The Flu

I had the flu for about three days. It was a low level type flu, and I think it was mild because I had my flu shot last November. In the past, I would get the flu and it would be so bad that I often ended up in the hospital. Since getting the yearly flu shots, the flu that I do get is very mild. The bad reactions from the flu has been bad all of my life. One time I had the flu so bad that I lost 30 lbs and could not even lift my head off the pillow. I really thought I was going to die. I had so little money but bribed someone to go to the store for me because my body knew what I needed. I could no longer throw anything up. I even went past the bile stage. I had a craving for grape juice and as soon as I got it, I started to mend.

This time, I just stayed in bed and read and wrote in my journal. I got up every so often and watched old movies on the Internet. I did not want to eat or drink anything and finally on the third day I felt great.

Sometimes, when someone is ill, things change. It is like taking a trip. You take a trip to the seashore or the mountains and something changes in your life that doesn't become clear until you get back. Sometimes, you can't even describe what it is that changed. That happened during my three days of the flu. I wasn't all that sick, but something changed. I wasn't even worried about getting to a doctor. I knew I was alright.

Maybe it was all of the writing I did or the old movies that were released in the 1930's that I watched or the fact that I finally fixed my Sony Reader and read some great stories but I seemed to be clearer about what I wanted to do in my life. When a friend called and invited me out to dinner during the middle of it, I declined. I just wasn't hungry and I told her that I may be contagious. It was more than that. I was processing something.

Even now, those changes have stayed with me. I have become more me. I never got depressed during those few days. I just enjoyed being who I was and realized a lot of things that I did not realize before. I don't even want to go to Home Plus as much as I used to. I just want to stay here and get ready to leave and I don't mean packing my bags. I mean preparing my mind and making up what it is that I want to do with the remaining years that I have left.

When you watch the old movies and old television shows, one has the advantage of viewing the lives of the people you are watching on film after they made that movie. For the most part, many are no longer with us. They have lived their entire lives and ended them after that brief period on film. It was like watching a current actor's grandmother in her prime and seeing the uncanny resemblance they both have to each other. Of course, those who make movies have those records while most of us don't. Their lives are in Wikipedia while most of us live the lives of quiet desperation and for the most part unrecorded. It is seeing how each of us live differently and how some of us were unhappy and some of us were never sober enough to know whether we were happy or not although drinking usually means we are unhappy. It gives you perspective we usually don't have.

I have relatives in history books but I never knew them and have no idea what they were like. I knew of a study at some big university years ago who chose some people at random and each of them had relatives who were in the history books. None of them knew those relatives either. I learned more about William Powell and Myrna Loy from the Thin Man series than I knew about relatives. By the way, they led very interesting lives after the filming of those movies.

I never seen a picture of my relatives other than a glimpse of my grandparents when I was a child. My children and grandchildren will never see those pictures for they are gone forever. I wish I could have seen them, but I did see other people who lived in the early 20th century and how their lives went.

So, I guess I should tie this all up. All of us human beings are descended from a small group of people in west Africa according to the science of genetics. No one knows who all of our relatives are and where we all are going. In those three days I was sick I spent some time thinking about where I was going and looking at where the people I was watching in those old black and white movies went and even where they are now buried. I think that sobered me up and made me think about the important things in life. I think I discovered the most important things were not the things I thought they were and that I don't know what is important except it probably is the people we love. I know that the things I was mad and angry about are not important at all.

Not Caring So Much What Others Think

I have always had a tendency to be optimistic. As a youngster, I remember a teacher criticized me for being a "Pollyanna" once and I had to look it up. Pollyanna was a fictional character who saw the bright side of things and the teacher wasn't being complementary. I really liked the teacher and felt a degree of shame in her comment. I tried not to be so upbeat.

Later, childhood friends would tell me that I was too cheerful in the morning. I love mornings and felt great when I was up early. One person even threatened to hit me the next time I said "good morning " to him. I got the message.

To please people, I would complain how rotten life was. I read all kinds of novels about things going wrong just when the protagonist thought they were going great. I hated those stories but I wrote them too. Life was a bitch and then you died. Then someone told me that I was a awful whiner and expected people to take care of me.


Since coming to Korea, I don't worry about what others think about me as much since I can't understand what others are saying. I have mentioned this before. One woman yelled at me over and over in broken English and I never did understand what she was mad at me about. Then while reading "The Summing Up" by W. Somerset Maugham I made up my mind that like the author I was not going to worry about what others think of me. It was one big waste of time. Of course, it took some doing on my part, but I worked on it.

For the most part, I am considered "the American". When I order a rice burger at a fast food restaurant, I hear the woman say: "Rice burger for the American." It is in Korean but I understand that much. Because I can rarely say anything that can be understood, I can only watch people and the events around me.

Today, I got on a bus to go home from Home Plus and the bus driver was in a very bad mood. He jerked the bus around angrily. He yelled at the drivers and when he stopped the bus at the stops he did it very suddenly. There were many older passengers who were having trouble standing up. At one point I grabbed a elderly woman so she would not fall. Different people were slipping and sliding. When he let me off the bus at my stop it was far away from so I had to walk on the street to get to where I had to go. I could not say anything. The average Korean would not say anything. It is considered rude and bus drivers get away with it, but even by everyday bus standards he was very bad.

