I use it quite often and less so in the warmer months. To me, it is like having someone around who cooks one's meals. I like it every so often but I like variety too. The trick is not to substitute variety for unhealthy foods. In Korea, it was rare for me to do it. I ate a chocolate bar every so often but it really did nothing for me but put on the pounds or stones. I have not been tempted to eat candy since coming home. Here, I can eat chips and I have with melted cheese because cheese which was rare in Korea is so readily available here; but now that I got that out of my system I am good. At least I did not gain weight from it. I think the body craves what is good for it. I love eating the food that I can cook from a crock pot. If I remain mindful and plan my meals carefully, I should be fine.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

To live or not to live


I was reading a review of a young adult book in which the protagonist is in a place in which she must decide whether to come back to life or to go onto death. It was "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman. This otherwise positive review raised some questions for me. The protagonist was a young musician who lingers in the in between world between life and death. The questions she faces, I would think, present itself to all of us at one time or another whether old or young whether to continue existence in this world or not or to give up the struggle. Is this a new question? Can it be labeled suicide? No, I don't think so. That is a package, neatly wrapped and put under a tree. Most questions are not put into a box.

A year ago, the pain of just moving was immense for me and although I never considered giving up the struggle of existence, it did occur to me on many mornings as I looked out my bedroom window that it just wasn't worth getting up and engaging in the world. Younger people often think of the older person as not having much benefit to anyone and never consider their existence of much value anyhow, so if you are one to listen to others you might think it wasn't of much use. I wasn't one to listen so I got up but too many times I did not. It was a form of living death to lie there and to read and watch television.

Today, I am in bed and this laptop is in my lap. I have the flu. Last night it was worse and I feel so much better, but the bug is lingering on. Luckily for me, I bought some things to read yesterday but unlucky for others I probably was contagious too although I did not know it. Sorry, to all that I came in contact with.

The question of staying in this world is not a quaint or odd one at all. I certainly entertained that very subject on many occasions growing up. I am optimistic by nature and figured that I would be in a better place than in the dysfunctional world of childhood. Besides, childhood had books and that was of immense help to me. I did not care for school very much but I loved college especially graduate school. All of those years spent in dull and desperate classrooms were worth those wonderful golden times in graduate school. If I had the money and the opportunity, I would go on and get my phd. I have no idea what I would do with it, but if graduate school was anything to judge, I would probably enjoy my time in getting a doctorate in English literature.

Every morning when each of us opens our eyes, there is an implied decision on whether to continue in this world. I can see how life in other places would make that decision harder to make or having a worse health condition making some people's decision to go on a very brave one. I have lost some weight and am in better health than a year ago. I also have no serious financial difficulties but know many people who do. Some people do not even have a bed to wake up from. The world is not a fair and equatable place. Some people have far more than I have too.

I served in the military during the Viet Nam War and saw the cost of war up close and can imagine what our troops must be going through right now. I can imagine those who had no choice as to wake up or not, parents and relatives who woke up to the news that their sons or daughters were not coming back alive. My brother did not come back alive but as a shell until even that wasn't there anymore.

I am far less sure of life and of the day now than I was years ago. I was so arrogant in my youth. It's hard thinking about how I was in years past. I was so sure of myself and of my opinions. I see people on television wearing tea bags with such strong opinions. The only one that I am sure of is "I don't know.". If anyone would have asked me years ago, I would have had a litany of beliefs all lined down my journal that I was sure of and that the world should take notice. I can only chuckle at that now.

So, what does this all have to do with being healthy? I guess it is a sense of honesty with myself. Many years ago, I knew a ballerina who was sure he could control what illness would come into his life. He was in wonderful shape and danced wonderfully. He is in great shape now but teaches and rarely dances. He told me he had had skin cancer several times and it utterly scared to death him when the doctor told him. He had beaten it, but he had thought he could not have it if he did not want it. He was sure he did not want it. He thought the doctor was jealous of him and was lying to him so went to another doctor who told him the same. He did not even stay out and get suntans. I remember the first time I got cancer. Cancer was what everyone else got and not me. I was not as beautiful as my friend or in such great shape, but unconsciously shared the same fantasy.

