September 16, 2009 'Today'

The same thing happened today in that the same friend came by and I went out looking at apartments. The intense self-hatred was not there. It was as if my writing in here and in my journal brought out some of the secrets that I did not want to express and that I was afraid to. It is not over, but it was a definite beginning.

September 15, 2009 'Self-Hatred'

This is a hard post to write. I woke up to someone at my house who wanted me to see a possible new apartment he might rent. I went with him and I liked it. We went to the rental office where he put in his paperwork and they will call him if his application is approved. Then we went out to lunch.

I did not have time to take a bath although I had one yesterday and had clean clothes on this morning. I was so aware of my overweight all through the morning. My friend did not care nor did anyone that I met throughout the morning. I just felt so horrible that I could not wait to get back to my house and close the door. I have not gained weight and looked presentable. I just could not stop the feeling of self-loathing and it kept snowballing.

I ate lunch and it was well within my food plan. I did not "pig out" at the restaurant. I am not doing it now.

10:10pm
Last night I wrote about my ex-husband and I think that is why I felt such a huge outburst of self-hatred. I was feeling guilty, perhaps for letting loose my anger at the way he never forgot a grudge. I really went into it and was so surprised how extensive it was. I still don't understand how angry it was at me. Then I began to understand the toll it took on him, harboring all of that anger.

All during the time I was with the person looking for the apartment I felt ugly and useless. I am not ugly and useless. I had no issues with the person I was with except he reminded me of my ex-spouse. Luckily, he is not a grudge keeper and we did not discuss my ex-spouse at all.

Whenever I work on issues from the past and drag them out into the light, something reacts inside of me. I don't know why it does. It feels as if I am giving up a secret and became a snitch. That was the way it was in my family. One did not snitch. Although the only eyes who saw my secrets about Dan was my journal, I felt funny doing it. I felt my family's behavior was my fault too. Dan was my first spouse. He did things that I never told anyone except in my journal. I know I blamed myself for his behavior and for the sick things he did. I am not to blame for adults and what they do. I am to blame only for what I do.

Sometimes at this one job site which was very dysfunctional the supervisor would get mad at what he thought I was thinking. I filed a complaint about a penalty he filed against me for what he thought I was thinking about with the union. Of course, he lost. Even his supervisor laughed at him for that one. I am not responsible for no one, I repeat, no one but myself. I have no children. They are all over the age of 30 years of age. I am on my own and responsible for just me. My ex-spouse used that on me over and over again. (I know I am repeating this but I want to make this perfectly clear.) I think I would have dreamed about it but took a pill last night for dizziness that really helps me sleep. I did not dreamed about anything.

September 14, 2009 'Scale'

This morning, I saw the scale sitting in the bathroom and got on it. I had not eaten as yet and was hoping that I would see that I had lost some weight. I have not been eating low amounts of food nor overeating so there was really not reason to see any loss of weight. There wasn't. I was disappointed.

I have not been eating a low carbohydrate diet. I am getting used to eating just three meals a day and no snacks. I do get hungry and that is why I have been eating in the morning. I should be eating protein in the morning, but toast is my favorite meal in the morning. I love toast, butter and coffee with cream. If I could afford the extra calories I would have orange juice with that as well. That would make the perfect breakfast. Maybe tomorrow, I might try for a low carbohydrate diet. I have the food for it and do not have to go shopping for anything. I have plenty of frozen vegetables.

I have always thought of the scale as a tyrant. When I worked at a regular 40 hour, 5days a week job I would weigh myself and the weight on the scale would tell me if I am going to have a good day or a terrible day. I have decided not to use that scale anyhow. I am going to use the doctor's scale this Friday but it will be a different one than the one I used a few days ago and it will be with my shoes on. I expect to weigh more. The scale that I am going to use has the reputation of showing a higher weight than the one I used last time.

Even though the scale is a tyrant, I still need to know what it says. So, on Friday before I have my coffee and breakfast I will go to the clinic and weigh myself. I won't even have to talk to anyone as I don't have an appointment although I do have one next week.