I told someone recently that I am becoming more aware of myself as a person here. I used to spend so much time worrying what others thought of me and now I don't. I like this trend and hope it continues. I spend less time planning on how to express my anger and how to get even. It just does not make any difference anymore.

I sat on that bus today and there was nothing I could do but help people if I could. I could say anything to anyone. I was in a situation beyond my control and I accepted that. I did not get mad because I was in a country that was not mine and I could not speak the language and I did not understand what was going on. I went home and had a cup of coffee.

Inner World Journey

In a few months, December, I will be returning to the United States. In my mind I have been assessing what has happened to me since coming here in March of this year. One of the things that I have noticed is that I have been forced to deal more with myself than I would have normally. Most people around me speak a language that I don't understand. It is hard to get books in English although I have a reader and this computer and the Internet. I am for the most part isolated.

I have been going to a church on Sundays only because they speak English during the service which is getting me down as I don't believe in their doctrines and have major disagreements with many of their interpretations of the Bible. I am not a Christian but am interested enough in the Bible as an avid reader to overcome that, but not in overcoming their interpretation of who is in compliance of God's law and who is not. For example, they are not open and affirming to all groups of people. That is, they will accept gay and lesbian people into their meetings but it is clear they condemn their so-called life style. They are very nice people,though, and I would hate to give up going there.

The one person that I have been getting to know better is myself. This is a surprise. I thought I had been pretty good in writing in my journal, meditation every morning and so on. I haven't even scratched the surface if I can use slang here. There has been a lot of things that I have learned about myself that I did not know before because I had no other choice but to explore myself a bit more since there are no other people to talk to but myself for the most part.

I am writing full time now and established a routine so I won't end up doing nothing; and that means working more in my journal since that task sharpens my writing skills and directs my writing projects a bit more. That also means delving deeper into my self and that has brought up some surprises. It always astounds me that no one really knows the person they live with as a spouse or partner and even less the self.

For instance, I am far more spiritual than I ever thought I was. I used to hide this from friends when I was growing up. There are options that are open for men who have strong spiritual interests as becoming priests, ministers, monks and others but not too many for women. The only ones are nuns and they have little power over their own lives and cannot explore spiritual matters on their own. I tended to keep my spiritual interests hidden to some extent and when I was with people who were strong believers in their own faith it was hard not to question their beliefs especially when it contradicted what I thought was the spirit of what the Eternal stood for. Now, that I discovered this I have no intention of inflicting my beliefs on those who just want to be Christians on Sundays and good people on the rest of the week. I have to accept people's limitations.

Sometimes, each of us believe we have been disliked because of some unknown reason but I find being a loner and a reader I may have hurt my friends feelings when I took off to the library or other places to do my own thing while they did things such as socialize that I did not care to do as much. There was really nothing wrong with neither my friends or myself but a misunderstanding. I know my parents did not always understand me either since I did things they did not understand either such I was the first to complete school and get advanced degrees. They thought I should just get married like my sister.

Being a Buddhist, I know I needed to examine past attachments and disengage so that I won't hold past anger. I used these excursions into the past to do that. The more I did it, the more I realized that everyone was just trying to survive the best they could. No one was against me and that those episodes that I was holding grudges were episodes in which people were mad at me, probably, at the time. I did not have to say "I forgive you" and so on. There was nothing to forgive anyone for.

I have a few extra pounds and sometimes I think those pounds are like a wall of flesh that I use to protect myself. I explored that too. I think that is why I have been able to start losing the weight that I have not been able to for years. I find that I don't need to have this wall of fat anymore. I can protect myself without it. There are bullies out there. I can effectively protect without putting anything between myself and people. I can tell people that it is not ok to talk to me like that or just remove myself from the situation. I also explored why I was so easily bullied in the first place.

I have been afraid of going back home in a sense. I don't want a return to the old world, so I have been exploring that as well. There are no guarantees in life and there certainly are no guarantees in this either. Still, I will have the exact same tools in the States as I have now. I can do this. It has been good being in Korea.

Japan

I had to get my Visa renewed so I can stay in Korea until I leave in December. I have a ticket to fly home on the 13th. In order to get your Visa renewed, you have to leave the country and then come back in. Most foreigners do it by taking the ferry from Busan, Korea to Japan and then come back to Korea.

You have to have a reservation and finding a travel agency that speaks English was not easy, but I found one and arranged everything. I also reserved a room at a hotel. I took a bus to Busan, and the trip down there was very pleasant. The bus terminal was not in town. If I felt more comfortable about taking the train, it would have been more convenient to do so. The train depot was within walking distance from my hotel, and it was very close to the ferry terminal.

I took a taxi to the the ferry terminal and I still did not understand what I was supposed to do and met another American who was doing the same thing I was doing. He was a man my age and very pleasant. As remarkable as this was, we ended up hitting it off very well and spending the day traveling the ferry to Fukuoka, Japan and then as my friend showed me turning around immediately and headed back on the same ferry. The trip was worth the time and money. It was beautiful. It was raining in Japan but not in Korea.

We went out to dinner in Busan and had a wonderful time. The trip took about three hours one way. Then he went on the train and I stayed in my hotel and I went to Daejeon the next morning. My friend's company really made the difference and I had one of the best days since coming to Korea.

One thing about life is one never knows what will happen around the corner and when you are a senior it becomes very apparent the corners are getting fewer and fewer. His children, like mine, are grown up and his live in England along with his grandchildren. Normally, I am a solitary person so it is a treat to be with someone my age and someone I really got along with very well. Most people just assumed that we were a couple so there were no problems in the immigration and custom lines. We have already talked on the phone and exchanged emails.

