Honesty

I was reading about enthusiasm on The Tiny Buddha and enjoyed it tremendously. I wrote a response that I have always had a lot of enthusiasms and been criticized for it through the years. I have learned not to be to enthusiastic in the morning, for example, before people have their first cup of coffee or to leave my dancing shoes in the closet if people around me are moping around. Again, I just assumed that there was something wrong about me that I would get so many people mad at me for just feeling good and bouncing around like Tigger in Winnie the Pooh.

The time I spent in Korea taught me that there is nothing wrong with me and in all honestly there is nothing wrong with those who criticized me. The problem as I see it was that I accepted their complaints about me as valid. Not so, not by a long shot. I am lucky. A friend of mine said I probably feel good because I have two spleens which is true. Whatever the reason, even when I am feeling down, I never feel deep down in the basement, below the earth, gray-black down. Sure, I get depressed and can write myself out of it. I never take medication. I don't have to. I have other problems, but I feel good most of the time.

Years ago, I had some stomach cramps that just would not stop, so I was given medication that made me feel as if I was crawling on the ground. My husband at the time said that I was living the life most of the rest of the earth was feeling. I threw the meds away and never looked back. I found out later that I had Celiac Disease. I stopped eating gluten and no longer have the stomach cramps.

I am not saying that all of us should have enthusiasms. I am just saying that we should not accept criticisms of other people. Now, when people make complaints about me in some way, I consider the source and am more objective about the content of the statement. One time, a friend complained that I drank too much coffee; but I love coffee and it keeps me from eating food. I would rather drink a cup of coffee any day than eat food which puts the pounds on me easily. I am drinking coffee as I write this. I looked up the studies of the effects of coffee and found nothing to justify lessening my intake. He said I should drink coffee at such places as Burger King instead of paying high prices at Starbucks. I rarely buy coffee at Starbucks anymore since I got my Keurig coffee maker. Now when he talks about coffee, I turn off. I love my friend but he has a blind spot regarding coffee. The same goes for saccharine. He was convinced it was horrendous for one's health. Current studies show it is not. I just say nothing but I use the product. He is enthusiastic about his prejudices. I don't have to accept his, but I don't "correct" his either.

Regret

Someone told me that the worse thing that you could do to yourself is to regret things you did and things you did not do. When I lived in Korea, I had plenty of time to do meditation and there were volumes of things I regretted in my life. Well, since I did not have books to read, movies to watch, people to talk with and after a while I had time to spare I started to meditate on those huge lists of things not done and things I wasted doing for so many years. I went into it intending to learn to live with my own actions. I came out of it with an astonishing discovery. I did not waste any of my time.

Growing up, I had plenty of people who were willing to tell me what I was doing wrong. My mother said I dreamed too much. Another relative said I wanted too much. Still others said I ate too much. There were no shortage of people who told me I was doing a whole host of things too much. It's funny but few if any people ever told me what I was doing right and in fact I have no memory of anyone telling me that I did this or that right. (I made sure I told my children and students what they were doing right not only once but many times.)

For everything that I was doing too much, I discovered by doing different forms of meditation there were some important and positive results that came out of it that now plays an important part in my life. For instance, I daydream too much was one complaint. What came out of it was the ability to put a credible story together with strong characterization and plot. I am a better writer thanks to that activity. I never run out of plots. I always just sit down and start to write and the story unfolds before my eyes. I get writer's block but not because I don't have a story to tell.

No one went beyond high school in my immediate family except me. I was told I wanted too much. I pushed myself to get through high school after quitting and then obtained several degrees and then retired with four pensions. I fell down but I always picked myself up because I wanted to be my own person and not have someone support me. I was able to retire early on my own resources. Of course, I lived during a time when this was possible, but I entered the work force in 1962 and that wasn't easy. I wasn't from a family that helped or supported me through college. I had to do it myself. I wasn't even brilliant. It sounds like I am bragging, but I am not. I have the scars to prove it.

I ate too much because I was overweight. I did not know that I had health issues that created my overweight. The overweight helped me achieve my goals because I could not depend on my looks or charms. I had to do it the hard way. I also could not marry success either which was not what I wanted to do.

So all of the things that I thought I regretted were lucky breaks for me. Even the dysfunctional family background gave me the courage to do things on my own and not depend on family and inherited wealth to give me what I wanted out of life. I think if we listen to what people tell us are the negative things about us, we are missing the good things about our lives because what I am writing here are some of the same things in other people's lives.

I know a man who was a Olympic medal winning gymnast who had a successful business who suffered a major stroke after he left his wife and five kids for a younger woman. She left him when he could not do the things he used to do and had to have help just moving around. His kids eventually forgave him for leaving their mother who found a new life living on her own. He began life as a Buddhist and was happier. He felt so unhappy for his huge mistake and carried it around him on his back especially since he had one child with the woman who left him until he realized that it was lucky for him that the stroke happened for he was happier and closer to his children including the one who came to live with him as her mother gave her up too. He told me he had to log lots of hours in meditation until he realized how lucky he was.

He still can't run the marathons he used to or do the things he did before the stroke, but if he concentrated on that instead of the other things that came into this life he would still be bitter and unhappy. He is much happier and is a staff writer for a Buddhist magazine for half the money. His first wife took half the business in the settlement and is happy running it. He lost his half when he had his stroke.

Is my life totally happy? No, I came home to find out my ex-husband stripped my house clean instead of remodeling it. I have a pile of trash in my yard that I have to pay to get rid of. I am spending my savings just replacing the stuff he took to his home or threw away. Yet, I am happier and more content. Material goods are not as important as the self. I think my kids are better off when I was gone and my son who lives in my house has a new partner and has made some improvements in his financial situation. I am not wasting my time regretting things that are not anything that I should regret. We make our choices and most of the time, we do get it right.

Imperfection

I was reading today's selection from "The Tiny Buddha" and it was about "Tiny Flaws". It was a rather optimistic piece about each of us wanting to improve ourselves which is true, but that there is so much that is good and great about ourselves that we have a lot less to change than we think. I really like that.