Exercise Log Sept 14-20 2009

September 13, 2009 'Self-Image'

Years ago, I help take care of an elderly woman who was in her early 90's. She was barely conscious of where and who we were. She already had dementia and she was to die in a short time later. I looked at her thin body and for a split second I envied her small body. I was horrified at my reaction. I did not want to be in her condition for anything in the world although she had lived a very full and good life, she was at the end of it and I envied the fact that she had a small and thin body.

When I get up in the morning and head for the shower, I hate to look in the mirror and see my double chin and my stomach. When I am going someplace, I look in the long mirror in my bedroom and always check my butt. I hate seeing good friends because I am afraid I am going to lose them because of my overweight although it does not seem to make a difference. My partner calls me "the cat's pajamas" whatever that means.

One time when I was visiting in Kansas City, Mo. I went to West Port where I went to a woman's book store where there was a concert. A woman singer was performing who had tremendous self confidence and I know she was about my size and she felt great about herself. I want to be like that woman.

"Bad Body Fever Syndrome" is real for me. I know it is one way of keeping women in their place as far as culture is concerned. It helps pour money into advertisers' coffers and makes most women cringe in front of mirrors. Sometimes I feel guilty in eating food at all. I think I have no right to eat. I should just slink off somewhere and hide. I know people look at me and think I am someone who has no control over what I eat although when I order things in restaurants I never order what thinner women do. I could never order sandwiches, pastries, nothing but just coffee and Vivannos. I don't even order salads anymore because of the dressings. The reason I don't order all of those things is that they contain gluten. It does not matter. I have had doctors tell me not to eat so much cake or donuts. I never eat them. If I go to a restaurant for a hamburger, I have to have one without a bun and I will no longer eat french fries because they cause cancer.

Part of this plan is to stop the self-hate. I want to be free of this. I want to feel free to leave the house. I don't want to hate any part of my body.

Food List from Sept 14 to Sept 20, 2009

Monday 9/14
AM: caffeinated coffee, 1/2 pill, 3 toasts with butter
PM: rice, two cheese enchiladas, one sausage and cheese sandwich, one diet cola
2 small low fat yogurt cups, 1/2 pill, vitamin D, calcium, dizziness pill

Tuesday 9/15
AM: 3 toasts with butter1/2 pill
PM: 3 egg omelet with cheese and sausage, country fried potatoes, iced tea with saccharine,
diet cola, one sausage and cheese sandwich.
After 6 pm: 3 small cups of vanilla ice cream (low fat and small)

Wednesday 9/16
AM: 3 toasts with butter, 1/2 pill, 1 mug of caffeinated coffee with half and half
PM: 1 sausage and cheese sandwich
one dinner of low carbohydrate dinner with vegetables, potato salad, diet cola
After 6pm: 1/2 pill, vitamin D, calcium

Thursday 9/17
AM: Vivianna mango and banana, caffeinated coffee with half and half
PM: sausage and cheese sandwich, small Thai noodle frozen dinner with tofu
after 6pm: 1/2 pill, decaffeinated coffee with half and half

Friday 9/18
AM: caffeinated coffee with half and half
PM: 3 egg omelet with chili, cottage cheese, iced tea with saccharine, caffeinated coffee with half and half, sausage (2) with cheese (2) sandwich, 2 small container of low fat chocolate ice cream
after 6 pm: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1 pill

Saturday 9/19
AM: caffeinated coffee with half and half, Vivianna mango and banana
PM: one sausage and cheese sandwich, one sausage and cheese sandwich, one very small container of chocolate ice cream low fat, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
after 6 pm: diet cola

Sunday 9/20
Am: coffee and half and half, decaffeinated coffee and half and half
PM: steak and veggies, two very small containers of chocolate ice cream, low fat, diet cola
after 6pm: pill

Advertisements

If I ever have readers, it will be evident that I will have advertisers that will be in direct contrast in what I am trying to do here. I noticed that today. I had no idea this would happen when I accepted advertising. Since, I am a big believer in free will it will be up to the reader to accept or reject whatever advertisements is listed on my blog. Some of them have been very useful for me and some as I said are a direct contradiction of what I am trying to do here.

