Sunday, September 25, 2011

Nightmares


Recently, I have had a string of nightmares every night I have gone to bed. I know it is because of the pending surgery on Tuesday, September 27, 2011. My stomach was so upset this morning when I woke up that I was afraid to have my morning coffee, so I waited until noon. It felt great to be able to drink it.

One of the things I cannot do is change what is happening to me. If I want to survive a bit longer on this planet I must go through the surgery. I have done it before several times. It doesn't get easier when I have to face it again.

It is amazing(at least to me) how many times I have to tell my VA doctors what surgeries I have had over the years, but I do because they were all done at the VA and they are all in my medical record. It is in the computer. I have long suspected that no one reads anything. They give you these questionnaires to fill out and the last one I filled out I said to the nurse: "Why do we fill these things out since no one reads them?" She just nodded. It is all busy work meant to give the patient confidence that the doctors know what they are doing and not give the medical providers any trouble. I am going to make sure that the doctors know which lung to operate on by marking it with a magic marker. I learned to do that in California. I would hate to wake up and find out they took a lobe out of the left lung. It 's not that they can put it back.

The nurse in the pre-opt session asked if I wanted to see a priest before I went into the surgery. I said yes and was astonished that she asked.

"Is it possible?" I asked her.

"Oh yes, we will have a priest for you before surgery."

"I guess in Portland you can find a Buddhist priest," I said. "I don't care what denomination he or she is from. She can be a nun for that matter."

The nurse looked at me in puzzlement. "Buddhist?"

"Yes, it is written all over my records. I have been a Buddhist for almost 40 years."

As I wrote earlier, no one reads the medical records. I probably won't get a priest before my surgery although my hopes were raised somewhat.

The wind has died down outside which is a shame. I was enjoying it as it blew the leaves, big gold ones past my patio windows. I watched the squirrels running along the branches preparing for winter which as I understand does happen here in Portland. The crows were up this morning cawing and complaining about something that was happening in their world. I wonder if it helps to complain sitting on a branch and knowing only another crow understands and everyone else would throw something if they could at you. Maybe, another crow would not listen anyhow which is part of the complaint.

The only thing that makes me feel good is being home at the end of the year and both surgeries are over and I am getting well and there are no other procedures to do except recover. That would be nice. I have plenty of books, two computers, and a freezer full of food and some soup in the cardboard. The social workers at the VA seem ready to work with me which was more than they were at the other VA were I was at but to be fair I was at a rural one. Portland seems to have their "ducks in a row" better than Redding did on that score. The Palo Alto VA Hospital was the worst VA Hospital that I have ever been. I hope it remains that way. I want all of my nightmares to be ones I dream about at night and not ones I experience.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Fairy Tales



I just finished reading "The Ice Queen", a novel by Alice Hoffman (Back Bay: 2005) and it is obvious that it is heavily influenced by the fairy tale. The fairy tale is an important part of our literary history that began first as an oral tradition in all cultures and then later were recorded. Hoffman took the fairy tale that some may dismiss as unimportant and gave it the meaning it deserves as she applied the stories to people, the characters, in this wonderful novel.

This book deals with many issues including death, life and love. It uses fairy tales to spirit the story along as the vehicle about an Ice Queen who is like all ice queens in the fairy tales we have heard or read, if one is lucky, and then uses it to tell the story of how we are in this life to share love and meaning in a life that seems on the surface without meaning.

I heard or read somewhere that we are the product of the choices we made in our life. Sometimes in life we make choices or we think we make choices only to find out that we really did not know all of the facts and circumstances. We find that there is more order in the world than we thought. I wrote somewhere that when I took literature classes in college the professors would make fun of those who thought there were things in life that were important such as love, relationships, meaning and such things. "There is none of that." They would say at their lectures and like a good student new to college I tried to hard to incorporate this into my life; but down deep I knew this was not true to me. There is meaning in life or it seemed to be. The protagonist thought there no meaning but found also there was.

I grew up in an household where parents did not read to their children. However, I had a wonderful aunt who took kids to the library. Ah, that was a wonderful thing to do for my parents did not do that either. She lived in Grants Pass,Oregon and the library was located in the basement at that time in a three story stone building that was the city hall. The library was full of old books and as I discovered full of books that had fairy tales so that the summer when I was 10 years old I read all of them. I remember feeling a degree of shame that at my age I seemed to need to read fairy tales although I knew there was no Santa Claus and no magic. And, I didn't just read them, I devoured them.