One of the things I learned in Korea was that the huge inventory that I kept in my head of all of my mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. They were necessary lessons I needed to learn on the way of being who I am today. It was an amazing discovery. I think it is part of our Christian Heritage (no offense to Christian readers) that each of us are taught how imperfect each of us are. It was a wonderful revelation to learn that we are not centers of sin and mistakes. We do things right. I did things right and that even the egotistical stages that I went through were necessary so that I could learn what I needed to learn to be me.

Each of the qualities that we have, we learned from lessons in life. That does not mean we don't change from experiencing those events or going through those interactions from people; but it does mean we don't have to cringe from the ugliness of some sort of sin. It is the beauty of life that washes over us each and every day. Each of us may have universals, but we are also unique. That is the beauty of this life. That is the miracle of existence.

There is a quote on the site of "The Little Buddha": "The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Imperfection for me was putting all sorts of rules on myself because I did not think very much of my self-worth. I now know it is not true. There is nothing wrong with me and I have lots of self-worth and don't need the levels of self-imposed perfection. I am even going to mix my metaphors here. The cage door of my soul is open as well as my heart and I am walking out. If I was to look at the door of the cage I would have seen that there never was a lock there in the first place.

Eating healthy

Since coming home to Redding, it has been a struggle to eat a healthy diet. In Korea, it was easy. I had a landlady who had vegetables and fruits for her boarders and passed them out to everyone and I went out often to Home Plus where I drank coffee and ate healthy even in fast food restaurants. Here, it is not so easy.

I ate food I should not have eaten. I ate chips and that is not good. I drank coffee with milk and that is not so bad. I felt bad. My body was not functioning as well as it should. I went into the kitchen and got out the crock pot that got absorbed by my son's family and asked if I could borrow it for the rest of the week. They said it was fine since they are eating their favorite holiday food, pizza. The first thing I ate was Southwest Chili and it was not only healthy but so easy to make.

It had 2 cans of black beans, 2 cans of chili beans, 1 can of corn, one can of chopped tomatoes, one green pepper, one large onion and browned ground turkey and chili powder. Put the everything in a crock pot and turn it on for four hours on high or six hours on low. I got all of the canned stuff organic on sale and even bought the onion and green pepper organic. It was absolutely delicious and cheap to make. I put a little garlic in it. My body said thank you in the only way a body does, it felt satisfied.

I am also back at work here in my room. I am keeping my own hours and I finally know how to operate my new computer and can sit in bed with the lap top while the small heater warms up my room. The sound system even sounds great. I have been listening to music from this laptop while in Korea. I am going to buy some speakers from my grandson whenever he remembers to bring them over.

It is amazing when one is in control of one's life how enjoyable it can be. Controlling what one puts in the stomach is great and it makes the body feel good.

Rain again

I have been back for a week from Korea, and it has been raining steadily for a week. It rained all of the way up when I drove from Los Angeles to Northern California. I am also listening to the wind as it moves the trees and everything out there next to my bedroom window. In my ignorance, I had planned on taking long walks to keep up with my exercise that I did in Korea. Now, I park my car in the outer reaches of parking lots so I can walk to the doors of the stores and businesses I have to visit.

I was thinking about joining the Mall Walkers after the New Year since the Mall is covered. I can just walk round and round looking at the stores which are closed early in the morning. Normally, I don't shop in the mall. There are no stores there that I patronize. Normally, I would be thinking about walking the Sacramento River Trail but not in this weather. There are a few things that happen around here that involve walking such as history walks, but again the weather is not conducive to it.

As for food, I will be getting a new crock pot since my old one has been absorbed into my son's family. It was the biggest they make anyhow and far too big for my needs. I like making soup during the winter months. I don't think I am eating balanced meals. I am planning on doing that at the first of the month. I am going to stock up on some supplies too. I noticed a store that I normally don't go to has some good prices on evaporated milk. I will stock up on cans of evaporated milk so I don't have to worry about keeping an eye on the milk's expiration dates. I will buy veggies and fruit and whatever for my soup as I go along. I might buy some fruit. I had gotten out of the practice of buying bananas since the ones in Korea get little black flies which filled my apartment. Someone told me that the US Customs spray the bananas coming into this country for that, but Korea does not.

If things work out with the crock pot, I might extend the use of it into Spring and Summer. Once I have something worked out, I don't like spending any amount of time in the kitchen especially since I have to share a kitchen with my son's family. There doesn't seem to be any problems in that area, but I want to work out a system in which I spend as little time as possible there and still plan and cook healthy meals for myself. It is the exercise plans that is a worry especially with all of this rain.

I am reading a book by Malcolm Gladwell entitled "What the Dog Saw" which is very good. The point of the book is that one has to step "out of the box" so to speak and see something from another point of view such as the perspective of the dog hence the title. I really think there is a answer to my problem exercise. I just have to give it more thought.

It still great to be home.

Detachments Again

It was so easy to write about detaching from one's grown up children but another thing entirely doing it. Too bad, one cannot buy special glue for the mouth that when applied certain things or subjects cannot be said. I am trying, and I guess that it all I can hope for. Of course, the grown up children are already in denial for any change they see in me. I remember that saying of Mark Twain that never gets worn down: "Denial is not a river in Egypt." The saying is for me not my children.

Life continues to be great although the rain continues to fall here in the North State of California. The last time I remembered this much rain is when I moved here in 1998 or so. I could not drive to Oregon to visit relatives as much as I wanted to because of the snow in the mountains. Then the drought came and I could drive as much as I wanted to without worry about snow storms. Those relatives are now gone to better places and I miss them terribly. I guess it was good that I was able to visit them.

I did some last minute shopping for grandchildren and parked at the end of the parking lots so I could walk since I was driving. I have a new car now since the last one has also gone to a better place and is about two inches tall.

I am going to try and drive up to a favorite lake today since I have been able to get some needed things done. Everyone is shopping and not visiting the DMV or Veterans Administration Clinic. I was able to get a flu shot. There is a lot of magic in the world, but there are a lot of people hurting. I try to remember them too and drop some money in.