Definitions

"Bad Body Fever Syndrome" This is taken from the book, Hirschmann, Jane R. and Munter, Carol H. "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself From Food and Weight Obsession"( Fawcett: 1995) The authors feel that central to women's oppression is the hatred of one's own body. It is the malaise women contract as a result of living in a cuture that devalues them and is still as rampant and contagious today.

September 12, 2009 'Dieting'

I know that I am putting down what I am eating, but I want to make it clear that I am not on a diet. There is no doubt that over the years as I have been on diets and lost weight it actually made me even more over-weight than I was in the first place. Hirschmann and Munter in the book that I put in my bibliography stated that "diets turn us into compulsive eaters." They further claim that diets also make women sick. (p.xi)

There is no doubt that I have internalized the attitudes of a culture that treats women as inferior and takes the position that they should look a certain way and judges them strictly on how well they conform to those requirement. I don't want to hate my body anymore, but I do admit that my problem with food is not simply a problem with self-image. It goes deeper than that, however I am battling some of that prejudice as well as PTSD.

There is a reason why the title of this blog is "getting healthier" and not more attractive or getting a boyfriend or improving one's romantic life. I am on a quest to do just that, get healthier and that means in a mental and physical way. I am going to learn to cook and not binge on whatever is handy. I am going to eat food that feeds my body and gives it the things it needs and not gets rid of the hungry pangs. I will also determine whether or not I am really hungry or just trying to stop the fear that creeps up when I have not eaten. There is more. I will explore them as I go along.

Exercise is a real barrier right now. I don't know how I am going to overcome that, but I will take it one day at a time. I can't have it all of a sudden. I only started this blog a short time ago. I have felt really bad because I was spending a lot of time sleeping and watching television. I wanted to spend more time writing and working at my job here at home writing. Finally, I seem to be able to get that started and the depression that was dogging my steps everyday has been lifting. I no longer spend a great deal of time shopping, eating and sleeping.

Sometimes it is a matter of learning what we do to ourselves unconsciously. I was doing a lot of self-punishing. Instead when I am really coming down hard on myself, I can usually stop and tell myself to cut some slack. The hardest thing to do now is to leave this cage that has the door open and to do what I really want to do. Who would have thought that doing what one wants to do would be so darn hard? It is. I have looked forward to this time in my life all of life but never really planned beyond it. I want to be thinner and healthier but I never planned beyond that. Now, it is time to change so many of my habits and to do it now in a mindful way.

September 11, 2009 Friday-'Medical appointment'

I saw the nurse practitioner I see for woman's health. I have been seeing her since 1989 when I moved to this area. I tried once more to see if there was anyway I could get help in losing weight, but she was truthful in that resources were even more limited than I had first thought. She took time to deal with my questions and I know she was being told not to spend that much time with her patients. Again, I know I will have to do this on my own. I just don't feel confident that I know what I am doing. It is very possible, that the current state of medicine might not have the answers that I need anyhow.

The only program that the clinic has for over-weight are a series of meetings in which 30 to 40 men gather in a small room and are led through talks by a dietitian who has already told me in front of all of those men that my chosen diet of low carbohydrates was not the way to go. I needed to count calories. When I did talk with her privately I told her that I had celiac disease and she told me that I still needed to stay on a diet of counting calories and eat a breakfast of cereal that was high in fiber. People with celiac disease cannot eat meals the same way as normal people can. She also made fun of me in front of the men which encouraged the other men to do the same. Dietitians generally do not understand the eating requirements of a gluten-free diet.

I find it very uncomfortable to be in a room full of men and to be made fun of and to be in a program that is geared for the same diet for everyone especially since men are so much different than women. Not only do I get frightened by the large number of men in the closed up room, but I am angry at the way I am treated. I see no reason for the dietitian to treat me in that way.

