A Nice Change

Since I started to measure my weight in stones instead of pounds on May 17, I have lost 3/4th of a stone or whatever that means. I am purposely not determining the exact amount of pounds. However, there is a change that did happen this last week that I am quite pleased about. I can now walk to my job at the university without stopping at the bus stop to rest. Instead of taking 30 minutes to get to my classroom, I take 20 minutes now and I am not out of breath anymore. I even made plans to start doing Yoga here at home later.

Last night, I went to the store, Home Plus, and did some "eye shopping" as some of the Koreans call it. My grandsons want some gifts from Korea and I don't want to buy until next pay day which is on the 7th or 8th of June. One grandson has just learned how to tell time so I will be getting him a watch and found one that he should like. The other grandson likes anything train related and found one set that he should like. I want to buy something that looks like it is from Korea. The third grandson is a mystery as he is 14 years of age and even his father does not know what to get him and I certainly do not know but there is time for that. The point is I walked all over that huge store and normally I get very tired, but I didn't. I am usually looking for a place to sit down and rest. I did not even think about it until later when I got home.

I have been going to Seoul on the weekends and this weekend I am staying home. I have a lot to do and welcome the chance to stay here. I enjoy Daejeon very much although there is much to do in Seoul but it is too big for my tastes. Besides, I eat far more than I usually do here in Daejeon. I have far less time to myself than I do here. I enjoy my teaching duties at the university and like the people I work with. My apartment is in a much smaller building than the one in Seoul although the apartment in Seoul is much bigger and nicer. I like just walking out and sitting in one of the small parks here that Samsung maintains for its employees. No one uses it except on Sundays. The company employees are very friendly and one of the managers lives next door to me.

Walking around is far more of a pleasure than it used to be as I don't have as much pain as I used to have. I have cut down on my pain relievers 50 percent. I am not huffing and puffing as I used to do. I could write that I can't believe how out of shape I had let myself get, but today is today and the past no longer exists and tomorrow is not here yet. The Buddhists call that mindful living and I try to remember that all of the time but unfortunately I forget. My ego gets in the way. All I can do is celebrate the small victories that come from time to time. I am celebrating this one.

Stealing

I found a key in my classroom and thought it might belong to a student and asked both of my classes. No one said it was theirs so I turned it in to the office. The person I usually talked with was surprised to see the key as it was the key to the 3rd floor library.

The next morning the office informed me that the computer equipment that was kept in my classroom for my use had been stolen. I had never used it as I did not know how to hook it all up and the students did not want to hear other people pronouncing English words when they had me doing it.

In Korea, there is a atmosphere of honesty; so having such a crime occur here in the university seemed to be a contradiction of what the Koreans take great pride in especially during a time when their country is edging closer to a possible war with North Korea. The students are all too young to have any real memories of the Korean War of 1950's, but its impact on their parents and grandparents is very real to them. We now have increased airplane traffic overhead. There are soldiers marching on the campus. All young men have either served in the military or are in the military now. It seems so impossible that someone would do something like that. I don't have a key to the classroom and it was opened and closed by office staff. Still, I feel some sort of responsibility too.

There are notices all over the school for the guilty party to turn themselves in because the notice states they have their image on a security camera. I have no idea whether or not this is true or if this will work. In the States, the equipment would have been sold to someone else already. I am not sure how much it was worth anyhow. Many of the classrooms are loaded with computers. Maybe, mine was special. As I said I never really looked at it. Many times when I came to school, the room was already unlocked. It probably won't be anymore.

Life in Korea is difficult for everyone now as it is. I am hoping the equipment will be found and returned but enough of a pragmatist to know it won't.

Old Clothes

I sent an Email to my son at my house requesting that he throw away all of my old clothes, shoes, coats, everything. It took this trip to show how much I have been hoarding in my house. It is true that I have lost weight and much of what I have does not fit anymore, but I had too much anyhow. I can see that clearly now. Most of what I had, I did not wear anyhow. I kept it just in case I did need it. When I retired from my regular job, I kept most of what I wore to my regular 40 hour a week job. I did not need it anymore.

There is a lot of things that I can see I was hoarding in my house. When the clothes is gone, I am going to start getting rid of other things as well. No one is using most of the stuff I have been keeping in my house as I said. My son said they threw out much of my old food as it was outdated. I just could not get myself to throw it out. Now, I live in a small apartment and there is no hoarding here at all. What is not used is thrown out or not bought at all.