Detachments

I am a senior citizens with middle-aged children. While I was running around yesterday trying to get some of my personal business done such as changing my address from that of my son in Los Angeles to my current address here in Northern California and Christmas shopping for my grandchildren, I made a startling discovery. Part of being healthier for seniors is letting go of our grown-up children and letting them live their own lives. You would think that was a given, but for me it wasn't. It is a two-way street. They don't often want to give up their parents either as mine don't. It is healthier for both generations to do so.

By letting them go, I mean not letting them know what we think of their choices in life. I see them making mistakes, and I just have to put the magic glue on my lips and say nothing. They have to live their lives without input from the older generation. My mother knew better than to tell me what I was doing wrong for if she did, I would not speak to her. My children sigh and complain but they rebel instead of just picking up their marbles and leaving as I did. Rebelling is kicking up their feet and doing passive aggressive things as indicating that you don't know what you are doing or that they are right and you are wrong as teenagers used to do. They are middle-aged adults. They have children of their own. And me? I need to keep my mouth closed.

It is healthier for me to do it because I have my life to live. My grown up children keep getting into it. They need to see me as not able to do it although I am perfectly able to take care of myself at this time. Maybe I won't be later, but I am alright now. My doctor and I will make those decisions not them. My doctor thinks I am just fine. I survived in Korea alone and did it well. My mother lived her whole life on her own until she was 86 years old. She died while undergoing surgery to repair a knee. Yesterday, I made another appointment for another check-up and got my flu shot. I can take care of myself, at least for now.

Letting go of our children does not mean not loving them anymore. Far from it. It means loving them in a more unselfish way. It means being more confident that we can live alone and still find enjoyable lives as seniors and that those wonderful little children that used to cling onto our hands when we crossed the street are full fledged adults and have their own children to care for now. If things progress in a natural way, we will be leaving much sooner than they will, anyway, and they will have to get used to it anyhow.

Home

One of the concerns upon returning home was that I would revert back to the way I was before I left for Korea in March of this year. I did not want to do this as I had changed for the better. I eat far less than I used to. I exercise for more than I used to, and I am a regular writer now. Now, that I am home, finally, I can see that I can't change. I have discovered that reverting is not possible. I have become the person I wanted to become when I started my quest to be healthier both mentally and physically.

I have read somewhere that when you make adjustments, transform yourself, the people around you often feel puzzled by it or even feel left out of your life to some degree. It is true. Some relatives are even angered by the revisions, and I am sorry for it. I am not going to go back to the person I was before. It took a while for me to understand that part. I was faced with some of my family's resentment, and it astonished me. It was only a few people though. I like my new life. I am not going back even if I could.

I am getting used to the modifications in my house. They were not completed. My house was gutted and unfortunately all of it was put in a pile in my yard. I am arranging that it be towed away as soon as possible. Hopefully, it will be taken away this week. The problem with this stuff is it encourages critters and this must be avoided. I am sure this will be done soon.

Right now, I am trying to learn my new computer and I have not done so yet. I am using my laptop right now. Today, I have plans on going to the post office to change my address since I could not do it over the Internet for some reason. I hate doing it because it is the Christmas Season, but it can't be helped. I will also go to my auto insurance company to ask for a refund since I have been paying insurance for a car I did not have. I will be going to lunch with one of my grandsons at a buffet that has a special price at 1pm. Oh, the benefits of being a senior citizen.

Again, these developments were totally unexpected. I am sure there are more to come.

Getting closer

I am still on the road although I am closer to home. I will be starting the last leg, so to speak, of my trip tomorrow. I will be driving by car. You will recognize me by my stripes. So far, I went to a Barnes and Noble Bookstore, had my hair cut and ate an omelet.

California

I have landed in California and it feels so good to be here. The trip went faster and better than expected. So many people were kind and helpful.

There were some unexpected problems when I got home. First Bank of America are split into two banks and I had no idea. Northern California Bank of America and the Southern California Bank are two different bank so I could not get a replacement of my Visa Bank Card. Bummer. However, I talked to a bank manager and found a solution. Who would have thought this was a problem?

Then I found out that the same exists for my car insurance. My son bought me a new car since the old one was driven to a junk yard since it failed the smog test. It did not seem worth it to fix it. To bad because it was a spunky car and drove well. The new car is much newer and very nice. I had to cancel my insurance with the northern half of the insurance company and open a new account with the southern one since I am driving my car home to my home in Northern California.

I am drinking brewed coffee with milk and that was rare in Korea. I am enjoying it along with the Los Angeles Times which I bought today. It is so good to hold one in my hands.

Letter to the Editor

I wrote a Letter to the Editor to The Redding Record Searchlight Newspaper and emailed it in. The newspaper printed it on December 5, 2010. I did not think they would since I could not give them a working phone number but gave them one of my son's telephone number since the one I use in Korea has an extra number and it won't fit the space allotted for phone numbers.

It was in response to a plea from President Obama who asked everyone to write a letter to the Editor to their local newspaper advocating the changing of the policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military. It has been used to discharge soldiers who were serving well and has caused untold heartache among our troops. They were discharged because of who they are.

I am a heterosexual American citizen who is also a veteran of the U.S. Army and I served during the Viet Nam War. I knew of many soldiers during that war who served well but were afraid of being found out that they were gay. It is time that this policy which was initially put into place as a stop gap measure until the USA was ready to accept openly serving Americans of all sexual orientations. I think the time is here now.

Normally, I don't get too political on these Blogs, but civil rights of all human beings is something that all of us in this world ought to care about. In the US, there is the Bill of Rights that give all people the essential right to be treated equal although different groups had to fight for that right. At least it is possible. In some countries, it is not possible.

They are debating this in the American Senate now. The American House of Representatives have passed it already. If it isn't passed during the Lame Duck Senate, it might not be passed for a long time. That would really be very sad.