Sunrise

I woke up yesterday feeling that I have closed a chapter in my life here in Korea and I am now entering a new phase although I have no idea what it could be. I am not upset or mad at not getting a contract and feel quite happy about it. I hope to be going home in December but have not heard if I will be getting a ticket home at that date. To be honest, I thought these good feelings may be because I may have had too much coffee, but the feeling persisted this morning.

I write and read everyday. W. Somerset Maugham in his book, "The Summing Up", stated that he derived a great deal of joy from reading and it was hard for people to understand this. He remember the thrill of first reading a page of some book or another. He would put down books and go out and live life as he was supposed to. He said life is to be lived and experienced in all of its complexities and that meant food, love, and whatever. However, he always returned to his books. That is what I am doing now other than writing. I am reading whatever books I can get my hands on now. Even the book, "The Summing Up", I am reading for the second time. I am reading other books for the second time savoring their words and seeing things in them that I did not see before.

I am paying more attention to the world around me and enjoying Korea and its people while I am here. Before, I think I was more wrapped around my problems and never really saw it. It was hard to take walks as the heat made it difficult to do so. Now, I take walks and enjoy the parks around my apartment. I bring my journal and colored pencils that I recently bought. The changing of the leaves have not really started yet but should soon.

I think I am learning a new philosophy here since I have to depend so much on my own company. I am learning not to care what others think of me and my abilities and whether or not they are true. I realize that this way of thinking is called "co-dependency" but getting rid of that concept in one's own life is very difficult. I think I am making some headway. It lightens the load on one's shoulders considerably.

There is so much more joy in my life and that is good of course although I am not sure where it is coming from. I watch children playing with their parents and grandparents in stores, older people working in their gardens and I can appreciate it here in Korea that so many of them are still working very hard so late in their lives.

When I start to give myself a bad time for not doing this or that I cut it off as soon as possible. The real key to all of this is to live a mindful life. It is easier when one is 65 years of age than when I was younger. I thought the future stretched out there forever. Now, I know better. I see my children becoming middle-aged so I can't lie to myself and say I am middle-aged anymore. I listen to music for the sake of listening to music and less to drown out life's problems. Coffee or no coffee, the sunrises are much more beautiful these days.

Plans, Changed Again

I remember the saying that if you want to make God laugh, just tell him (or her) of your plans. I told my kids that often enough when they were growing up. I certainly should have remembered this myself. Sigh.... Well, my plans have changed again.

I am not going home by boat or ship as it would cost a great deal and I would be going in very cold weather and would have to stay holed up in my cabin anyhow. So, that plan is out the porthole. Second, Korean Immigration has canceled my VISA as of October 9th. I am not ready to leave by then. If I leave the country and come back in, I can get my VISA renewed for three months. That is the plan. I don't want to go to China or Russia since I think I need a VISA to get into those countries; however I don't need a VISA to get into Japan. I made a reservation to go to Fukuoka, Japan by ferry from Busan, Korea and then to return on the same day. I will spend four hours there in Japan.

I will be leaving Korea the first week of December or at least then is when I want to. If not, I will have to go back to Japan and get my VISA renewed for another 90 days. I will be running into winter and there is another monsoon in winter.

I am looking forward to going home. It is hard moving around a country where the main language is one you don't speak. It will be nice to be in a country that I can even go to the store and ask for anything I want from any salesclerk. I am also looking forward to buying books in English, and seeing my family. One of the first things I will buy is a newspaper in English when I get back to the USA. I watch the news on the Internet but having an actual newspaper in my hand is something I have missed very much.

All of this is my plans. Sigh....

New Direction, Same Place

I have decided to stay in Korea to the end of this year and not renew my contract with the university where I was teaching. That was easy to do since they laid off all of the women professors, both Korean and foreign, and hired men. The men all have four year college degrees. The professors who were there had masters and one was Korean and got his in the States and the other was Australian and he got it online. The women including myself all have masters' degrees in the field at regular universities. I knew I had good reports from the students that I did teach.

I was very angry at first, but then I saw the gift that it brought me. I had reached a level in which I was facing an overpayment of my Social Security in the United States and I wanted to work full time as a writer. I am currently working on a book of short stories. I have never done a book of short stories before as I have written only novels. Short stories gives me the chance to try and publish them in other markets before having them published in book form. It helps with the sale of the book. I am being optimistic here.

I also found a way of getting books in English and most of them are the classics. I have been reading them some for the second time and noticing how they are put together. Some of the books I have been able to get are no longer available in English anywhere even on Google Books and even on Amazon. I also read children chapter books since I write occasional books in that genre. I love to read them. I have discovered a writer by the name of Diana Wynne Jones. She is wonderful to read especially the book, "Howl's Moving Castle".

I have been able to make friends with some Koreans and Americans and attend church on Sunday as the meeting is in English. They know I am not a Christian and they don't seem to mind. I bought a Bible in English and read it occasionally as it is a way of understanding literature in English.

I will be going home as soon as my son books passage on a freighter as I am not flying home but going on a ship and taking a slow way home or at least that is the plan so far. I am very excited about this. It is a common way for people to travel in the Pacific area and booking one way is the way most people do it.