The nurse practitioner did mention that I will have to do a combination of diet and exercise. Obviously, I am finding it difficult to get the exercise component going. I also have a close relative who is having trouble in his life and I am being sucked into his problems. It is not his life but my own fault. I need to step back and let him find his own way and not interfere.

I am not going to say that I am not scared and that I know what I am doing. I have no idea how I am going to get healthier. I am on the list for surgery to lose weight, but there are no studies that show it would even work on me. I don't want to go through it and find out that I can't lose it. Besides, once you go through the surgery, you have to have plastic surgery to fix the folds of fat. I would rather just lose the weight normally. I have been on that list for three years and I it will be four or more years until my name comes up and then I will be too old anyway.

Knowing that there are no readers for my blog is nice right now. I have been reading the blogs of other and have been impressed by them. It gives me the freedom to say the things I have been saying. I am imagining what others might be thinking if they are reading this but glad no one is.

I bought some cookbooks today at a second hand store and will be doing more work in the kitchen next month. Right now I am eating meals that are prepared and frozen. It is like having a cook in the house. It used to be that gluten free frozen meals did not exist, but there are several that can be purchased. None of them have a lot of carbs.

I am going to weigh myself at least once a week at the clinic. I can't get my blood pressure checked that often, but I have a doctor's appointment on the 23red. I am sure I will have to take another blood sugar test. I did get a this device for measuring it, but then I got a note that said it did not work. Although I hate putting down the weight down, I will do it.

Weight and Blood Pressure Measurements

Friday, September 11, 2009
weight=278.3 (without shoes)
blood pressure=139/71(with shoes on)
at doctor's office

Friday, September 18, 2009
weight=276.1 (with shoes on)
at doctor's office

Friday, September 25, 2009
weight=275.7 (with shoes on) same scale
Blood pressure=127/68

Friday, October 2, 2009
weight=276.7 same scale
sugar=119 H

September 10, 2009 Poem: "Work of Art"

WORK OF ART

By Geneva Lorrain

My body is a work of art, etchings of past events, experiences,
people I have known over the years
finely arranged in the fat that lies over my bones, stomach, arms, legs, thighs,
and joints.

Every day I heave my work of art out of bed, down the stairs,
from room to room, always remembering the pain and sorrow
of those lines, bubbles, bumps, lumps, pounds that play
in my mind.

I often don't see the sunrises, sunsets, seasons, flowers, skies,
I just see the same hurt that lies in my pulsating surplus
from what I have sculpted, draw, paint, imagine
from food.

I am the critic, the artist, both condemning, hating and creating
the formation of the self and body that I hate and others loath;
It is my reason for being but the cause for my longing
for heaven and hell.

September 9, 2009 Wednesday -'So Far'

It has been a few days since I started this blog and I am surprised to how good I feel about it. I feel so energized that I ordered a cookbook at Barnes and Noble that is a vegetarian book based on the Farmer's Market and seasonal fresh produce. I am also excited enough to start working on my yard and the house. I get a bit depressed at times and close down. When I do, I stop working on the yard and house although not totally. The wash gets done and so does the dishes. I hate to vacuum as the it breaks down all of the time. I do change the linen regularly.

I am not a vegetarian at present although I have been in the past. I went on the Atkins low carbohydrates diet and started to eat meat. I was diagnosed as a diabetic and had high blood pressure. I have been able to keep the pressure at normal ranges and so have the blood sugar levels. I am going to get weighed this Friday and will register the weight here. I can use the scale there anytime I want. The clinic is a short distance from here. I have not made up my mind how often I should weigh myself. I am afraid I will get depressed by weighing myself and seeing that I have not lost any weight. I am also afraid to see that I have lost some. I am expecting not to have lost any this time because I only started.

The short term goals of this food plan is not to eat sugar at all and I have pretty well made that. I also want to be able not to eat past 6pm except for drinks. I am hoping to do this by the end of this week.