If you are not in the United States, please be aware that sexual orientation is not a choice. I could no longer think of changing my orientation than you can whatever it is. Each human being as the right to exist as they really are. In some countries, the punishment of being gay is death or imprisonment. Let's hope this changes someday. It will not in my lifetime. I know that, but I can say it out there in cyberspace. I will not be arrested here in Korea.

Nightmare

I was getting off the bus here in Korea at the International Airport and was getting ready to call the hotel where I will be staying in the night before my flight, and I noticed that my laptop that is supposed to be hanging off my shoulder is not there. I look back at the bus I was on and it is pulling away. I start to yell but it is too late. "My book is in that computer", I say to myself.

Then I start to think when I last had the notebook computer. I wonder if I left it in my apartment in Daejeon. Then I start to think that I have not done my final packing yet. I breathed a sigh of relief. This is a bad dream. Then I wake up. I look around and I am in my Daejeon apartment.

I am getting nervous. I would not be so nervous except I am in a country where I don't speak the language. That makes me nervous. The most important possession that I have is this notebook computer because it has the book that I have been working on. I remember the story how Ernest Hemingway left the only copy of a book he wrote in a taxi cab and never saw it again. Well, those things happen.

A friend came by yesterday and I gave her the books that I am not taking with me. I also gave her my printer. I wanted those two items to find a good home and they did. I think having them gone from my apartment created the nightmare that I had last night. I also gave her my umbrellas that I used to cross the street to the university. I still have one that I carry around in my book bag.

It is getting close to when I leave, and I am getting nervous.

Cycle of Anger

It has become apparent to me that I harbor great reservoirs of anger from my past and that it interferes with my daily life. Because I am more or less by myself here in Korea in that I have no one talk with at great length about anything except professional concerns and because I don't want to labor relatively new friends about old issues from my past, I have been journaling. This has been successful in uncovering the reasons I am so angry at so many people because I was raised in anger from a dysfunctional family and a dysfunctional world.

I don't think my situation is unique and many people have this problem and I have written about this before. I find it astonishing that I would be angry at people who were mean and vicious to me many years ago. Some would say, get over it. That is my intention. In order to detach from something that had such an effect on me, and I know this sort of thing had effected others, you have to get it in the open because it is still happening today but to another group of people.

I was raised in a government housing project, Linda Vista, located in the San Diego area. I was born in 1945 and moved there when I was just four years of age. I had a older sister and and a younger brother. Our mother was from Harbin, Manchuria which belonged at the time to Russia. She came to the United States and met and married my father was was a "Okie".

It was during the time we moved to Linda Vista, that Senator Joseph McCarthy started his televised hearings. It was his mission to ferret out the communists from different parts of the United States. It was a witch hunt. Because my mother came here as an adult, she still had a strong accent and was easily identified as a Russian-American. It was pure hell during those hearings for many people including us. Parents of the kids we played with called us names such as commie and told us to tell my mother to go back to Russia. I still can see their twisted and ugly faces. It has been so many years ago. They threw paint at our house and fence and dragged our fence down. We moved to another part of the project to get away from the worst of them.

In school, the kids would taunt me with the same names that their parents used. I would get hit with boards, rocks and so forth. No one came to my aid although it must be said some teachers tried to talk to the students about what they were doing. I never retaliated. I just hid the best way I could. I was getting beaten at home as well.

Thank goodness, that awful time ended with such brave Americans as Edward R. Murrow who finally gave an expose of the harm McCarthy was doing. People began to see what McCarthy was really doing. None of those people ever apologized to my mother and to our family, and the damage was done.

When I hear what is happening to Arab Americans or those who are Muslim in America, I cringe with my own memories. I could hide better than many can since I looked so much like the others in Linda Vista. If I was required to wear a headscarf, it would be impossible to blend into the population.

Anger stays for a long time with people. It is the end of 2010 and I can still see clearly the people who were so hateful and prejudicial toward my sister, brother and myself. None of us ever forgot those awful things that were done to us or the fear it generated in my mother who was just trying to get along in a new country away from where she was raised. To the day she died, she was always afraid to complain or make any complaint against anyone who treated her badly. She was afraid of the anger that was shown to her as a new citizen of this country all because she was Russian by birth. It is ironic that my mother was in Harbin because her family were running from the Communist troops.

Those people now who shout and say such angry things are creating angry cycles within those children who are watching as I did from the sidelines. That anger that they are generating will long outlive them and will be cycling long after they are in the ground. I am sure many of the people who showed me such anger are long dead. Certainly my parents are dead and even my brother.

I am going to try and stop the anger with me, but I have spread so much myself already. Some I have given my children and grandchildren. I have done what I said I would not do. I have acted out my anger on innocent people, those who had nothing to do with the hateful and spiteful McCarthy who lies decaying in his own grave. I have tried to make up for it and that is different than was done with me. I will write posts like this one with the hope that maybe someone will read this and stop that angry outburst and research where the anger is coming from and detach from it so it would stop with them. I am hopeful.

One week away

I am about one week away from leaving Korea. Sometimes when I think about it, I get so excited I can hardly sit still. If I think about it at night, I can't sleep. I am slowly cleaning up my apartment and packing.

Today, I closed my bank account and left enough money to pay the Internet provider for December. I talked with the landlady with an interpreter, a manager from the corporation next door. It was cold and he was shaking. I wanted to make sure they inspected my apartment and returned my portion of the deposit back. I will clean the place up. I also have a friend coming on Sunday to pick up my printer and some books.

Being in Korea has been a very positive experience and one that I will always remember. I accomplish everything I wanted to do and did even more. I am still trying to do some last minute things, but most have been done. When I ride the bus, I look at the buildings, the streets, the Buddhist temples, the men pulling carts on the street, everything and I know that home will be very much different. I will be very much different.

There were things and experiences that seemed bad at first but ended up being the very best things that could have happened. Things I wanted to happen did. I met wonderful people and had wonderful romantic times. Who would have thought that I could still have those sort of adventures this late in my life? I did.