When I first started this blog, I had no idea things would turn out so exciting. Things seem to continue to do so. I take trips to different towns and cities in Korea and have a grand time. I spend the money I have made here. Since I don't have any bills, I can make my money stretch and my rent is very low. The lowest utility bills I have ever had in my life have been here in Korea. So far, I have not paid anything over $15.00 a month in gas or electricity.

What saves me money is I can't buy clothes since nothing is over size 10 here. Even if I was very skinny and somehow got shorter (I am 5'8"), I could never fit in the clothes. The smallest size I will ever wear will be size 12. You can't even buy nylons for people with size 12. I did buy some sandals but they were for men. In the States, they would have looked just fine for women but not here where most women wear very high heels. Their feet are very thin and my feet are broad. I would never wear heels anyhow. Men have the same problem.

Men get paid more to teach then women and they get their clothes tailor-made. They even get their shoes made. Most have families to support and it is very bad form for women to work if their husband is able to work. That is changing but not in great numbers as yet.

It is a man's world here in Korea. Korean men will not move for women if walking and certainly will not stop for them in crosswalks if driving. I have learned to move fast even if the light is green for me. In stores they will knock me over and I am a senior. I am taller than most Korean men and when I was teaching they did not do that as I was a professor, but I am now on the hit list.

The apartment house I live in is very small, only three stories and is owned by a woman so I am treated well. She and her husband tend a victory garden next to the apartment house and she gives away the produce to all of the people in her building. I am the only woman in the building and she is very nice to me.

I still walk a lot and eat well. I love to spend the day at a department store called Home Plus. When it was very hot, I would eat a rice burger and have coffee. My lack of Korean is not an issue. Everyone is very nice to me. I often see people I know and they invite me to eat in the Korean Restaurant upstairs which I never do because I can't order anything as the menu is for large families although the price is very cheap. I could never eat all that food. The Korean love their food very spicy and full of red paste and soy sauce which I can't eat because of gluten problems. Still it is nice to eat up there and talk with them and to drink the coffee that I can buy at a low price.

Things are going well. I am having a good time, much better than I expected. If I go home on a freighter I will see even more of the world. Wish me luck on that.

Getting Out of the Way

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell

My life has changed again. I had made plans on how it was to go here in Korea and it isn't going that way. I was very sad or at first. I had to admit that I was not that unhappy about the changes, but I was scared that I did not know what was going to happen. I still don't. It occurred to me that I need to get out of the way and let go of the old life and accept the new one whatever it is.

In the past, I had my children to support and I had my own needs to take care of. I don't have those anymore, thank heavens. Those days are over. Looking outside while it was raining today as it usually does here during the Monsoon Season, I had to admit that I was scared of the unknown. It was rough when I got here because there were people here who took things out on me regarding things that I had nothing to do with. It made life very rough as I was in a strange country surrounded by people who did not speak English. That is all over. They are out of my life for good.

I am still angry at them but I am working at detaching from all of that because there isn't anything I can do about it. It is a work of progress. I learned from it. It gets better all of the time. It has strengthen my spiritual resources. I remember a time when I was very angry at a past supervisor and wanted to say something to him and then found out he died only a few years after I last saw him. Life goes on or in his case it changed and his life is something else now. Holding grudges is never healthy especially when coming here to Korea has more positive effects than negative.

I have lost weight and am much healthier than I was when I begun this particular voyage. I do a lot of walking now. I used to have periods of depression from time to time. I rarely have them now. I had a writer's block the size of California, but I have none now. I never had friends but have a few now. I used to be poor but now I never have money problems or at least so far. I used to spend too much time watching television. I don't even own one now. I don't know what is going to happen, but I think I am up for it. When a bunch of doors don't open there will be one that will.

Surviving August

I have been surviving a hot and sweaty August, and it is thanks to my little swamp cooler. It runs on my coke bottles that I fill with water and put in the freezer and then I put one or two in the swamp cooler instead of ice water which would increase the humidity. A few times, I thought it was cool outside as it was cool inside and when I went outside to walk to the bus stop I thought I would melt. Before the cooler, I would take at least three cold showers a day. Now, things are normal as far as the showers are concerned. It is still a bit warm but I am not sweating in here but comfortable although just barely.

My utility bills remain low. The highest I have had is still under 13 dollars a month. Swamp coolers are not big energy users in the states so I assumed it should not be a problem here. I rarely use warm water except to take a shower and that is lukewarm. In Korea, one turns on the hot water and then turns it off when not in use. The same goes for gas. I rarely turn on the stove except to cook some ham now and then but not often. I did not eat ham at all today. I don't have a microwave. It does not seem worth buying.

The most important link that I have to the world is my computer and the Internet. I watch the news and a few programs now and then. I miss PBS since it cannot be broadcast outside the USA. I enjoy the Rachel Maddow Program, Countdown, The Jon Stewart Show and the BBC. I read quite a bit. I read many newspapers and listen to online radio.

I have made a few friends here and enjoy my time in a few coffee shops although getting coffee with cream or milk is a major trial. I can't drink the instant milk here as I am allergic to it. I drink most of my coffee here in my apartment since I can buy milk and I drink instant coffee which I did not think I would ever do that. But when in Rome...

I have met some Americans, Australians, New Zealanders, Irish, Britishers and of course Koreans. I also found a book store that sells books in English although I don't have much choice. I am reading young adult and some of the classics. There are several web sites that offer books one can read online without cost. I have even read some essays by authors I never thought I would such as Leo Tolstoy.