The older I get, the more walls come tumbling down. I have never broken a bone but I have had pneumonia. I had some hearing loss although I protected it jealously because I love music and was a musician. I have arthritis. My eyesight is not as good as it used to be so I don't see the wrinkles that are gathering on my face and the additional freckles that seem to come every year are just that, freckles and not age spots. The other day, my grandsons were looking to see how their life lines were on their palms and I looked to see if mine showed if I would live long or not. Then I realized I already know I will live long. I looked anyhow. I have a long life line.

My doctor will be prejudiced against my medical needs. Doctors used to pull out all of the stops to save my life. The older I get, the less inclined the medical establishment will be willing to do that. I need to think about options about end of life measures. I can't if I am not realistic. To live or not to live used to be a huge and monumental question. It isn't anymore and to be honest it really wasn't in the first place. I am just getting a bit more honest with myself. I am also living in a more realistic world instead of the movie I saw myself in. I was such a drama queen.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Lamps


When I was in Korea, I had a hard time finding lamps. Even in the library, they were rare. Koreans, it seems, depends mostly on overhead lighting which is hard on my eyes since I am very sensitive to glare. Then when I got back to my home here in Redding, I discovered that in my absence someone took it upon themselves to get rid of the lamps I had in my house. Needless to say, that person is not being invited back.

I need indirect lighting to read. I don't watch all that much television and still need some lighting when I am working on the computer. I read quite a bit and listen to music while I do which needs no lighting at all except to adjust the kind of music I want to listen to. I now listen to music off the Internet all of the time. I pay a small subscription cost for several websites so I can get the kind of music that I want. I consider that a huge advance for humankind since I am a big fan of classical music and other similar music such as new age and ambient. I like my music experience to compliment my reading not interfere with it. I don't want to hear any advertisements.

I went to a few second-hand stores and purchased some lamps and now have the normal amount so that I don't have to depend on over-head lighting. It is wonderful. I pull the blinds up in the morning as well so I can watch the sun slowly light up the sky since I get up early in the morning. I don't live alone and am the only one who gets up so early which is also delightful. This morning I am happy to see the warm and unobtrusive lighting of my new lamps as well as the blue skies and the trees that surround my view just outside my window. Ah, this is the life here in the Northern California. I had missed that.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hearing


A few years ago I got pneumonia. During the time that I had it, I lost most of my hearing. Luckily, I got most of it back, and I take the vaccination for pneumonia on a regular basis for now on. I learn a healthy respect for my hearing, but even with that I don't always listen as much as I should. I don't listen to others as I am more interested in sharing my opinion and getting my point across that I forget who I am talking to. I also don't listen to myself or the inner voice we all have. It is hard to listen to one's inner voice when the mouth is going. Third, I don't listen to the sound of nothingness in meditation when I am doing it. Listening just might be the most important thing I do in my life and it keeps me healthier.

Listening is vitally important to writers for they need to read as much as they need to write everyday. I often say I am like a violinist and need to play everyday or I lose something in my playing. The violinist is also listening to her or his music. The same goes for the writer. You are reading or listening what you are writing. A writer is also reading other writers although some wannabe writers think they can skip this step, they can't. Reading is listening.

It is sitting in a coffee shop sipping one's coffee and listening to the other talk and really listening to what they have to say. I was talking with someone yesterday about reading and how she loves her children reading Harry Potter and Narnia. I asked her about whether she saw any conflict in the two authors and she explained her philosophy of reading. Reading and exploring was more important than any other concern. It was good that I asked and listened instead of explaining my views. I no longer have small children, she did. We were in a second hand book store. She was also talking about the use of electronic books. I have a Sony Reader but have not used it since coming back to the States. She sees the prices of second hand books and sees no need of getting one for herself or kids. I really enjoyed the conversation. I ended up buying some really nice second hand books myself.

Part of being healthy is being part of the human race. Listening to one's fellow human beings is a very important way of connecting and being a part of one's neighborhood. Sometimes, I get tied up with other things and forget this. We all know people who just talk and talk and never listen to what others have to say. It is like listening to a lecture non-stop except one did not sign up for a class especially from the person in question. They go on and on jumping from one subject to another never listening for hints that the other person may know more than they or may find them boring or whatever. You keep sinking deeper and deeper in you seat as you try and hide under the table. It is similar to the religious person trying to convert you to their religion. You really can't stop them. This is not the way, that I can see, of connecting with one's fellow human being. I can also see that they don't know how to connect and it is the only way they can which is sad.