But I am ready to go home.

Everything Corps

Last night I had a dream in which a woman had a bumper sticker on her desk that said: "Everything Corps". It was a joke on people who are always joining this organization or corps such as the Peace Corps. Of course the joke fell flat once I was awake, but it seemed funny to everyone in the dream last night including me.

When I stood up, I thought about the Peace Corps. At one time when I was in my early 20's, I thought about joining it; but I could not think of anything I could teach anyone in a third world country and just gave up. Now, since being here in Korea, I know I can teach English and if I joined them maybe they would help me get some training on teaching English as a second language. I felt so ill prepared here because my training consisted of one semester of ESL. I also thought about my age. Would they take me on? They took Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy Carter, president of the United States. She was in her 80's but then she was a registered nurse.

But that was the joke. I am always trying to get a job because that is what I have always done over the years. I have worked full time since the age of 15 and never stopped. Am I one of those people who are trying to be a member of the Everything Corps when I already have a job. I am a writer. It is so hard to be self-employed when one has spent the better part of 50 years working full time and looking for better jobs.

When I was in the last few years of my job working for a state employment office, employees retired from their job and then still came to work and sat in their cars in the parking lot. They started to look for other employment. They didn't know anything else. I laughed to myself that when I retired I would not be that way, but I have been for the most part.

It really isn't funny when you change something that has been ingrained in you for so many years. I have hobbies and something I really want to do full time. yet, I look up from my laptop or my notebooks and think about getting a job somewhere, anywhere. Look where I am. I am in Korea where I had taught English and writing in an university. I almost got an overpayment in my Social Security.

That bumper sticker should have read 'anything corps' and maybe it did and I remembered it wrong. I need to sit and evaluate things and learn to do what it is I really want to do. It is not easy doing that. Some of me is willing to do anything but that.

Thanksgiving Day

Today is Thanksgiving Day although not in Korea. It is only Wednesday in the US. It was always one of my favorite holidays when I had a regular job and was in school because we got two days off and the weekend. Sometimes, I had a job that made no difference but in the last years of working it did. That is what made it such a favorite day.

On a television show that I watch on the Internet, the announcer stated that he asked for viewers to tweet what they were most thankful for. Many viewers said family, good health and other things. He put up some of his favorites such as Sarah Palin not being president and that Sharon Angle and Christine McDonald not winning their senate races. He said his favorite was the little beeper in your car that tells you when you turn off the car that the lights are still on. That is how they ended the show with that sound playing.

I am grateful for my trip to Korea although I had to go kicking and screaming all of the way. I remember crying a tear or two when I saw Mt. Shasta on the way over here. Korea was not one of the places on my list of I most wanted to go in the world. It turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me in a very long time. Even the awful people that I met here at first turned out to be angels in that they pointed me in the right direction for my life to go. So, on this Thanksgiving Day, I want to thank them although I doubt they had that in mind when they yelled and screamed at me.

I am grateful for my family especially my grandsons for just being themselves. My youngest grandson wanted to tell me something important on the phone a while back and it was to say "I'm hungry." He had no idea that I could not come home and fix him something to eat." I miss my sons and grandsons and look forward to seeing them soon.

Most of all, I am grateful that I woke up this morning alive and well. I won't always do that, of course; but this morning I did.

Inspiration

I was reading about how some writers get inspiration from other writers and that is true in part. I thought about inspiration. This might sound trite, but I get inspired when I just wake up in the morning and I am still among the living. I have had cancer enough times that I don't even know the exact number anymore. I have had surgery and lost enough parts to make up another human being. I have one of everything now when there was a choice to have two. I am grateful my body can exist using just half of what I was allowed to have at birth.

I am also 65 years of age soon to turn 66. I can't believe I have lived this long. The other day I was having lunch with some ladies and we were comparing our palms and lifelines. I looked at my palm to see if my lifeline showed if I am going to have a long life or not until I remembered I already know I will live a long time. I am there already. I felt a bit silly.

My health has improved since coming to Korea, but nothing will turn the clock backwards. I remember being in my late teens and hearing about the shooting of President Kennedy. I thought, in my ignorance, that if those doctors at that Dallas Hospital really wanted to save the president they could. Of course, they couldn't. None of us can live forever and many of us towards the end of our life don't really want to anyway. I know my mother and father didn't. They didn't want to live with all of the pain and discomfort they had at the time. I feel great now. I don't seem to have any health issues, but nothing lasts forever. This morning, I made it and I am alive. I feel inspired.

Sherlock Holmes

I am reading or re-reading the short stories of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I have a book journal but this post really belongs here. I have always loved this fictional character and love his method of deduction. I don't always agree with Mr. Holmes actions in his stories but I like the way he calmly investigates a mystery and tries to see clearly what the truth is without any preconceived ideas.

I am getting ready to go back home and will be leaving in three weeks. I want to take back all of the lessons that I have learned here in Korea. I don't want to return to the life I led before coming here. I lay in my bed and watched television, read and ate too much. I rarely exercised. I felt hopeless about getting myself in shape for further adventures and yet did not believe I would have anymore. Then Korea kicked me in the rear and it was a very hard kick. It woke me up.

I think I am going to call this adventure in Korea, "Waking up in Korea". Every place I went I was reminded of the 1950's. I think I am reminded of the place I was in at that time too because I had so many issues not looked at, shadows not examined and it seemed to go along with what I was seeing in Korea.

Taking what I understood to be the methods of Sherlock Holmes, I have been examining different issues so I won't get stuck in the same place before I left. I will be gone for only nine months but it feels like nine years. Each month here was full of surprises and discoveries and I seemed to live more in one moment that I did in California. My son who lived in another part of Asia said it was the same for him too.

My method in this discovery is my journal and it is proving to be very fruitful. I have found out things that I knew unconsciously but not consciously. It always surprises me how the mind can play such tricks, but then if it didn't therapists and psychologists would be out of work. I won't be able to get help in unraveling these mysteries of my youth and earlier years. I could not afford it and not too many therapists are as intelligent as Mr. Holmes. My journal will have to suffice. I am lucky in that my resources are sufficient for this.