One of the professors who is married to a Korean said that he got his furniture by visiting the trash containers of the large apartment complexes where he lives because when foreigners move they throw out everything. If there are any repairs to be made on what he finds, they are very slight.

I got my stuff for very little and there were no delivery charges. I bought three items and two of them were brand new and one was used and in good shape. I got just enough dishes, pots to serve two people and that is all. When I leave they all stay here.

I have a small wardrobe and make repairs to what I have. There is no such thing as large sizes in Korea and by large size I mean anything over the size of 9. I know many people who are size 12 who can't get anything here at all. One teacher waits for her yearly trip to her home in the US to buy needed items. You can't imagine how hard it is for someone who is losing weight. I make guesses and ask for things to be sent here. So far, I have been lucky.

There are Koreans who are larger than the average and I have no idea where they are getting their clothes. They are still a small miniority and suffer greatly from other Koreans. One woman who is not over-weight but not pencil thin is asked by her husband to lose weight often. I think the entire country must have an eating disorder and what they must think of me with my real over-weight is up to question.

That is not to say that I have not learned from this whole experience. I have. I have learned to live on a whole less. I have learned that it is best not to keep the huge amount of stuff that I have been gathering in my home. I didn't need it anyway. There is a saying that you can't take it with you when you finally die and although I am not counting on doing that in the very near future, it is something to think about. Just what was I saving all that stuff for anyway?

Scale

I bought a new scale from the British store, Home Plus. The reason I mentioned that the store was British was the simple fact that I did not notice the measure the scale used. It uses 'stones'. That was a surprise when I got it back to my apartment.

I did find out how to convert stones into pounds: One stone equals 14 pounds. However, I do like the idea of using stones as it eliminates the problems and issues associated with losing weight that I may have had in the past. People here in Korea have noticed that I have lost weight and ask how much I have lost. I think I will like giving them the information in stones. I find that loss of weight and the amount to be a very personal question. (In Korea, people feel free to ask you how old you are. It really shocked me at first. Now, I am used to it. There are all sort of social reasons for Koreans to ask this question as it makes a difference how they relate to you.)

I thought the use of stones was given up by the United Kingdom a while back. Maybe the scale was an old one or they use stones in weight loss. There is a smaller line of numbers in kilograms, but those are as equally strange as the stones. I like stones as it seems a bit more fun.

For a period of time, I did not have a pay day and I was seriously low on money. I had a problem finding enough food to eat. I do not have this problem anymore. Still, I find Korean food to be very useful in the loss of weight. There are some overweight individuals here, but there is some food on the market in Korea that is very conductive to weight gain such as pies, cakes and other such things. I don't buy them and can't eat them anyhow. I see kids eating them ever so often and at bus stops. Cars are very expensive here and jobs do not pay all that much. Koreans as a whole do exercise and walk quite a bit. I know that I do as well and that helps me in weight loss. I never watch television either as I do not own one. I can't see buying one as I would have to leave it here. I never knew how much the television made me hungry in the evening when I did watch it with its commercials. Now, I rarely eat in the evening and just drink tea or decaffeinated coffee.

Over the weekend, I got so tired that I miscalulated a step and fell. It wasn't a serious fall but I am sore. I will be taking it easy to some degree although I will still be walking to school and eating very little. It helps that I really don't have all that much food here.

I still can't go to many restaurants and order food as the Korean diet has a lot of hot sauce and it is consists of red paste which is full of gluten which I cannot eat. There are a few restaurants that will cater to my allergy problems and I go to them when out shopping. Home Plus has one restaurant where I can get a salad with chicken and peanuts and a cola. The restaurant is very nice and the whole cost is about $7.50 and there is no tipping here in Korea. The university has many cheap meals for the students but everyone of them has hot sauce and there is no chance of the sauce not being included as the price is $2.50. I can't just order a dish of rice and vegetables. The cafeteria is run on an assembly type model which is too bad for me but great for the students.

Well, I have started a record of my weight on my laptop that will be using stones and I will not convert it. I just want to see what works and what does not. I think there is a good chance that I will be down to my normal weight by the end of my first year here if that is how it goes. When I started this blog, I had no idea all that has occurred would happen. I guess no one know what will be around the corner even if it is as small as a scale that measures things in stones.