Another healthy way of being, is to listen to one's inner self. Often we don't do that either. We get warnings from the self that a certain situation or person is not right or the decision we are about to make may not be the right one and so on. I am certainly guilty of this too. I turn on the television when I know it is probably not a good idea and then several hours later I am still watching some mindless program and the tasks that I was going to do remains undone. Or I meet someone who wants me to buy something that I know I don't need but that person is so convincing or I meet someone somewhere and the alarm bells go off inside that I might not have my wallet later. That is not a healthy thing to do. We should always listen to our inner selves for in my case I have never been led astray by those warnings.

In meditation, it is important to listen to the silence we try to cultivate so that we can hear the other things that are trying to get through to us. Sometimes, what is trying to get through might be the beauty of a particular spot we happen to be. Sometimes, it is a poem we had just read. Other times, it is a piece of music that is playing in our earphones. Sometimes, it is our spiritual center that is trying to comfort us from the daily living and sorrow that comes to all of us.

Listening is something that I unfortunately give a low priority until I read about it as I did this morning in a Buddhist blog. I was reminded how much I need to put listening in the center of my life if I want to be healthier for I also need to listen to my body as it strains to get healthier. I have lost weight. I have done exercise and am in better shape. I am not where I need to be yet and when one gets there it is not a done deal. Staying in shape is a process, not an arrival place.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Dreaming


Last year, I woke up in Korea or at least that is the aggregate name of the journals that I kept in Korea. It was a very eventful time; and it was as if I woke up from a period of dreaming and things became real instead of the dreams that I was seeing in front of my eyes. As they say to every visitor in Plum Village in France: "Congratulations, you have arrived." Well, I congratulated myself for I have arrived unto myself. I lived in my dreams. It is a nice place to be and it was a necessary time. Now, it is time to go.

Before many people can get to the reality stage of their life, they have to spend some time in the dreaming state. I saw a movie over the weekend, "Tangled". In it, Rapunzel sings a song about when is her life going to begin. She has been living in a tall tower in which she sees an old woman who she thinks is her mother and no one else and reads a few books and has a lizard for a friend. She wants life to begin. That tower is a metaphor for the dreaming stage so many people live in before their life really begins and many don't seem to leave it. I left it rather late, but as they say better late than never. It was my karma that it would be late.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional environment. I survived by splitting into different personalities and thus became the Zebra that writes the stories and posts. Then a very kind and wise wizard helped put me together and removed the enchantment. I am one person now but still had the dreams that kept me in the tower. I did not know how to get out of the tower. Not everyone has a prince who shimmies up a tower to rescues them and sometimes the princes is not really a prince but a frog in tights. I really believe it is best for each of us to rescue ourselves.

I am out of the tower and onto the ground and it feels wonderful. Each of us has a treasure chest of truths in us that we can open by just wishing for those secrets. The key is in our hand and all we have to do is use it. In the movie, the old woman stabs the young man who is not a prince and Rapunzel agrees to stay with the old lady forever if she would only allow Rapunzel to heal the young man. Although he is dying, the man does not want her to tie herself to the old lady and with a shard of broken glass cuts Rapunzel's hair freeing Rapunzel and killing himself. This is not an ordinary movie. Rapunzel's tears heals him anyhow. Still, he proves that the orphan who is a wanted criminal is really a prince. Rapunzel did rescue herself in the movie. He asked her early in their adventure why she didn't leave the tower earlier. Why didn't I wake up earlier? It wasn't time, I guess.

When all of those people during my lifetime told me that it was foolish to dream, they were wrong. I had to have that time to recover, to heal. Dreaming did that for me. I can't make a blanket statement of everyone's life; but I needed those dreams. It also taught me to be a writer. I also learned to NOT listen to other people. I do think one must listen to oneself. I have found that I have been correct when I listen to my inner spiritual connection. I won't always be around on this earth but it feels good to be walking on it now.