There is no Dr. Watson unless it is my journal, but I don't have to worry about what I tell it. It must be rough for some well-known people such as presidents or actors that they could never confide their darkest secrets to a therapist and not even to a journal. It is too risky for them. They have to solve their own problems without leaving a paper trail or a series of tape recordings. Ah well, there are advantages and disadvantages to everything.

Right now, I am counting on Mr. Holmes' help in getting to the bottom of my problems at least enough of them so I can continue my quest to get healthier mentally, emotionally and physically.

Facebook

I have a Facebook account and love connecting with people I haven't seen for a long time. Sometimes, I get readers from these blogs and other writing that I do and people I met here in in Korea. I have had a wonderful time with it. Then I got a request to be my friend from someone named Lady Godiva. I chuckled to myself because the only Lady Godiva I know is my cat who is home in California. I wonder who would call themselves Godiva and I go into her Facebook account and see a picture of my cat looking back at me. I was astonished. I go ahead and push the button that I agree to be her friend.

Then a minute later another request pops up from someone else named Mary Russell. Oh, oh, I said to myself. That is the other cat and sure enough when I go into that account I see my cat's picture looking at me. So, I push the button that she can be my friend and before I can send a message to someone at my house, the dog is asking to be my friend. I am laughing so hard my stomach is hurting.

They all have profile pages, picture albums and the like. I send a message to Lady Godiva asking her how she got her paws on the keys and I got back: "Meow, meow, meow and meow."
I look at the live chat page and see that my son is on line and the "aha" reaction kicks in. I really thought it was my son's partner or my grandson.

Again, I am laughing and it is so much fun. It can be sad too when you find out the reason why someone is not corresponding to you anymore. They could have at least sent you an email that told you they died: "I am sorry I am allowed to use the computer only once here at St. Peter's Gate. I am no longer alive, dear friends and family. Computers and the Internet are allowed only in Hell. See you when you get here." WTF????

Hijacked

Someone wanted to help me out because I can't view many programs and websites from the United States and gave me a software program that was supposed to help me do that. It was the software from Hell. It took over my computer. I still don't have all of the evidence off my computer and I did go to the part where you take programs off officially. That was only the start. I am looking at a tool bar that is still in place on my Mozilla Firefox that I can't get off. Luckily, it is not doing anything. It took me hours to get all of my regular programs back such as my Google home page and this morning I finally got the English version. Yesterday, all I could get was the Korean version.

It didn't work all that well. I saw one episode of Saturday Night Live off of HULU when the program stopped working. I really wanted to watch PBS Masterpiece Theater but that never worked there. I will just have to wait. I wanted to watch the new Sherlock Holmes serial on that series. Oh well, I will be home soon.

I can watch Front Line and NewsHour and that is pretty important. I think the PBS NewsHour is the best balanced news anywhere. I can watch them without difficulty. I watch MSNBC for opinion news which I think is important as long as there are real facts there and I think MSNBC does a credible job. When things get me down and I think everything is going to Hell, then I watch Jon Stewart and the Daily Show and Stephen Colbert. On Sundays and Mondays, I don't watch anything except some videos from the New York Times.

The one thing I have not missed is a television set. I have not had one since coming to Korea. Cable in Korea does include some English channels such as CNN. There are movies in English with Korean subtitles. There was a time I did not think I could live without a TV. I have known other people like that as well. One friend used her TV Guide as a calender. She put her appointments among announcements for programs.

I have a small apartment, one room with a kitchen. The computer is an important part of my life here in Korea. It is how I keep in contact with my relatives and the world. I have had the same email address for years. That is how a friend who was in Korea on assignment knew how to contact me. He sent me an email. Having that stupid program hijack my computer really scared me. In the past, I would have asked one of my sons to help me put it right. I can't do that here in Korea. I have to handle all of my emergencies to some extent. I am less prone to trust such programs again.

No more coffee....

I had decided not to buy caffeinated coffee for here at home because my time was getting short in Korea. I was buying only decaffeinated coffee and of course milk. I am now less than 30 days away from leaving and decided not to buy decaffeinated coffee and milk anymore until I get home. It just does not seem worth it. I get to Home Plus and a few other coffee shops where I indulge in coffee so that should do it. I have lots of tea both regular and herbal and sugar and artificial sugar that I got from from my son.

When I am at here at the apartment, I sit at the computer as I am doing now and sip my coffee so I will have to get used to at least for now sipping tea. Tea is not bad and during those days I don't go to a coffee shop, I get my caffeine from tea. I also have stopped drinking carbonated drinks, but that had nothing to do with leaving Korea. I am so used to drinking artificial sweetener that I could not stand the regular stuff and I needed the bottles so I could put water in them and freeze them for my air conditioner that I had in my apartment. It is a swamp cooler and Korea is very humid so I did not want to use ice or water and put more humidity in the air. Frozen ice in coke bottles did the trick. With the artificial sweetener, I could make my own herbal drink with fruit slices that I would buy at Home Plus. Lemonade is good in the summer.

I am going to miss having coffee here in my apartment, but it will only be a short time before I am home. I have one of those coffee machines that brews one cup at a time in my home. I can also buy canned evaporated milk in California so I don't have to go to the store for milk all of the time and store my extra milk right in my bedroom. My bedroom is the size of this apartment so I know I can do it. My son said he put a microwave in my room but I have not used one for a long time. I don't have one in Korea. I guess I will just have to think of ways of using it.

My mind is on the trip. Yesterday, my son made a reservation at a hotel at the airport in Incheon so I will be there the night before I leave. My plane leaves around 8 am. I was afraid of leaving Daejeon in the morning very early because so many things might go wrong.It might snow and I can't get there in time. Hopefully, they will have some coffee and milk at the hotel. I know cream is out of the question. Koreans don't put sugar or cream in their coffee. It's funny in a way. I use sugar, sometimes artificial sweetener and sometimes nothing in my tea. Koreans use nothing. But, everything else, Koreans use sugar. They love the stuff.