September 9, 2009 Wednesday -'Fat Prejudice'

"America's Hatred of "Fat" People"

"In late June the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention launched its LEAN Works Web site, a clearinghouse of information on the health costs of employing fat people replete with recommendations on how to prevent and control obesity. "


I got the above off the Internet. The article source was Newsweek and it was dated Friday, August 28, 2009. The reason I included it, was that it was one of the first articles that I got when I Googled "hatred of fat people". I got 247, 000 hits. Of course, any overweight person did not need to do that to learn of the prejudice of people against fat people. They know it by the everyday reaction of people against them and their own internalization of those prejudices.

About a year ago, I tried group therapy which was based on PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which I have and have been diagnosed for). Many of the people in that group were over weight and there was one woman who was not over weight but brought up the subject over and over again. You could tell she enjoyed "twisting the knife" into those with weight problems.
Many of the women in the group had severe suicide problems along with drug and alcohol abuse issues. Luckily, I do not have drug and alcohol problems nor do I have self-abuse as many in this group did such as "cutting" nor was I suicidal. They were nice women of different ages but the professional leader was afraid of some of the women in the group. That was scary for me. Most lived at home with their families of origin. I have not done so since I was a teenager and I am 64 years old. I was the only one that completed college and worked consistently.

The reason I brought up the group therapy (and I don't think I did it justice) was that almost all of them had control issues and all of them were afraid to go into public. Some of them would put small dogs in their purses. They wanted to control the environment around them which of course they couldn't. People are so cruel to overweight people. I experienced this myself, but I am 5' 8" and learned to turn my size against people who try to look down on me. I look down on them and I have a MP3 player I just plug in my ears and turn them off. It still is not easy to go into the public anymore than it is for those in that group therapy. I go to certain places such as Barnes and Noble Book Store and they know me there.

I have lost jobs and been harassed on work sites because of my overweight. There is a good side to all of this. I learned to be my own person and to survive on my own and to depend on no one else but myself. That is a useful skill that many women don't learn. Many women I know cannot exist without having a boyfriend or husband. I had plenty, don't get me wrong, but I have had to survive for long dry spells and I do very well on my own. People are afraid of being alone and I thrive in it. I rarely feel lonely and have lots of hobbies that I love to do. I am a big time writer and reader. I love to do all kinds of art. However, like the women in the group therapy I do tend not to go in public because people do give overweight people a bad time. I would love to be slender one time in my life so that I look normal and see what it is like to be that way. Maybe the personality I developed is such that I still won't get along with people all that well anyhow.

I post on a newspaper forum, and I am always surprised to how little some posters know about the world. Because I do read, I have a good solid foundation on which to operate from. I don't read because I want to escape from being different. I read because I love to. I love to write because I love to and have a strong lust for words. I don't think I would have developed such a strong intellectual bent if I had been thin and more attractive. I think, for me and for many women in the group therapy overweight is a defense against people who want to use us for their needs and not allow us to develop our own interests and desires.

I am an optimistic person. There was an advantage in being overweight that I feel is no longer there. I want to see how the other side of the world lives now. It will not be easy changing the way I have been doing things, reacting to the pressures of the world and to the messages that I have internalized. Prejudices that are formed by others are also internalized by me too. I hate fat people. It is a double edge prejudice like all prejudices. I really have to work on that.

September 8, 2009 'Rumi to keep me going'

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each as been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-Rumi

BIBLIOGRAPHY of books used on this project

Altman, Donald "Art of the Inner Meal: Eating as a Spiritual Path" Harper: 1999

Goldberg, Natalie "Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within"
" Wild Mind: Living the Writer's Life"

Quality Paperback: 1986, 1990

Green, Joey "The Zen of Oz: Ten Spiritual Lessons from Over the Rainbow" Renaissance: 1998

Kornfield, Jack "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry: How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path" Bantam: 2000

Hirschmann, Jane R. and Munter, Carol H. "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies: Freeing Yourself From Food and Weight Obsession" Fawcett: 1995

Exercise Log from Sept 7-13 2009

Monday 09-07
Labor Day First Day
Did not record

Tuesday 09-08
I did not exercise

Wednesday 09-09
I did not exercise. What I did do is think about what I wanted to do. I had made up my mind that I was going to walk, but it is still too hot to do that. I looked at my yard and house and there is a lot to do. Why go walking when I can do work in the yard and house that needs to be done? I also bought some beginning exercise tapes and already had some at home. I can do Yoga and exercise at home. I am going to water the yard tomorrow in the front and maybe do some pruning in the morning and cleaning of the Rainbow Room so I can do some exercise tapes.