Seoul Weekend

It seems the English lessons with my special student are back on again. I went on the bus to Seoul and spent a very eventful Friday, Saturday and Sunday there. I even gave the English lessons so long promised. I did find out that my special student will be learning Japanese as well. He is smart enough to do this.

On Friday, the lady of the house where I am staying took me to a delightful park not far from her house where there was a small lake and boats. There were many people there in the evening. People were biking, hiking walking and using the exercise equipment that is free for all to use. Many people had their small dogs and all were on leashes. Many children were allowed to run free and I was bothered by how far they were allowed to go from their parents. I was told the children were safe, but I don't think I would have been so trusting.

On Saturday, I went to a flower festival for a flower that I am sure is called the Scotch Broom in Northern California. It is a flower that is cultivated for its rare oils in Korea. I looked at the pictures and it still looks the same and it certainly looked the same on the ground. I also heard a wonderful ccncert by some people from Equador. They played some traditional music and they were also some dancers although the leader of the group apologized in Spanish that the dancing resembled more of the North American dances. Still with the different instruments that they played very well, they were a smash at the festival. They played many kinds of flutes. I was very impressed and enchanted by the three.

Afterwards, we went to a traditional Korean restaurant and had dinner. Because I have some allergies, I make sure I stay away from certain food by not eating anything that is red. This may sound a bit silly but it does work. I still found plenty to eat. It was all so very good.

On Sunday, I was told we were going to some Korean Air Force Show. I was not dressed all that much and had no idea that my student was one of the special guests of the show. I met many people in my capacity as professor and English teacher of the student. I met the general of the Korean Air Force who was very delightful. I also met many other wonderful people. We had a cadet assigned to us who stayed with our group. It was a wonderful time and the general gave a few of us including me a special medalian. We had lunch in the mess hall and it was very good. I found plenty to eat.

By the time I was driven home, I was exhausted and slept about an hour and a half. I am to see my special student on Tuesday.

New Home

I am in my new apartment. If one was to compare this apartment to one in the USA it would be very small. It is one room, a laundry room and a bathroom. The rent is about $200 per month and it includes utilities. That is remarkable. However, the wireless Internet did not work out. I had to get cable and it cost about 40 dollars a month. I did not get a television cable as I don't have a set. I read the New York Times and the BBC for my news.

There are two plugs for the entire apartment. The modem for the Internet goes in one plug. I bought an extension cord and a converter for my lap top so I can have an English computer. Korea is full of these super apartment buildings and this is not one of them so my view from my one window is of trees and the sky and a mountain. Daejeon is in the mountains and is now just full of flowers.

My classes at the university are going very well. I did teach my special student last week, but the English classes that were scheduled for this weekend were cancelled which is normal. I don't worry about it. I walk to class every morning and so I don't worry about getting exercise. If I don't walk to class, I walk to the bus stop.

I have this big pad that I put on the floor and sleep on it. Sitting on the floor is very hard for me and I went shopping and found a small desk and office chair and when I get paid on Monday (hopefully)I will purchase them for about 140 dollars. The store will deliver it for free.

I found a wonderful restaurant downtown and had a wonderful lunch and the amount of lunch was so much I could take it home and have it for dinner. There does not seem to be any taxes and no tipping anywhere.

The apartment that I am at is very quiet and as I said flowers are everywhere. The landlords are always giving me food which is fresh fruit and rice cakes. Now, that I have my Sony Reader recharged, I have plenty of books to read. I can't watch any of my favorite programs on Hulu, or PBS as they won't broadcast outside of the USA. Darn. The library at the university has books in English as well.

Update

I am using someone's computer while I am in Seoul. A lot has happened since my last posting.

First, I want to set something straight. Someone said that there was no way that I saw dog in a supermarket although several people told me it was dog. So, I am making a retraction. Please, dog lovers. I was repeating what others told me since I do not speak Korean. Again, I got it from several sources, but there you are.

Second, I have a new apartment that is really nice with some very nice people across the street from the university where I teach. I also will have wireless Internet service along with a English laptop. I think I fried my MP3 player when I tried to load up my player with a Korean laptop.

Third, I have no idea what is happening with the special student since the mother changes from one moment to the other not only with me but with just about everyone. I am happy with my present situation so it is sad since I like the kid I worked with and we got along. It is a situation that is out of my control.