Most of the foreigners who are here are English teachers although there are exceptions and they are always looking for books in English as I am. I even bought a Bible the other day. Thank heavens for the Internet where I can read to my heart's content provided the books are not new. I can read articles from magazines online.

I used to have a writer's block but don't anymore. I think it is because if I want to read a certain kind of book I have to write it. It is fun though. I have often thought about working in a writer's colony. Now, I am living the life. I am having a great deal of fun and learning a lot.

It is hot and sweaty in Korea but August has always been my favorite month. It remains so. I am looking forward to autumn.

Humidity and Humility

I am on vacation for the month of August. I never thought any place could be as humid and as sticky and uncomfortable as it is in Korea. I keep remembering that air conditioning is a relatively new phenomena and that most places in the world did not have in the recent past. I am having a hard time with the lack of good air conditioning in my apartment. Many places in the world now do not have it at all. Korea is certainly not a third world country, but their air conditioners are not the strongest I have been in. I have learned over and over again how spoiled I was in California. I am growing more attuned to my surroundings.

Last month, I bought a second hand portable swamp cooler. Normally, one puts ice and water in it. That would make this humid climate even worse so I freeze water in small coke bottles and use them instead so there is no additional humidity in the air. Even with that, it is hard to deal with the weather but I have been surviving here in my apartment. No one in this building has air conditioning. The new apartments next door are occupied here and there and few have air conditioned units. One of the men who do such installations said that all of the companies that install them cannot keep up with the demand. No apartment comes with its own air conditioning.

The other night I came home and found my fan had broke and I had to go and buy another one. I bought a table fan which was on sale and is a much better one since I put it on the portable air conditioner.

I have been working on a book and that is going well. I have the window open now as it is 10 pm and the early morning hours are very nice as well. I wear very little in side my apartment and the landlady came by and gave me some produce from her garden which is very nice. I had to look for a robe to open the door. It was some corn, tomatoes and one melon. Food is very expensive here in Korea and many people have their own gardens.

I think I was spoiled when I came here. I was used to living in air conditioned homes, used to having my own car, used to wireless computer Internet connections and all English speaking television stations. I was used to second-hand book stores with books in English and brand new book stores with lots of choice in books. I was used to shopping for whatever I wanted in food and having a kitchen that was big enough to cook whatever I wanted. To me, this situation was normal. Now, I know it is not. I was used to cheese of whatever kind I wanted. If I needed to buy something to wear, I would go out and buy it. Not only are clothes expensive here but sizes for most Europeans are simply not available.

Still, being here has been one great adventure. I would not have missed it for the world.

Pig Knuckles

I met an elementary school teacher the other day and she is very nice. She invited me to lunch and asked me if I liked Korean food. I said I did although I could not eat the spicy food and was allergic to some food such as soy sauce and red paste. She took me to a very traditional Korean restaurant. The main desk was pig knuckles or it could have been pig's feet.

I thought as I saw the dish being served that I needed to be less particular. I looked at it and saw how her grandchildren and my new friend looked with approval at the pig parts. So, I wanted to appear less like an ugly American and took one. I started to chew and chew and chew and got no where. It was apparent I did not know how to eat this dish. It was so rubbery.

Then they served noodle soup. Inside my head, I heard myself moan: Oh no not flour noodles. She had thought they were rice noodles but I am an experienced noodle person. I knew right away they were made from wheat noodles. I asked for cooked rice and she was upset as well as the owner because I could not eat the pig knuckles either. I just could not force myself to do it.

Where ever one goes in Korea, Anglo-Americans stand out. I was the only one in the restaurant and the owner keep bringing me delicacies for me to try. They all had red paste in it which has gluten in it. She even brought over a lot of little fish with their heads still on.

I was faced with the decision of forcing myself to eat something I did not want to eat and saying no and appearing like an impolite American. I saw no way of getting out of this. I took the second choice as I remember having to eat food my mother put before me even though it made me sick. I said, I am sorry but I can't. I am allergic.

There is no right nor wrong answer. I was not going to win this one no matter what. I choose myself. I choose to obey my likes and dislikes. I just could not look at those pig knuckles or feet and feel like I could force myself to eat them. I also could not eat something that would make me ill no matter how the circumstances look to other people.

No Fear

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed."
-The Buddha

As with many people, I have lived much of my life with fear. It has become a fact of life to do so. It has curdled the milk of existence, so to speak, ruining many moments of what should of been sublime experience as I sat worrying about what would happen to me when sitting in front of wondrous sights such as sunsets and other views of nature so that I came away from those sights only with the memories of those worries. I didn't like it, but I continued to do it.

I knew I had to change. Getting to my older years only created a stronger desire to change some of the things, habits that I have gained over the years and excessive worries was certainly one of them. I have made some progress and coming to Korea has improved this because I am no longer around familiar things. That factor has helped me. Another is the quote above by the Buddha.

I still don't know if I will get a renewal of my contract from the university where I am teaching. My work is fine so that is that is not an issue. My age is. I have began to worry and not enjoy my time here. I want to for it is a beautiful country and the people are wonderful. I have been making friends. That is not easy for me. I have begun to lose weight again, slowly, but I have begun to do so. I am afraid if I move back to the States I will lose the momentum. I miss my relatives and friends, but I need to lose my overweight. My writing has improved tremendously.
The problems with the family of my one special student seems to be gone right now. I am teaching him without difficulty.