Thursday 09-10
I did not exercise. I was kidnapped by goblins and held for ransom.

Friday 09-11
Again, I did not exercise. I was busy running around as I did yesterday.

Saturday 09-12

Food List from Monday September 7-13 2009

Monday 09-07 Labor Day 1st Day
Did not record
Tuesday 09-08
morning: decaffeinated coffee with half and half
afternoon: 12 noon: one sausage and cheese (2) sandwich (non-gluten bread), Diet Coke,
5pm: pancakes, diet syrup, butter, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, Starbucks Vivanno Strawberry-mango drink (had coupon)
8pm: 2 small low-fat yogurt cups
Wednesday 09-09
Am: 1/2 pill, pancakes, diet syrup, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
PM: one sausage and cheese(1) sandwich, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, caffeine coffee with half and half
2 small low-fat yogurt cups
Thursday, 09-10
AM: 2 pieces of toast with butter , decaffeinated coffee with half and half
12Noon: 3 egg omelet with sour cream, cheese and bacon, country potatoes, iced tea
evening: 2 sausage and cheese sandwiches and one low-fat yogurt
after 6pm: nothing (hurray!)
Friday, 09-11
AM: caffeinated coffee, 3 toasts with butter, 1/2 pill
PM: boneless pork ribs, cheese potatoes, iced tea with saccharine
Saturday, 09-12
AM: caffeinated coffee with half and half, chocolate and banana with whipped cream vivanno,
sausage sandwich, 1/2 pill
PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, choc, banana Vivanno with whipped cream,
Thai stir fry and rice (frozen) After 6pm: 2 small low fat yogurt cups
Sunday, 09-13
AM: 2 small cups of non-fat yogurt,
one vivano orange mango, caffeinated coffee with half and half
PM: one sausage and cheese sandwich, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill
After 6pm: one vivanno chocolate and banana

September 8, 2009 'Nightmares'

Last night I had nightmares. It was a direct result of the work I did in here about my family's meals as a child. I had not thought about my family or mealtimes with them for a long time. When I got irritated about reading Donald Altman's experiences as a child that he described in his book, "Art of the Inner Meal", with his family and the Jewish ritual meal, itself, I had decided to dig into my own reaction to his descriptions. I did not sleep well either.

You would think that events that happened so long ago with people now deceased would not have that much of an effect, but taking the lid off of the jar that has events that have been festering for years does have the same reaction as when you take the lid off a jar that has food spoiling for a long time. Whew! Yet, it has to be done otherwise it just sits there. Someone might say, just throw it away and be done with it. Oh, if only it was that easy. We would not have needed the Sigmund Freuds and Carl Jungs of this world. They could have gone into other areas of medicine. Every morning we could have special trash trucks that would pick up our discarded jars of unwanted memories and things that are too painful to recollect. The mind just does not work that way except in those rare exceptions when some people forget all memories in the last few minutes.

"Dear, I am ready for breakfast."

"You ate breakfast already."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"Then how come I am still hungry."

"Because it is lunchtime."

"Oh."

I had an ex-husband that when I was married to him, he thought I was foolish in trying to remember things from my past. I would quote Socrates: "An unexamined life is not worth living." He was not very nice in that he would deny things that did happen just to fool around with my mental health. I did not catch on to that for a very long time. I guess I did not want that part to be true. After all, you want your spouse to be your best friend. He had a point that the nightmares that I had last night illustrate only too well. When you uncover something so awful, so distasteful well it kicks back like an unruly horse. I got kicked last night.