I have lost weight and am healthier than I have ever been before although I have a long way to go. What an adventure this life is getting to be. I am not alone in this quest right now and have plenty of help. I think I will finally get to know the real Korea. It is so beautiful. I met this wonderful family this weekend. It was great that I did not have to worry about whether or not Ihad a place to go back to. The apartment is mine and the owners live on the floor above me.
Sometimes a little rain must fall for there to be rainbows.

Recovery

My back pack was found with everything inside. My troubles continue. Everything is great except the mother of the special student that I teach. I got on her wrong side. Even the head of my department thinks I did nothing wrong. It's a shame, but it really makes such a great time a problem.

I am trying to find another place to stay, but I don't have a alien registration card although I am very close to getting one. I have hayfevor because everything is in bloom here. Normally, I don't have that much problem with pollen, but this is a new area with me. My English classes continue to do well. All of the students are wonderful.

Tragedy (of a sort)

When I got off from teaching my last class, I discovered I had to ride a crowded bus to another bus station and then to ride to Seoul, Korea. I lost my back pack in the trip. I should have been more mindful, but it was crowded and I was tired and exhausted. In the backpack was my Sony Reader and my journal and pens. My host imediately called the bus company and I have my fingers crossed. Luckily, I had decided against using a bag to transport my clothes and used a suitcase and put my library books in the suitcase. Everything was safely transported earlier to Seoul earlier from Daejeon that day.

When I weighed myself on the Mickey Mouse scale this morning that the host family has, I discovered that I lost another 3 k since last week. Since I ate some food late last night, I was surprised. That is about 6 lbs. I still can't believe I was convinced in the US that I could not lose weight.

I used to look forward to eating. It was a joy, but now I eat just to get substance. I like Korean food, but now I don't particularly eat to enjoy it but to get it over with. I never eat when I am not hungry. The Koreans eat more than I do and it is hard for them when I simply stop eating. They are a very small people and short. I don't know where they put it and must have high amounts of high metabolism. Of course, they eat very healthy too. I am beginning to see overweight people but it is not very common. Many people, especially women, tell me they are on diets and I look at their small bodies without an ounce of fat on them and wonder what the heck they are talking about. Are all women in all cultures convinced by commercials, men or something that they are fat? I am over-weight, but really the women who have announced that they are over weight are not.

They eat high amounts of fish and very little other kinds of meat. They eat rice at every meal which is great because I love it. I ate squid the other day and it wasn't bad. One thing they eat that I refuse to even consider and that is dog. I thought when my students told me this that it was a joke, but I saw it in a supermarket. I wondered why there were no dogs on the street.

There are some really niffy things here that I like. Everything I buy is quality merchandize and good and I probably could buy many of the things cheaper at home. There is a big difference. I have yet to see anything made in China. Everything I see is made in Korea. I have this feeling that if we did the same we would have more jobs although pay a bit more for things in the US. I think that would be a great exchange. We would have more money to buy things in stores if we had more people working making those things. Just a thought.

More changes

Well, there were changes; but the changes had nothing to do with me. Sometimes when we are alone there is the tendency to become paranoid. Nothing has changed in my employment. There is something going on in the family of my host and I have no idea what it is, but it has nothing to do with me.

I am going back to Seoul tonight and will be giving English lessons to my English student this weekend. He is a very special student and I want to continue with these lessons.

Changes

Things have changed. I have no idea why they have and no idea in what way they have changed. I think being in a different culture is like a bull being in a China shop or at least for me. I am sure I have broken some rules inadvertently. As for my students, I am sure things are fine between us and the administration of the university where I do most of my teaching seems to be just fine. It is the host family that arranged my stay that is the problem, if that is the word that can be used.

I mentioned at one point that I can't live in two cities at once because it is getting too much to travel back and forth in one week. I think I am too old to live from a suitcase. Still, I thought I was getting along with the families that I was living with. It is hard to know when you upset people and when you don't. At one point I declined a local food because I felt I might be allergic to it and I don't eat as much food as Koreans do. The host cook thought it meant that I did not like Korean food. It took the hard work of a translator to convince her that I love Korean food and that I have allergy problems with some food and that I don't eat after I am full.

I am sure I have pulled some mistakes on more than a few times. I was never meant for the diplomatic corps. I think I did something and am going to be taken to task for it today. I hope I won't be deported for it. Again, I am fine with my students, but who knows what I did with the host family.