In the last month of my stay here

I am in the last month of my stay here in Korea and there are decisions to be made. One person called my landlord and talked to them in Korean to make sure they knew I was leaving next month. I was so relieved. They also asked that the landlord call the Internet people and cut off my Internet on my last day. I will be leaving enough money to pay my charges in my bank account. That was easy for I have a deposit that will also pay any left over utility bills. I have paid all of them up to now.

I am thinking about not buying any more coffee as I need to buy milk and don't want any of those items left over. I also am going through my clothes and figuring out what to throw away. Some of my clothes are too big to wear anymore. I am giving away most of my books to English teachers and the rest to the English Library across the street. I have no idea what I am going to do with my printer as yet. I might give it to a church in case they might know someone in the future.

My landlords rented this apartment as furnished. Now, when I leave, it really will be. I am leaving all of my furniture including some dishes, an air conditioner and fan. I am leaving my washing machine soap and soap for washing hands. I am leaving a lot less than what I brought.

When I went to Japan to renew my VISA, I was searched physically when coming back. That has never happened to me before. I doubt if anyone would search me leaving for I will have a few gifts for relatives but that is about it. It costs a lot to bring things into Korea but not to take things out.

The excitement is building regarding leaving Korea but also a sense of sadness for Korea has been very good for me. I hope I have been good for Korea too.

The Shrinking World

Before I came to Korea eight months ago, I never gave a thought to all of the people who travel around the world looking for work to support their families and themselves. I knew about it, but I just did not give it much thought. Like so many Americans secure in their own little worlds, I lived my life dwelling on the world around me and that world consisted of my children, my 9 to 5 job and friends. When I read that Americans were isolationists, I never thought I was one of them.

Then I saw a bit of the world and saw how different people worked hard to make a living when the ability to do so at home was impossible. The world shrank. No longer did places like China seem so faraway. I have been to a few countries such as Japan and the UK and others. They are no longer pictures in a book. They are real to me. I remember looking down at the Atlantic Ocean and seeing ice as my plane few overhead. I wanted to see Iceland and Greenland but there was a cloud cover.

I grew up in San Diego, California and saw people from all over the world when their navies would come into San Diego. That was just the top of the iceberg of reality. The bottom half still was hidden from me until I was in those countries and saw the people and I rode the buses and used the money and talked to people.

Today, I met a professor of engineering from Romania. Since she lived in the United States for a while, she spoke English. We had a pleasant conversation. She was learning Korean as she was going to live in Korea for a while. I have met people from India, Pakistan, Poland, Russia and many other places and they are here trying to make a living so they can send money home to their loved ones. Korea is doing relatively well in comparison to other places and there are jobs in certain professions. I have met some men and women who come from the Philippines who are working in factories who are doing the same. All of them speak English as well as their own and they are earnestly trying to learn Korean too.

My mother's family came from Manchuria and she used to say so many of us in this country was spoiled. I just knew she was wrong. Her favorite peeve was ice cream and cake together. Since I hate cake and ice cream together because it is too sweet for my tastes, I was sure her other assumptions were wrong too. Now, I am not so sure. I had gotten spoiled by my car and by the fact that I can buy anything in the supermarket in the US. Here in Korea, I can't, but it is a matter of taste not availability. In some countries, people don't have that much luxury. Here in Korea, I won't eat pigs feet. I guess I never got that hungry where I had to.

Anger

Last Sunday, I went to church that has church services in English. It is a Christian one and I am not but they know that and don't mind. I don't believe in many of the things they believe in and have trouble with those things such as not accepting everyone for who they are. Several times, I almost walked out of the their talks because of it.

At a visit to one of their printing plants, one of the employees gave me a blank book with the cover in Armenian that has a picture of a constellation. I take notes in there so that I can better understand my reaction to what I hear and learn what is in the Bible. I do meet some very interesting people in church and looking at that book, I see I met some Hindus and Muslims. They want to go to church services that have teachers and professors that speak English. It was a Hindu professor of Chemistry from India who talked about anger that got me thinking about the emotion of anger. In the talk that day, an elder said God got mad when people did not follow his laws. That was from some scripture in the Old Testament. I told the chemistry professor that I did not understand it either because I am a Buddhist. Since then, I have been writing about anger in my journal and on my other blogs.

I knew I had anger issues. That was not new to me. In meditation, it came up time and time again. The more I wrote about it, the more it became apparent that I had more of a problem with it than I realized. I am writing a short story about someone who has trouble dealing with people. I don't model characters on myself, but she likes people but they don't like her. She does not understand why.

I have strong religious beliefs, but I don't believe that there is this god up there that gets mad at people all of the time especially when they don't obey certain laws or rules. Yes, Buddhists have precepts to guide their lives. We break them and create karma which I believe is a cause and effect force that is there to teach us what we need to know. We as human beings control karma to some extent by our own actions.

I had a hard life in some ways, not as bad as some and certainly worse than others. Some people have been mean to me and made my life a living Hell. On the other hand, many of the things that happened to me that was bad, turned out to be good. I did not realize that I was very angry at the world and showed it. I realized it because the character in my story slowly began to realize that she put up a wall to keep people away from her. That was my wall too. I was convinced there was something wrong with me when in reality there wasn't. I stored that anger in Bubbles of memories that I did not let go. I formed strong attachments to them and remained very angry at those people whose names I had long forgotten and I remained angry at people who have long since passed away.

Talk about a total waste of time. I wrote on another blog that I was getting tired of being angry. It serves no useful purpose other than making the self aware of what sorts of people one should avoid. Living in Korea has had its benefits. Often when people piss me off, I can't tell them off. I can sit and watch others handle situations and know that there isn't a darn thing I can do to help such as drunk and stoned bus drivers, angry car drivers, kids on the bus who try to steal fire extinguishers, men who walk in front of me in line and so forth. Now, I just let it go.