Growing up in the family that I did, no one took an interest in me. That seems sad as I took a great interest in my own children when they were growing up; but there are advantages for I was free to do what I wanted to do. In that old library, the fairy tales were in the adult section of the library, and I freely read whatever book I wanted to read. I had to read whatever book was available although in Grants Pass European tales were the vogue then. I now read folk tales from many cultures.

Reading Hoffman's book, I noticed the echo of many of those fairy tales in her book. She used many including other countries such as Greek mythology. I think I loved fairy tales because the hero was often female although the goal of the girl was to obtain the prince which did not sound completely true to me as I had reality all around me in the form of an alcoholic father who freely bounced not only my mother but us kids around. My mother talked about him in the past when he was her prince. The man married to my aunt was also a prince but he often hit her too. I did not want that for myself. Culture was still teaching us girls that the boy/man/prince was our only hope for a happy life. I enjoyed the tales but I was confused by them as well.

Hoffman reached down into the subconscious into those fairy tales that we were all taught either consciously or subconsciously and brought them into the light in this book. That is what a good writer does. She performed this task admirably. The reader doesn't have to agree with the premise of the writer but it has to be logical. Indeed, during my trip through the book I had doubts whether or not I would agree; but I did end up on the same page as the writer. I like the way the author resolved the issues in the book nicely. The choices of the characters also mirror those we all make in life. Those were addressed very well too.

When I think of fairy tales, I also think of Princess Diana and her end in a tunnel in Paris, France. Her prince turned out to be a dud. It is good not to take fairy tales too literally. I remember reading something by Joseph Campbell who said that if you read the Bible, you should view what Jesus said as a metaphor. He was a expert on fairy tales as well. I think that is what should be done on all stories and that is to view them as metaphors. Heavens knows, maybe the stories our kids tell us should be viewed as such. Some of those stories were duds but that is another subject.

I know I grew up angry with the world. It helps to know that there are old stories, tales to help us and guide us through the trials and tribulations on what befall us. I had rough beginning but I know others had a rougher time and others had it better. It is all relative. It's like climbing the stairs and noticing that there are handrails and that we can hold on to them to make it easier when we climb up. That is what those tales are, handrails. Sometimes, we have to adjust the things we were taught to believe in as we mature to fit the world we are discovering and the process of this never stops as I am learning now.

The main protagonist says in the book: "...The way to trick death. Breathe in. Breathe out. Watch as it all rises upward, black and blue into the even bluer sky." That is going to be one of my handrails on Tuesday when I have my surgery.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Getting Ready


I have been getting ready for my surgery. It has not been easy, and I still have lots to do. I have my mail forwarded to my mail box. I have been trying to do all of my wash. I have been trying to get my "Healthy Veterans" program going so I will know what my current appointments are because my mail is somewhere in limbo because of the mail change. I have arranged for a friend to pay my rent on time and gave him my rent checks. I can't use my banking on line services because I could be late and that is a 75 dollar charge. I am trying to eat all of the food in the house that is perishable. I have gotten books to read and my radio on line changed so I can listen to it on my android phone. I have my ear buds so I can block television sound should that be necessary. I hate television and never listen to it except for some news programs such as PBS. I am severely limited to how much I can listen to it anyhow. I have returned all library books and DVD's.

I am scared to death, but the surgery must go on. Usually, I have been rushed into surgery on a emergency basis. This is the first time I am not. Still, I don't know what they will find. I won't be able to blog as I won't have my lap top. Then when I am done with the lungs and fully recovered, I will then have surgery for my thyroid and lose half of it as well. Hopefully, by the end of the year all will be done and resolved. I will be home recovering and getting ready for 2012.

Three-Legged Blues

by Jane Hirshfield

Always you were given
one too many, one too few.
What almost happens, doesn't.
What might be lost, you'll lose.
The crows will eat your garden.
Weeds will get what's left.
Your cats will be three-legged,
your house's mice be blessed.
One friend will take your husband,
another wear your dress.
No, it isn't what you wanted.
It isn't what you'd choose.
Your floors have always slanted.
Your roof has paid its dues.
Life delivered you a present—
a too-small pair of shoes.
What almost happened, won't now.
What can be lost, you'll lose.