I do enjoy Korea and my classes. I enjoy teaching English far more than I thought I would. I have been teaching myself the alphabet and the language. I would hate to give that up. I have learned if you don't use a language that you have learned you lose it.

I will write when I know what is happening or have more information. I owe some money to the host family in an effort to get along here and I have no idea how much. I asked my son help in getting an itemized amount since I have not been successful in this. When my son tried to find out, he discovered that the contract for bringing me out here is changing. They have been asking me to pay for things that I thought they would be paying for. Again, I don't know if this is what is upsetting them. My son doesn't know either. His wife, my daughter-in-law, speaks fluent Korean and is trying to speak to them by telephone. I will just have to be patient and find out what is happening.

Messages

I have received two messages and I am sorry to say I can't figure out how to answer them. I will say that my English classes are going well. Everyone at my university are trying so hard to make me feel welcomed. I have two classes and one special student. They are great.

I live in two cities which is hard right now. I also can't get paid because I don't have a bank account and I can't get a bank account because I don't have a resident alien card. I can't get a resident card because I could not complete the physical in order to get the resident card. I did that yesterday and all I am waiting for is the results of the blood work which I should pass.

Although I am running around, I feel great. I am losing weight. I am learning a new language and meeting new people. I am hoping to get paid soon. Things seem to be working out in the US regarding my house although my cat got out for one week and it was the one that was not fixed. I explained to my son that Mary Russell needs to be fixed right away now. Having kittens is not a possibility right now and I doubt if child support is a possibility(joke).

Getting to a computer that has Internet is not always easy. This university is on a green policy which means it is very cold inside the buildings and I have my gloves on and it is hard to type with them one.

Assessment

I am now in Korea at my new job teaching not only at one university but at two of them. I even got an early bonus so I can get some needed items and this laptop computer. I will be getting a cell phone and service and will pay for it when I get my first full paycheck next month.

The country is unbelievably beautiful and everyone is so friendly and nice; however with all of the previous exercise that I was getting and the cut down in my diet I find that what I am now experiencing is a huge change.

Koreans eat a lot. Everytime they sit down to talk with each other they have platefuls of food and lots of hot tea to drink. Everyone I have met have cars and they use them a lot so that it is bumper to bumper everywhere. However, this is a very big however, what they eat is very, very healthy. I have never seen as yet an over-weight person whether old, middle-age or young, not even pleasantly plump. When they are sitting and conversing they are eating plates of raw fruit. The world could learn a thing or two from the Koreans on how to eat well and stay healthy.

They may drive around a lot in their cars and trucks but they also walk quite a bit after they park their cars. Many buildings do not have elevators. When I see walking trails in parks, and I see them often, I see many people of all ages walking and biking on them. It is amazing how many hours everyone works too.

I have not realized how much I have stopped moving. I considered going to the store a major form of exercise. I had to assess the plans that I had made so that I could be healthier this summer because they were a pale imitation at what I am doing now. My legs hurt all of the time and not because I am excercising but because of the normal activities that everyone does here.

I am eating what everyone else is eating. This means plenty of rice which is great because I love it, raw vegetable or barely cooked, lots of fruit all day long, tea without sugar. The only thing that I am not endulging is the hot sauces that is part of the Korean diet, but hot spices have never been part of my life. I don't think it is possible for Koreans that I have met to understand that I cannot tolerate even the mildest form of hot sauce. For me, the frozen Mexican dinners that are in the frozen section of your supermarket in the US are too hot for me. As for half and half, I have given up finding it. Just having milk for my coffee is a treat. I brought instant coffee for my mornings and I don't know what I will do when that runs out for I don't know where the stores are yet. There is free coffee in the universities but no milk, just instant stuff.

When I was younger, I was far more active then I had become of late. I slowly slid into a lazy sort of life style that I had not noticed. I used to walk, take the bus and just do lots of things. Then I did a lot more snuggling in my reading chair and I watched television ever so often. Thatwas a mistake too. No one seems to do that here. The television stays off for the most part in the homes I have been in.

My first classes start this Monday. I have an office and eat free there and of course it is Korean. No one has a scale and no one is concerned with their weight. Big surprise! The larger sized foreigners have to buy their clothes in a special part of town and are called the European Size shops. They have special shops for the men too as the Koreans are not as tall or robust as Americans are either even if Americans are not over-weight. For instance, Foreign women are bigger in the hips than Koreans are. One woman who is not over-weight said she had trouble taking baths for the tubs are super small and I, myself, can attest to that.