One of the dreams that I had was that I was in a Senior Citizen Hall and everyone was leaving. I stayed behind for some reason. I was toward the end of the room and I heard a rustling behind these brown thin curtains. I lifted them up and there were these large, almost armored fish living behind and in the curtains. Now that I think about it in the daylight of today, it seems a bit silly; but it was a nightmare last night. I tried to call out to the others what I had discovered. Instead of living in water, they were living in these unsightly curtains. The curtains were so familiar. I still do not remember them and have none in my house as I favor blinds. These curtains were too long for the windows. The reasons I don't like curtains is that they carry dust. All you have to do is vacuum blinds. They looked like tarp and had different hues of color mostly green. I may have seen them in restaurants like The Grand Buffet. Instinctively, I knew they were connected to the work I did with my family's meals.

Maybe I overeat to compensate for not having food in the first place, but I do have Celiac Disease which is a form of starving which is ironic when you think about it. I can't get enough food so I overeat. I try taking vitamins but never found any that did not give me a severe case of the runs. In fact, lots of things give me a severe case of the runs including Splenda. I also take some medication to help with a small amount of seizures which has a side affect of taking away of one's appetite. It does not work in helping lose weight. I never took that medication before because I so rarely got the seizures but that is because I kept my blood sugar high which seemed to help. I rarely keep my blood sugar high anymore which is why I now have to take the medication. I do know that I am scared to be hungry, but that is another subject.

I don't like thinking of my parents, eating with them and that sort of thing. Heavens know what kind of issues they had themselves. Years later, my mother was always trying to feed me which was strange. She would get mad if she found out that I liked Chinese food (which I did) and preferred to eat in restaurants instead of her house which I did. She ate out a lot when she could but it was after the death of my father.

It is unknown where all of this will lead me. I am not going to worry about it. I am going to take one day at a time. I do know that the more I write about this process, the easier it is. One of the things I have learned is not to listen to anyone. I listen to me. I do take under advisement what others say especially my doctor who I trust, but I take to heart what the Buddha Gautama said and that is to run everything people say through one's heart and mind and if it rings true accept it and if it does not throw it out.

September 7, 2009 Monday 9pm

I am using as one of my resources a book, "Art of the Inner Meal: Eating as a Spiritual Path" by Donald Altman (Harper: 1999). The author is a former Buddhist monk and uses his Buddhist training for this book. Since I lean towards Buddhism and Taoism, this book seems to suit me very well. Ironically, I read it in 2001; but I had forgotten that I did. I had made a note in it since that is my usual practice.

Reading it slowly, I have been enjoying it in part and took it to the lake this evening as I enjoyed a fruit blend drink of bananas and Oranges and mangoes as well as a large cup of decaffeinated coffee. Today was Labor Day and I was alone and decided to visit my favorite park where there is a wonderful view of the lake and mountains and watch the sun go down. The temperatures which had soared of late had gone down a bit and there was a breeze. The lake is off the valley floor where I live but only 20 minutes from my house. I did not want to watch television.

As I was reading the chapter on the sacredness of food and how it played a part in the author's life, I got very irritated. He had grown up in a Jewish home. He talked about the foods that they would eat, what those foods meant and how families would sit down and eat those symbolic meals. I was getting more and more irritated. The foods represented certain events from their religious past. The author then said that people should also treat their food in the same way. I was really angry. Why? Wash your hands? Big deal? Begin with a prayer? So what? I am not Jewish. I don't give a damn about their traditions. Why do I want to read about them? I think all religions are a bunch of baloney.

I had to stop reading. I never eat at the table. I set a coffee table in front of the television or the computer and eat there although it is Buddhist tradition to eat a meal and do nothing else. Do I hate the Jewish religion? The Jewish people? Am I anti-Semitic? I never thought I was.