"Three-Legged Blues" by Jane Hirshfield, from Come, Thief. © Alfred A. Knopf, 2011. Reprinted without permission but hoping it will be excused.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Temple Grandin


I saw a film about Temple Grandin the other day that was wonderful. It was called "Temple Grandin" starring Claire Danes as Dr. Grandin. It is the story of a woman who gained a Phd in animal husbandry and revolutionized the way animals are treated in the meat industry. She did it all using the prism of autism.

I first came across Grandin through the writings of Oliver Sachs. I then read her books. Even with that background, there was a lot of Grandin that I did not know about that was in this film. Although she had a lot of help especially her mother, family and teachers, Grandin was determined to carve out a life for herself and to open the doors that she saw in front of her. She became a role model for others with autism and for those who work with autism.

She designed a special "machine" that kept her calm when she was agitated by the rejection of non-autistic people. She had to learn how to get alone with them and to read their reactions and to interact with people in such a way so she could get along with them. The film also showed how mean people could be when others showed behavior that was different from the mainstream of others.

There are now books out there written by people with autism. Grandin was out there when there was no one explaining what this particular way of thinking came to the public attention. It even showed the earlier viewpoint that autism was caused by "refrigerator moms" which was never proven but repeated over and over again especially by experts. Grandin's mother was accused of not giving enough love and affection to her daughter. Her mother was also told to but her daughter in an institution which she refused to do. Those institutions for the most part do not exist anymore.

Those who are different from the norm have to fight to get a place among society and Grandin fought hard to become a function and productive member. This film shows it admirably. It won many awards for it and was released in 2010 and is available on DVD. I really recommend it.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Could Harry Potter Be a Girl?


I had a small get together at my place yesterday, and we all watched Harry Potter films although all of us had read the books. One question that came out of the small party was could the author, J.K. Rowland, have written the same series of books and had the same amount of success if she had made Harry a girl instead of a boy? The overwhelming consensus was no.

Potter was a boy that his parents sacrificed their lives to protect and other people have gone out of their way to teach and nurture as he grows into a man. He has many trials and he excels at all of these road blocks that life puts in his way. He defeats the powers of evil and grows into the man who knows that he must avenge the man who has killed his parents. People follow him and he has others who believe in him and stand behind him. Some of them even lay down their lives to help defeat the powers of the Dark Side. At the end, Lord Voltemort lies dead and good wins. Would everyone have done that to follow a girl?

Harry Potter by virtue of his manhood has the authority to instill in himself the power of his right to take on the fight to defeat evil. No one questioned his right to do this. After all, He Who Must Not Be Named killed his parents and had been trying to kill him from the beginning of his life. A girl would have to find a champion to stand by her and to protect her from the powers of darkness; yet, there would not be anything different between a Harry or Harriot Potter. So, what makes those two different? She can be strong, a capable warrior but she would be a girl and a woman. It would not work in fiction.

The Harry Potter series is a coming of age story of a boy. What is a coming of age story of a girl? Is it a girl who grows up, maybe goes to school but gets married and becomes a mother and wife? Harry eventually gets married and becomes a father but it is not the most important part of his story but in a girl's life it is. Can there be a story of a girl without a prince charming? In real life, there are plenty of stories of girls who get fooled and find themselves alone with a child and shunned by everyone. It is a girl's shame to be unmarried and thrown aside by someone who had loved her and walked out. Barack Obama's mother had to raise her kids by herself because her husband walked out on her. Bill Clinton's mother had to have her child on her own because her husband walked out on her and she married again to someone who beat her. Fairy tale stories are often in fiction and not in reality. Why is it that female heroes rarely in fiction? Why is it that a woman does not find fulfillment unless she finds a man? How come Harry Potter could never be Harriet Potter?

You would think that the small party at my place yesterday was full of women. Not so. There were men and woman there. At first, some did not think it made a difference if Harry was a man or a woman. The more we talked, the more it was evident. In today's society it makes a change in the dynamics in the plot and in life too. Someday, maybe it won't.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Nothing Happens To Me


In the first part of the new Sherlock Holmes series," Study in Pink", Dr. John Watson is being told to write his experiences in his journal by his therapist. She says: "John, you are a soldier and it is going to be difficult to transition into a civilian. You need to write down everything that happens to you." John looks up at her and says: "Nothing happens to me." This was just before he meets Sherlock Holmes.