When I started this blog, I had no idea I would be continuing this blog from another country. I also had no idea that I would be in such a stark change of diet and physical activities. There is no doubt these chances are for the best. Although I ache, I feel great.

Los Angeles

I took the Amtrak train to Los Angeles and it was great. I met some very interesting people and saw one dolphin and some seals in the ocean. It was also raining when we got into the mountains. It gave the mountains a very soft and dreamy look like a watercolar painting.

We went by this large men's prison and a line of prisoners just stood there and watched the train go by, hand and arms down by their sides without moving. The train track is higher than the prison so we could look down into the prison yard. It was very sad to me.

I am staying in Culver City and in a house high above the city. Because of recent rain storms, you can see the surrounding mountains and they are covered with snow. It is quite beautiful.

Today as a treat, we went to Los Angeles Zoo and saw some animals in cages and a very nice chimpanese cage. Then we went to Denny's for lunch, but someone from India who could not read English opened the exit door and the alarm went off and it got very cold in there. It was cold in LA as it is. Still, we all had a nice time. There was some Korean students with us.

Leaving tonight

I will be leaving tonight for Los Angeles for a week while I get my passport stamped with a VISA for my new job. While there, I will be working with some students who are in L.A. and then leave for Korea. The semester has already begun, but it could not be helped.

I have food allergies or intolerances and it will not be easy eating there. I suspect I will be eating a very simple diet of rice without any sauces of any kind. I cannot eat soy sauce nor the red paste they have. I also can't tolerate the MSG they have in Korea as it is based on wheat as it is in Canada. I have been doing some research. As far as I can see, I will be going basically vegetarian with raw vegetables and fruits and plenty of rice. The advice that I got from the Internet is not to trust the list of ingredients on food that I purchase as Korea is not very advanced in that area as yet.

The Koreans are big on hiking and walking and that is very healthy for me so I will be going along with that. I am taking walking shoes and my pair of hiking boots that I never used. I got them for snow that I never used them. I never use heels anymore and I won't. From my reading on the Internet, the Koreans are very conservative in dress which is fine. I am taking a few pairs of jeans and jeans skirts. I am taking skirts mostly since they all have ties at the waist and can be easily adjusted.

The wait is over

The wait is finally over. I got the job for sure and will be teaching at a national university in Korea at a rate that is surprisingly good. Anyone here in the United States would be happy with such a deal as this and they asked me and not the other way around. What an astonishing turn of events. I will be in the Los Angeles area for a while getting my Visa taken care of and will leave in a few days for Korea. I intend to continue my blogging.

My initial contract says six months. We will just have to wait and see what will happen. I am not taking very much and trying to get a Kindle so that I don't have to buy books which will be very heavy to carry. I can't do without my books. I will be getting some sort of laptop when I am there.

Just waiting and wondering

I am still in an holding pattern although I was hoping that I would hear something today. Maybe, I will hear something tomorrow. I have been ill, somewhat, and it all is related to stress. I am getting better about it though. I don't have this waiting game beat though. It still makes plenty nervous.

Current world

When I started this blog, I wanted to get ready to do something this summer and it has been considerably earlier that I have been doing things that are very different and exciting. I have not been writing about it as it is still happening. I have been offered a position as a visiting professor at a national university with an excellent reputation. I have submitted all of the necessary information and credentials and am awaiting final clearance. It is in another country. My family is in favor of the chance of working with some fine students. Right now I am just waiting. I will still need to get a VISA and will after the university gives me the necessary number and then I will fly down to Los Angeles to the consulate there. I have a relative there that I will stay with. Then I will fly out of there to the university. They are providing me a place to stay.

A few years ago, I had trouble getting out of the house. Now I am considering living in another country for at least one semester if not longer. There is no guarantee that I am going. My agent says I have a 95 percent chance of going. The waiting is killing me. I will be teaching English full time.

I am more active than I have been and continue getting ready as if I am going. I ordered a new pair of glasses today. If I don't go, I will be doing things a bit different around my house which is good. All I can do right now is wait.

New Coffee Machine

While I was on a trip, I encountered a sale where there was a 50 percent off on Keurig coffee machines. I have wanted one for a long time, but the price seemed a bit high. They make coffee, tea, hot chocolate, one cup at a time (k cups). I bought one and sent it to my house via UPS.