I sat on a bench overlooking the lake and just thought about it. The stars were beginning to come out as the sun had dipped behind the tallest mountain in the area. No, there is no religion that I hate. I hated my family especially at a meal specifically dinner. Meals were when my mother showed her hatred of us kids because she hated to give us food. She would divide a can of vegetable soup among all three of us and we learned a long time ago never to ask for more. I have a hatred of Campbell soup that I refuse to eat it even now. She fed us beans for dinner while our father had the good things, steak, roast and we would look at it as my father ate it, our eyes so big and our stomachs so empty. Breakfasts were always oatmeal. My mother said eat your oatmeal. Koreans would be glad to get it. It always made me so sick and of course I was unable to eat it because it did make me sick. Now, at least we had the food. But us kids had rickets and other signs of malnutrition. That was not why I hated our meals.

My father made good money. He was never out of work. He bought expensive cameras and stereos, records and other toys. He never bought my mother clothes or us girls clothes although my brother got some and bikes. My sister and I had to do without or what my mother could earn cleaning houses.

It was during those meals that my father showed his hatred of the world including all of us. He shouted, shook his fist at each of us and my mother whimpered. I would often hide under the table and he would shout at me for doing that. All of us kids ate as fast as we could and begged to be allowed to leave the table. My memories are so faulty about meal times. For a long time I could not remember any of them. I think I learned to hate men from meal times so having men in charge of meal times in the Jewish tradition would not be a pleasant thing for me. When I did eat with relatives, they would ask why I ate so fast. I don't know, I would say. And I didn't. I just bolted the food down.

Part of Buddhism is mindfulness. You have to try to be in the present moment and get rid of past attachments. In order to detach from these past memories, you have to uncover them first. It took some work to figure out why I was distressed by the discussion about the Jewish tradition of eating. I did not want to put a man in charge of my eating patterns again. I did not want women telling me what I can eat and what I cannot eat. Of course this is not what is happening in the Jewish meals that the author of the book that I am reading meant. This was what my inner mind was thinking, however. When I did bring it up as I looked at the lake in the waning light, wells of emotion emerged. I felt so angry at my parents and so sad at what I went through as well as what my brother and sister went through. My brother committed suicide ten years ago and my sister is a functioning psychopath that I cannot have contact with. Both of my parents are dead now.

So why bring it up? I think it is part of the past that still haunts me and is part of the reason I am over-weight. I cannot have psychological help with my overweight. As I said, resources where I get my medical care are too tight. They are for people who are in danger of death and I am not. I am lucky in that I can write. I am able to read and I have always felt close to my Spiritual Guides. My blog will record my attempt to do all of this myself. I will just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.

The first day: September 7, 2009

I have decided that I will be on a project of exercise and diet that will enable me to do something this upcoming summer of 2010. I am also going to save my money for this project as well. I have no idea what it will be. It could be a senior walking tour, a Kayaking trip or something else. (I am having so much problems with learning how to use this blog)

I will be listing everything I am doing. The total amount of weight that I will lose is unknown. I know that I am about 120 pounds overweight and do not expect to lose that by the summer of 2010. I will record the weight that is in the doctor's office and no where else.

As for diet, I will not follow any particular diet except that since I have Celiac Disease, I will be on a low carb diet by necessity. I have always wanted a cook, so I have recently bought some low calorie dinner from different places that are gluten free. Mostly, they are from Trader Joes. I usually do not eat breakfast except occasionally a fruit drink made with real fruit and I try not to eat sugar except artificial sugar such as found in diet drinks. Now, I know people say that one should eat breakfast and all that rot, but there are no studies that show it makes any difference on anyone's metabolic rate. I don't like food in the morning so I will not waste my time eating food. I will record everything I eat.

My basic exercise will be walking. Since I am close to 65 years of age, this makes sense. I also have other issues that I will not get into this posting.
I will put down my exercise by the time I spend walking.

I have many issues such as PTSD, DID and all other related issues. That is why I am using Zebrareader. I have medical coverage but cannot get help in this area. There are too many people who are in life-threatening situations. I am not.