When I don't fear my daily life and all of the possible problems that might arise, I can see the magic that is no doubt here. I can enjoy my students and all that happens to me everyday. The Buddha was a very wise man. He was no god but simply a man who learned to walk the middle path as some of us have. I am walking right now on the middle path but have problems staying there and mindfulness is a quality that escapes me from time to time. I am working on it.

I am not saying that Fear does not have a part in our lives. It helps keep us alive by alerting us to possible dangers such as watching cars when we cross streets or going to the doctor when something in our health changes. But excessive worrying is not the way to go for me. The Buddha is right. When you reject help and just let life unfold in front of you, then you are freed. I am working on it.

Caffeine, etc.

Because I can't buy diet carbonated drinks that are caffeine-free, I have stepped up my consumption of caffeine and have been waking up with a caffeine withdrawal headache. Normally, I drink only one cup of caffeinated coffee a day. Now, I find that is not sufficient. I have found a good place to buy diet Coke but it is caffeinated. So, I have been keeping the bottles and refilling them with water and putting them in the freezer. My refrigerator does not stay cold enough to freeze the water in the bottles to ice but keeps them very cold and a treat to drink on these very hot days here in Korea.

My son in the USA is sending me some artificial sweetener which I can't buy here in Korea and I will be making my own drinks that are caffeine free with some fruit. I know I have written about this lack of artificial sweetener before in these posts. I am not sure why this is the case here, but it is a real hardship for those of us who want to cut down the amount of sugar we drink and/or eat. There are plenty of products in the supermarket that contain sugar such as a huge array of juices far more than I remember in the US and one can buy even hamburger patties that have sugar added to them. The only condensed milk that I can find also have a lot of sugar added to the product. I had to throw mine away. The candy and cookie aisle of the stores are huge. Luckily I am not tempted. I never buy them.

My weight has not changed for about three weeks although I have been exercising. I am disappointed, so I am looking at ways to cut down what I am eating. I used to eat less when I had less money to spend. I don't eat as much Korean food as I used to since I don't fix it here at home. I am going to look at the ways I have been eating here. I used to eat just one meal a day and I have noticed I am eating two now. Cutting down on caffeine is one of the things I am doing now.

All and all I am enjoying my time in Korea. I am getting to know more people and even went to church yesterday although I am not a Christian. The service was conducted in English. I had a great time. I went to dinner with several members afterward to a Vietnamese restaurant and the food was outstanding and very healthy.

Too Much Stuff

My son called me from my house in Northern California and told me that they were putting in a new air conditioning system. My other son was using the old system and it finally bit the dust. I was surprised because I never used it anyhow. I had air conditioning for each room and used them when I was in the room. Since he has a larger family, that was not possible. The big system finally went out and they were putting in a new system.

Then they told me something else that horrified me. They took a whole truck load of books out of the house. I had a huge collection of books. I loved my books. I was proud of my books. There is still a lot left, but many of them are gone and were taken to either second hand book stores or to the library. They screened them to make sure they were not first editions or out of print books.

Since coming to Korea, I have noticed that I live with a lot less stuff. Many books are in the collections on the Internet. Some are in my Sony Reader. Most of the books, I don't read anymore. I just like to keep them around and they have been gathering dust. Since coming here, my allergies have not been bothering me. I could not have taken those books with me when it was my time to go. What is happening now would have happened after I made my final exit anyhow.

There is a lot more room in my house. I have gotten rid of my clothes. Now, the books have been disappearing. I still would get books that I want to read, but if I am not going to read them right away I won't get them. If I am not going to wear my clothes right away, I won't buy them. I still have two pairs of large jeans I can't wear anymore here in Korea that I don't have the courage to throw them away. (I was able to get belts for them and now I wear them.)

Being healthy means using what you have and not piling stuff around you that you don't need. It's like a rich man with a large vault of gold he never spends. I knew a woman who had a huge number of shoes she never wore. You can only wear one pair at a time, drive one car at a time, sleep in one bed at a time and so on. Healthy is not the body alone but the head too.

But I am still going to miss the books.

No Television

I do not have a television although I do have access to cable. Most of the stations here in Korea are in Korean but there is CNN and a few movies from time to time in English with Korean subtitles. Getting books in English is hard in South Korea unless you like reading the old classics which I do from time to time. Many of the programs from the BBC and the United States are blocked on my Internet connection.

Sometimes, I get tired of reading and writing and want a little television that is not blocked. I have found some web sites that are wonderful and I add new ones all of the time. I have no difficulty in listening to music and listen to many music stations from all over the world although my favorite is Live 365 and I paid their small fee so I would not have to listen to commercials. I had a membership with them before which I had enjoyed and listened to them for a while to make sure they work here in South Korea. Some music stations that I have paid into in the States do not work here in Sourth Korea such as Rhapsody and Pandora.

As for movies, Flex does not work and neither does HULU. But I found one with some old movies especially from the silent era that does work and it is free. It is: http://www.freemooviesonline.com/. There is no cost for this site. Don't look for new movies here. I also do not use the prirate movie sites as they are not only illegal but take advantage of someone's hard work.

I love documentaries and the best site for this is : http://www.topdocumentaryfilms.com/. There is even a place for people to make comments about the movies they have just seen. I really recommend this site. Another site is: http://freeonlinedocumentary.com/. I am a fool for travel videos and you can get one from anywhere at : www.travelistic.com.