Now, when I want a cup of coffee, decaffeinated or not, tea or whatever I can brew one in a matter of minutes instead of making a pot of coffee or a pot of tea. It is so easy. When I get hungry I fix myself a cup of coffee or whatever in a minute skipping any food. A friend gave me some boxes of coffee for the machine since she did not drink caffeinated coffee and I found a source for this coffe at Bed, Breakfast and Beyond for a very nice price with plenty of selection.

Food and Exercise List from Jan 18 to Jan 24 2010

Monday, Jan 18
AM: coffee with half and half, two pieces of bread, one egg
PM: coffee with half and half, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, two eggs, one sausage, one piece of bread, one cup of hot chocolate, 1/2 pill
After 6pm: Cheetos, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill

Tuesday, Jan 19
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana
PM: corn tortillas with cheese, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill
After 6pm: hot chocolate, decaffeinated coffee with half and half

Wednesday, Jan 20
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, corn tortillas with cheese,
PM: 3 eggs, one piece of toast, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
After 6pm: 1/2 pill

Thursday, Jan 21
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, corn tortillas with cheese
PM: Corn tortillas with cheese, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
After 6PM: 1/2 pill

Traveling

I have been traveling and not available to enter any of my blogs. I am back and will start again tomorrow.

Food and Exercise List from Jan3 to Jan 9, 2010

Sunday, Jan 3
AM: coffee with half and half, Vivianna with whipped cream, 1/2 pill
PM: one banana, prime rib, banana, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
After 6pm: 2 ice cream snacks, 2 bananas, 1/2 pill
exercise: walking

Monday, Jan 4
AM: coffee with half and half, Vivianna with whipped cream
PM: grits, 2eggs scrambled, bacon, some french fries, iced tea tea, bacon
After 6pm: orange juice, one pill

Tuesday, Jan 5
AM: coffee with half and half, orange juice, banana, 1/2 pill
PM: steak, tomato soup, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
After 6pm: banana, 4 ice cream snacks

Wednesday, Jan 6
AM: coffee with half and half

Food and Exercise List from Dec 22 to 27,2009

Tuesday, Dec 22
AM: banana, bacon, decaffeinated coffee and half and half, 1/2 pill
PM: one small bowl of cold rice cereal with evaporated milk, coffee with half and half, orange juice, 2 small containers of yogurt
after 6PM: 3 waffles with butter, one banana, 1/2 pill
Exercise: housework

Wednesday, Dec 23
AM: 3 waffles with butter, coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill,
PM: one steak and onions, decaffeinated coffee and half and half
After 6PM: 2 yogurt cups, one banana, some cashews
Exercise: housework

Thursday, Dec 24
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, some mandarian oranges, 1/2 pill
PM: chicken cashew salad, chocolate milk, waffles with butter and preserves
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill

Friday, Dec 25
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, one glass of orange juice, 1/2 pill, bacon
PM: 2 sausage patties, 3 waffles with butter, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, bacon
After 6PM: hot chocolate with half and half

Saturday, Dec 26
AM:coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill, one banana, sausage and eggs, 1/2 pill
PM: creme de breve hot beverage, steak
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half

Sunday, Dec 27
AM: coffee with half and half, 3 waffles and berry preserves
PM: sausage and cheese sandwich, cheese sandwich, diet cola (decaffeinated)
After 6PM:1/2 pill

Sick

I am suspending my blogs for now as I am sick with something. Some relatives thought I had the gout, but my doctor did not think so. No one else is sick so I have no idea what it is, but I am in bed and reading.

Shadows

I wrote earlier that I have been having trouble with being depressed. I have always had trouble with depression, but I have never took medication for it because it is not clinical depression. I can usually write myself out of it. Sometimes, I can even walk myself out of it. This time, it was particularly bad as I felt it very deeply. It felt like a big iron door was crushing down on me, smashing the breath out of my lungs, pressing the life out of my heart and flooding my being with the same dank, black foul river that flowed in me when I was a young teenager.

It was particularly bad yesterday and then I drank what I thought was orange juice not checking the ingredients and discovered it was not pure but doctored. It was Tropicana, a brand that I had trusted before. I got so sick. I ended up eating waffles which seemed to stop some of the really bad symptoms. I had not counted on eating waffles. That seemed to make me feel even worse.

