Thursday, July 14, 2011

Everything Changes

The Buddha when asked to condense his philosophy said that it would easily fit into the sentence: everything changes. Being a brave soul or one who likes to pretend I am one I put that as one of my favorite quotes or at least until something happens in my life that changes my entire life. Then I don't like it one bit. I failed my CT scan at the Veterans' Administration Hospital. Oh shit.

It is only the first of steps to determine what is happening in my body that is supposed to be my best friend. We all know that story. We have all had experiences in which our body does things each of us would rather it didn't. I have had cancer over the years on numerous occasions starting in 1970. I don't know the exact cause. I will probably never know, but I have beaten it in the past and I am hopeful I will if I have it again beat it again. I don't know for sure. Several years ago, I beat ovarian cancer and that is a big one for women. That is when I found out how dangerous that disease is for women. Up to then I had no idea. Now, it is my lungs. I don't ever smoke but I have smoked passively in the past although I have tried not to.

I look out the window of my new apartment and the joy that I have been feeling is suddenly muted. I finally got my apartment the way I wanted it and now this. I read the news everyday. I read of the the bad turn of events that happen to other people without much reaction at times and now it is looking back at me. Of course, it really doesn't make any difference whether I feel as if I connect to the people with bad luck or not; but it does make some connect to me now. I might be one of those people now. Suddenly, the stories glare back from the newspaper and I realize that I have been isolating myself.

I have made some changes in my life. I have dropped one art class because I signed up for too much. One of my grandsons was coming to visit me this month and I had to ask him not to come because if I have to have surgery he would be alone. That would not be good. All of my well laid plans are now up in the air so to speak. Everything changes. I am suddenly not so brave. I would rather that things not change, but they have.

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