Memories

A short time ago, I wrote about a dream in which was a outline about a philosophy on how to live one's life without the suffering that I seemed to be going through. I would remember experiences in my past and revisit the anger that I felt towards certain people or feel the embarrassment that I felt over my actions. I told a friend named Ted who liked it and called it a "Book Philosophy" and feels he wants to use it for himself. He told others and some people, a minister of the Christian faith even got mad at me because they thought it was a philosophy based on the Bible. It isn't. It is a way of viewing one's life like a book in which there are chapters of memories. They can be pictured like travel posters, places you have seen and experienced and enjoyed and then the chapter is over and a new one begins. No one can hold onto a chapter because a new one always begins.

Ted has been telling me that he has been modifying it to fit his life and he has been having fun with it as well. He is sorry about what happened with some of the people who were hostile to me about it. I think he was as surprised as I was, but I have not heard anything more about it. He is now in Seattle, Washington and drinking coffee at one of their numerous cafes. I have no idea why he is there, but I never know why he is at the places he goes to. He knows lots of people while I know few. He attends 12 step meetings where ever he goes. He says he has never been someplace that did not have any.

I brought up memories because I am reading a biography of Marcel Proust who wrote a seven volume novel called "Remembrance of Things Past". It is based on a narrator's memories. If the narrator picks up a rough towel, he writes how it reminds him of the towels he used as a boy when he would get out of the swimming pool and so on. It is a great achievement of writing. I have not read all seven volumes but only three and had the remaining volumes in my book collection which I lost while I was in Korea. The library evidently did not keep them for they have only one volume in their collection which is a shame.

Proust used things to remember his past while I like to put my memories in chapters to enjoy and savor although not all memories are joyful. One has to give permission to remember the unpleasant emotions and to leave them in the chapters during the time they occurred. For instance, I spent some time going to San Diego State University and had trouble with some of my classes and I was very poor and had some unpleasant experiences with people who gave me a bad time. One woman in particular tried to belittle me and instead of trying to burying the anger, I allow myself to feel the anger and remember that it was a long time ago. I have no idea what happened to her. Maybe someone belittled her before. I don't know. I leave the whole thing in that chapter and then I go to the next chapter which was when I lost my weight and left the state. I enjoyed that chapter.

Recently, I was taking hay fever medication that made me very ill and I stopped take them. I am in bed with the lap top on my lap and feeling better and watching the awful storm outside. Hail had blanketed the ground with white. I am looking at the world through my window and the lap top. It is a small chapter and one that is nice since I am getting messages from people I know. My friend from Ashland called and I enjoyed his phone call very much.

I am not saying that everyone should adopt my philosophy, but people should just do the best they can and not follow others or books or anything else without question. We are all unique individuals and some of use need to be guided by outside forces such as religious guides, radio hosts and the like and some of us don't. What I think we should all have is the freedom to be who we are as long as we are not interfering with our neighbors. I know one friend who does not give much thought to memories. She just lives in today. I remember asking her about people she knew as a kid who have since died and where she was going herself someday. I remember her eyes through her thick glasses in puzzlement as she looked at me. She said: "I have no control over that so I don't worry about it." Wow, I envy her with that philosophy although I could not do it. We should just do what suits us.

There are too many people out there who want to do that for us. I don't like that nor will I permit it. We are lucky in that we live in a society and culture that we don't have to put up with such control; however there are some people in the world who do. My memories are mine to do with what I want to do. I just don't want to wear a hair shirt anymore because of them.