I kept writing in my journal and remembered some of the things that ran in my mind. I felt angry over things that happened long ago. I felt helpless over the things that were happening now. I felt lost in a bauble of time in my past. I was back in time, over 40 years ago, reliving things that happened so long ago that the participants were surely dead or close to it. I felt a measure of relief as I often do when I write in my journal.

I took out the book, "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry: How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path" (Bantam: 2000) by Jack Kornfield(I really recommend this author) and then I remembered. Every time, I had a problem no matter what it was whether it was over-eating, depression, heart break, whatever the answer was always the same. I needed to get in the moment. I needed to be mindful. I have no idea why I forget this. Maybe my ego thinks it has the answers and tries to find new and better answers which of course it never does.

This morning I woke up feeling much better. I took out the Kornfield book again where I had left off. I knew for sure it was my ego that thought it knew better. In the book, there is a lama that comes back from India and Tibet with all those wonderful experiences and then falls back into his old habits and feels awful about it. Kornfield writes: "The ability to make wise transitions is the ability to keep a beginner's mind." As in everything, change is not the enemy. I need to ask the heart to be present and trust it at deeper and deeper levels. I remember recently seeing some steps at a park and I had a feeling I was in for a transition and I thought this was going to be a snap. Hah!

According to Kornfield, the integration of spiritual experience is a process of many years. I just started my quest here and this is really only a continuation of other earlier experiences that have been going on for years and years before.

It is also a matter of letting go. I was in the past because I have not let go. I need to grieve and even get angry and then let go. I need to feel those baubles of emotion and then let them float away. I don't seem to want to do that.

Kornfield writes:

"The well we fall into can be created by clinging to our experience and our spiritual ideals or by holding inflated ideas about our teachers, our paths. The well can be the unfinished business of our psychological and emotional life-an unwillingness to acknowledge our own shadow, to include the human needs, the pain, and the darkness that we carry, to see that we always have, one foot in the dark. As bright as it is, the universe also needs us to open to its other side." page 128

I am listening to Rachmaninoff Symphony No. 2 in E Minor Op. 27 which to me is a combination of light and shadow. I have a tendency to avoid the shadow which, of course, many people do. I am also unwilling to acknowledge my own shadows, my own pain and it is important to express the shadow. Rachmaninoff does this in his music which is why his music is so intense and great. The creative impulse is very important to me. I can feel and hear it in Rachmaninoff. I think it is important to have it in our lives and in our arts and music as well. We are lopsided or unbalanced when we don't.

I don't want to be as depressed as I have been the last few days, but I know it is necessary. The last regular job that I had was an awful one. I lost something during that experience. I was able to leave under good circumstances, but I think I never expressed my anger at some of the people who worked there. That does not mean I will go there and tell them off. No, I will not do that. I just have to find a way to feel my rage and let it go. The same as I will have to feel my anger and grief at a very dysfunctional childhood and then let it go. That is the healthy thing to do, so I can live in the moment and be mindful.

Food and Exercise for Dec 7 through Dec 13, 2009

Monday, Dec 7, 2009
AM: coffee with half and half, one glass of modified orange juice (never again. I did not know it was modified. It made me very ill. ), one banana, one small container of digestive yogurt peach
PM: 3 waffles with butter, 3 sausages, 2 bananas
After 6PM: one bowl of cold rice cerial with half and half, 1/2 pill

Tuesday, Dec 8, 2009
AM: 1/2 pill, one banana, one tangerine, coffee with half and half
PM: 1 steak, 1 small onion, green beans, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
exercise: walking

Wednesday, Dec 9, 2009
AM: coffee and half and half, one banana, one tangerine, one container of yogurt
PM: 3-egg omelet with sausage and tomato sauce, some cheese, iced tea with non-sugar sweetener, one large coffee with half and half, one Vivanno
After 6PM: 3 waffles with butter, 1 pill
exercise: walking


Thursday, Dec 10, 2009
AM: one bowl of cold rice cereal with half and half
PM: one serving macaroni and cheese, 1/2 pill,
After 6pm: 3 waffles with butter

Friday, Dec 11, 2009
AM: one banana, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill
PM: one sausage and cheese sandwich,
After 6PM: cheese cake, coffee with half and half, sausage and cheese sandwich, 1/2 pill

Saturday, Dec 12, 2009
AM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, one banana, two small containers of yogurt,
PM: one sausage and cheese sandwich, 1/2 sandwich

sick