Sometimes in reality, the same happens. When I started this blog, I would have said the same. Nothing really happens to me. I thought the adventures were over for me. I was wrong. John was wrong. The adventures just keep happening. Of late, I have moved to Portland, Oregon. I am now fighting cancer on two fronts. I am scheduled for surgery this month and will be going to the hospital and a convalescent home for a while. Who knows what will happen next.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Is There Meaning In Life?

A friend of mine named Ted who I have written about is reading a book I told him about, "The Elegance of the Hedgehog" by Muriel Barbery. He is a smarty pants and is reading it in the original French.  He was in New York City and bought it in a bookstore that specializes in books in French.  I finished the book last night to my sorrow for I did not want that book to end.  I loved it.  Ted is still reading it.

He gave me a call this morning to asked me a question that the book asks:" is there meaning in life?"  That stumped me.  I had to admit that life has meaning for me but whether or not it has for other people I don't know.  I had never given it a thought.  I used to believe the stuff professors in the universities I attended  taught that there was no meaning in life and that anyone who thought so was deluded. Later,  I discovered that for me there were plenty of meaning.  I guess I got so turned off by the professors that I became reluctant to ascribe meaning to anyone life. Ted agreed for he said he found meaning in his life through the 12-step program and had been told by many "New Atheists" that what he was seeing as God and meaning was illusions. He said if they want to see God as an illusion in their life they are certainly free to do so but he is equally free to see God and meaning in his life.

On the other hand, Ted says, when he has book signings, he has to contend also with Fundamental Christians who feel he has the concept of God and the meaning he puts into his life all wrong.  He has been picketed several times by some who are angry that he feels no shame for being who he is and that is gay.  But getting back to the subject does life have meaning or does it have meaning if we want it to have meaning?  I mean is it an option?  Neither one of us knew.  Again, both of us are very reluctant to ascribe a certain kind of reality to others that we find works for us.  Can life be different for each of us?  Can it have meaning for those who want it to have it and not for those who don't?  I found that the godless stark black and white reality of some people's vision just did not exist for me.  I find life to be very beautiful even during the worst of times.  I have had people who threatened me with anger and wanted to knock off my "rosy sunglasses" off.  Goodness.

Sometimes, I write these posts and conclude at the end that this is my answer,but I don't have one except each of us have to find their own answers and not jam something down someone's throats. Ted said that is true.  It took him a long time to find his joy and peace and he is happy that he stopped looking in a bottle or some other chemical high.  Life is good these days, he concluded.  That is not to say that he doesn't have those down days, he said.  When he does, he gives himself permission to be sad and then finds out why and then goes on to something else.  The last time he was sad was when he found out he was going bald a lot faster than he expected.  He is one of those people, he said, that does not look all that great bald. Not everyone looks like Patrick Stewart. Then he had to look further and find that he was really sad because he was growing older and that someday he will die.  That really shook him up.  Then he said he had a great espresso at some coffee shop and met a friend there and went on with his life. The meaning of life is a great espresso.  For me, it is watching autumn come in the trees from the window as I sit in my recliner in my living room.  It's different for everyone. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

Beautiful Day


I looked out the windows of my place and thought how beautiful it looked. Autumn is definitely in the air and I thought with the breezes and the falling leaves it was fun to watch the passing of a late summer day. Children and adults with their swimming suits were going up and down the stairs in the distance on their way to the apartment complex swimming pool. Luckily, it is heated for it never got above 70 degrees F. here.

I got a call from the Veterans Hospital in response to my phone call for information about my phone call asking for results about my needle biopsy of my thyroid. No cancer cells were found but the radiology doctor said that this result was not a guarantee that I do not have cancer. They would have to take out half of the thyroid that has the mass and do a study of it to know for sure. I asked if it isn't do they put it back and she said no. I knew the answer, but I agreed with her recommendation that it needs to come out. I have been getting cancer since my discharge from the military. I have no health issues except for the small cancer in my lung. Maybe they could do both at once.

Looking at this day, it is full of life. It is full of the promise of a longer life than this year alone. I have a feeling I will survive this particular trial. Someday, I will run out of track. I have my fingers crossed. I stopped trying to control what is going to happen each day and just take it one day at a time and let what happens, happen. I have a close relationship with my Spiritual Center and nothing will change that, not even death. I have been dead before as we all have been before we were born. I can do it again.