Part of the fun is exploring what is out there on the Internet and whether or not it will play here in South Korea. The BBC is always a good bet as long as you don't want to watch the BBC television series. The CNN is also good and The New York Times has some very good and entertaining videos on its front page. I have taken tests to see if I am depressed and what kind of news I should be looking for. C-Span from the USA is now available here in South Korea and everywhere else and it is fun to watch. Just load those terms in your search engines and have fun.

Haunted by a Chicken

I wrote in another blog that I had gone to a small coastal city in Korea on a day trip with a friend over the weekend and ate at a small restaurant located on the beach that was separated by a strand of trees. We were the first customers of the day and the owner and cook said that we had time to walk to the beach and walkway while she prepared our feast. Just as we entered the trees on the pathway, we turned for a moment and saw a chicken running for its life. It was our lunch. The meal was excellent, but I had a terrible time looking at the cooked chicken and knowing we had seen its last few moments of life.

That had never happened to me before. I was blissfully unaware of the connection between the meal and the real cost of what it took for me to have that meal. Please don't laugh at me, Reader. I just never gave it a thought. I have lived in the city all of my life. Milk comes in bottles or cartons. Eggs comes in cartons. Chickens, well they come in plastic bags. I don't eat in fast food restaurants, so I don't know how they get those chickens in KFC restaurants or I didn't know until now.

In Korea, all of the eggs I buy are brown. I don't think they have factory egg farms which is great. Some of my students tell me that they all had to kill chickens at one time or another because there were always some chickens in the back yard if their grandparents lived in the country in a house. Most people live in apartments so no one has to kill chickens in the city anymore.

I did go visit my aunt in Oregon in my childhood and knew that one dug up potatoes, onions and carrots but they don't scream at you when you shovel them up. I picked apples, peaches and plums but no one slaps your hand as the apple tree did to Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz".

I told one of my students today that I think the chicken is haunting me, following me. In reality I don't mean it, but I don't like the reality of some living creature having to die because I was hungry. I also would rather eat a bowl of rice and some cucumbers than eat meat right now which is what I had for lunch. Rice has plenty of protein and I don't need to buy meat anyhow. Tofu is just dandy for a meal anyhow.

Maybe, eating was fun for me because the real cost of it was not evident to me. I did not live around farms or orchards. I did not live around ranches. Veal was veal and not baby beef and I did not have to look into the eyes of a baby calf as it was put to death just to be on my dinner table. And lamb? I did not have to remember that lamb was a baby sheep. And I don't have to remember that there are a lot of people who are going hungry today. I sound morbid, but I think we need to remember this reality.

I don't live in the USA right now. There were times in my life that I did not have enough to eat and times were hard when I first came here. Maybe I am trying to put eating in the right context in my life. The more I think about it, the more I think that is what I am trying to do.

Bear with me as I try to remember why I eat and that is not to make me feel good and secure but to keep my body going and to keep it healthy. That is why I am on this quest in the first place.

Sugar Substitutes

As stated before, I live in Korea. On the 16th of this month, I will have lost close to 40 lbs and I have been here three months. I have gone from a size 22 to a size 18. This is great and it is all due to healthy eating on a Korean diet and lots and lots of walking.

One of the problems I have had here is that I have trouble finding diet drinks. When I do find them they are almost two dollars per small bottle. I nurse them and buy them three or four at a time. There is no such thing as a six pack or a case or at least I have never seen it. People with diabetes must really have a problem. I have been rated as a diabetic, but my sugar level has been normal of late and I have never taken insulin. I ended up buying some lemons and putting them in filtered water with iced cubes.

There is a restaurant that has diet Pepsi called Pepsi Max on the menu but they are always out when I go there. I like the place because it has a great view of the city, a very nice chicken salad and everything is about $7.90 and no tipping is allowed. There are American restaurants in town but I don't know where they are and go only when someone takes me there. The cheapest meal is usually 35 dollars. It is steak and they tell you it is American steak.

The biggest problem I have is there are no sugar substitutes that I can find that one finds readily in the USA in pink, blue or yellow envelopes. There is no Splenda which is alright since it has a bad effect on me; but there is no saccharin and other sugar substitutes. When I am in a social situations I have to drink regular Pepsi or Cola drinks which seem so full of sugar since I am not used to them. In my apartment, I sometimes drink orange juice which is a favorite here and will drink them from the machines. Juice is a favorite drink and it can be apple, pine, pineapple, plum, coconut and others. The candy aisle is stock full of candy from all over the world. I don't eat candy all that much. None of the candy that I have seen is diet.

There is a real problem with diabetes from what I hear from others. Those with the disease continue to drink the sugared colas and juice. I am lucky in that my diabetes was from a stay in the hospital when all they would give me was sugared jello. Now, I seem to be normal. Even if I needed to cut down on sugar, it would be very hard here in Korea. As I said, I drink filtered water with lemon slivers and that is all I can do. I don't like the extra sugar and thank goodness the Korean diet still does not have sugared deserts although the American style deserts are filtering in and I see the younger set munching on pies and candy at the bus stops.

Bullying

I had to check if I wrote about bullies. Since coming to Korea, I have had a problem with someone who is bullying me. In the past, I have had a problem with bullies and never really knew what to do with them. They tie my stomach in knots, freeze my brain so I can't really react or have no idea what to do when these individuals start in with their bullying behavior.

Bullying is an act of repeated aggressive behavior in order to intentionally hurt another person physically or mentally or both. Bullying is characterized by an individual behaviing in a certain way to gain power over onother person. As a child, my father used to bully my mother and us kids. My mother in turn bullied us. It was often physical and mental abuse. In the case of the person here in Korea, it is only mental and not physical.

This person is in the so-called chain of command and has some authority in my employment. If not, I would avoid her. I have no idea why she goes out of her way to be mean, vindictive and to lie to me. Everything this person tells me I have to be very careful about. Why am I writing about it here in my health blog? Because her yelling at me during the first few months here made me physically sick. Luckily, I had other resources such as my journal and relatives in the United States.

Things are better now in that she does not yell at me anymore, but I still have to watch what she tells me. Having my own apartment really helps in that I can close the door and shut this person out. I am learning to stand up for myself. Again, journaling is helping. Here in Korea, those who are aged and I am considered a senior citizen are supposed to be treated with respect. Many people tell you that but will drive down and street not stop for some senior citizen who is standing in the middle of the traffic and that includes the public transit system. They leave them there scared and afraid.

I have not resorted to yelling myself. I can't stop seeing her, but I can stand up for myself. The last time she yelled at me I simply said I did not understand her and left the room. Her English is very poor. I still don't understand what she is angry about. I suspect the real reason she is angry has nothing to do with me. There are things happening in her life and she needs someone to let the steam out. It is not ok for her to take things out on me. She needs to find a more appropriate way.

Being a healthier person means taking better care of myself. I won't let someone mistreat me no matter what is happening to her in her life. It also means letting go of the past and not staying angry at her past behavior but not forgetting what she is capable of. Sometimes I relax because she is treating me better that I forget she is very capable of lying and taking what is not hers. I can't forget to be on my toes and protect myself.

New Room Mate

I finally got paid and the first thing I bought was a fan. It has warmed up considerably in Korea and summer will be here officially on the 21st. What I did not know and have since found out is that Korea has a monsoon climate starting in June. When I first heard this, I thought it was a joke. Oh no, not so. They do have a monsoon period. First the spring season was cold enough for me to layer all of my sweatshirt jackets that I own and the one winter jacket at once and still be cold and then I find out there is a monsoon. Second, once I got used to a very cold spring, I find out about the monsoon. Where is Al Gore and Global Warming when you need him? Then spring finally came.

The promised rains have not materialized as yet. It rained quite a bit during Spring. I was not used to it. My apartment does not have air conditioning and neither does anyone else in the building. So far, it really has not needed it. The university has and even though they changed the filters in the air conditioner in my classroom there does not seem to be any movement towards turning it on. The other university where my special student is enrolled does have air conditioning and it is on.

I bought a fan and it has made all of the difference in my very small apartment. I have a furnished apartment that is really a very tiny studio apartment. When they advertised that it is furnished, they mean it has a stove, fridge and a washing machine. The last appliance was a genuine surprise. No one seems to have a dryer and I hang everything on a rack that dries fairly quick. However, the heat is conducted through the floor. Many people sleep on the floor and I really tried and succeeded at least for a while but I ended up getting a couch that makes into a bed. I got a chair because I can't sit on the floor comfortably and a very small desk. Furniture is very nicely priced here in Korea and I have to give it all away when I leave. I also bought a very small hand held vacuum because what people use just does not work for me. It is kind of a mop you put a cloth on the end and it supposed to pick up the dirt but doesn't. The vaccum which was very cheap is small and nice.

The landlady heard I needed a fan and wanted to give me one after I got one already. Darn. It is working now. I also have a printer which saves me time running around printing handouts at the university where it is very hot. I would rather be here in my apartment where it is much cooler. The university would give me an office but none of the offices have Internet and I have it here. I would rather stay at home and work. I go a little early and make copies of what I download and print.

Korea is a very beautiful country and the people are as nice as can be. I love my landlords and the university, are good to work for although a bit disorganized at times. The students are wonderful. My new room mate, the fan, is fitting very well although it was very difficult to put it together and the instructions were all in Korean.

National Museum of Korea

I visited the National Museum of Korea this last Saturday. It is considered the flagship of Korean history and art in South Korea and is the cultural organization that represents Korea. The museum, itself, opened its doors in its new building in October 2005 and is located in Youngson Family Park in Seoul, South Korea. It is a very impressive looking building.

The museum contains over 220,00 pieces in its collection with about 13, 000 pieces on display at one time. It displays relics and artifacts through six permanent exhibition galleries that are easy to understand and have extensive explanations and even films. Although they had many tools that showed the evolving use of tools in the Korean peninsula they did not have any human or homo type skeletons on display although the signs mentioned that they were found.

The National Museum Is the sixth largest museum in the world in terms of floor space and covers 137,000 square meters or 1,480,000 squares feet. They are arranged in rooms or galleries that are divided into three main floors accessible by stairs or elevators. There were portable translators in other languages including English but many of the signs were in English as well as Korean.

I particularly liked the Buddha collections and the Greek helmet that was a gift from the Greek government to a Korean athlete who done very well in the Olympics.

There was no charge for anyone to enter the museum of Korea and the hours were very nice to accommodate working people. For instance on Saturday, the museum was opened from 9 am and closed at 9pm. There was a charge for parking in the covered parking garage.