I am now aware of things having to do with anger. They are in the sunshine of my consciousness. Meditation is good in doing this. I use writing meditation most often in uncovering this. I don't overeat when something comes to the surface from the unconscious.

I have one month to go before I leave. I have so much to do so I won't return to that other life. I am so much happier, healthier and well on my way of doing what I want to do in my life. This was my quest to be healthier and what started this blog in the first place.

Exercise

One of the things I am going to miss in Korea is the mass transit system. It is excellent. The bus drivers drive like race drivers, but the buses ran regularly and all of the time. There are usually at least two or more bus routes that take you to the places you want to go. I don't know all of the routes, but I know there is routes 102 and 113 that takes me to Home Plus where I go. They run frequently. It is not that way in the States.

When I am at home and working as I am here on the computer or in bed (I rarely put the bed up into the couch) I read and write by hand and type. I don't see anyone. I don't have a television set, thank goodness. I watch or read the news and that is about it. At night when things are all done, I might watch an old movie or a documentary. I work on Facebook or Hotmail. Sometimes I need exercise and to see human beings. I reward myself by heading to the bus stop and going to Home Plus usually at noon.

Lately, someone told me about hidden stairs that I did not know about. I no longer have to walk on the thin road leading to the main road where there are several bus stops. The main bus stops have benches to sit. The corporation next door who put in the steps also put in a bus stop so people can sit in a shelter and wait for the bus. It is a very nice shelter. Now I head for the stairs and climb them and cross the street to the stop and the bus comes within a short period of time. I rarely take the taxi anymore unless I am bringing home groceries. Buses will stop on a dime, so to speak, and when you are carrying groceries and standing that can be a serious problem. I take the taxi home. It cost 7,000 wons or 7 dollars to take the taxi home one way. It cost 1,000 wons or 1 dollar to take the bus. Korean senior citizens pay less but I am not Korean so I pay the going rate. Still it is cheaper than the taxi.

I get the exercise I need. When I get to Home Plus, I buy a rice burger and coffee with skim milk. I am lucky to get that. Koreans are not into milk in their coffee as Americans are. I hate skim milk but it is better than black coffee. I drink coffee here at home with regular milk. I have never seen half and half. I used to go up to the grocery store at Home Plus and buy a individual cheesecake, but they have discontinued that so I have given up the cheesecake. I can't eat donuts and that is what Dunkin Donuts sell there. I buy the rice burger from a fast food chain that is here in Korea and consider myself lucky to get it. I don't eat the french fries.

I never go more than one day without getting some exercise. Going to Home Plus is a treat and gives me the incentive for going. It is still a good walk to get to the bus stop and a beautiful walk. I don't go anywhere when it is foggy for the cars would not see me. I still can't get over how easy it is for me to climb those steps without any pain or even pain reliever. I don't even get out of breath anymore. Korea has been good for me.

Fog

I got up when there was enough light that I could see the clock. I love these days when I could do that. I did buy a clock that does not have a jaw jarring sound to wake you up with it. It has a pleasant song each time you use it and it is not the same song each time. I did not know that when I bought it here in Korea. I bought it because I could tap the top button and it would light up and show me the time during the night.

I was cold so I turned on the floor. Here in Korea, the heat comes through the floor which is nice. I opened the sliding doors which leads to the small laundry room which also has the only windows of my small studio apartment. It is foggy out there so thick that I cannot see the tall and imposing apartment buildings next door. It is a good thing I did not want to go anywhere because it would be dangerous to walk anywhere especially with Korean drivers who don't obey lights or observe crosswalks even when there is no fog.

In a way, it was beautiful to see the autumn colored trees just outlined in the fog that run along the small road and fence just below my window. Yesterday, there was a truck lifting some railroad ties up into the area above the soccer field that the corporation next door maintains for its employees. They also re-marked the lines so I am guessing they are playing some games this weekend. They have cement bleachers for those who come out to watch. In and around the area are wonderful gardens. The man who sweeps and trims the bushes had put his cart aside so he could help.

It has been a while since it has rained. There for a while it was raining every day. Now, the sky is clear for the most part except the thin white clouds which is now on the ground giving us all fog. The trees are all different colors of yellow, gold, red and there are some flowers here and there with some stubborn red roses along the road on the fence. Korea is breathtakingly beautiful in the fall.

Looking towards home

I will be leaving in a little over a month and have been making plans on what to do with my stuff. My ticket has been bought and I know pretty much what I will be doing with my furniture. I will be giving it away to my landlord. They rented the place as furnished and now it really is.

I am giving my Korean/English books away to a English teacher and to a American boy who is being home schooled. He is very smart and already knows how to speak, write and read Korean. He and his family have been here the same time as I have.

I have lost over 50 lbs although I have no idea how much. What is more important is that I can walk, climb steps with ease. I can move without pain and without difficulty. I need to keep this up so that I can continue the progress that I started here in Korea. Much of it depends on eating less and exercising as much as possible. I have been giving that a lot of thought and planning on what I am going to do once I am home.

I have been told there is a desk in my room and I will be getting another computer in addition to this laptop. I like a regular computer so I can have a lowered keyboard as not to put too much strain on my arms. I need to get a office chair. Too bad I can't take the one I use here for it is the best I have ever had and it cost new, $65.00. The desk here has been at a height that is too high and it hurts my arms after a while. It is small, though, and fits in this small room very well and again cost very little brand new. It cost the same as the chair and has book shelves above it.

It is a mindset that I am trying to establish right now. I have found out that I have a new car waiting for me in Los Angeles. It is a Honda Accord with power windows and air conditioning. I will be driving it home once I get there. I will also be getting car insurance, the same as I had before at AAA. I will also get a cell phone as well. I am looking forward to that.

I plan on walking to Barnes and Noble from my house instead of driving. It isn't all that far. The weather in my home is sunny and warm most of the year and there is no reason to drive as I did before. I will drive to the store but I walk as much as possible. One time I tried to walk to the Starbucks on the other side of my house and it was very dangerous. There is more sidewalks on the way to Barnes and Noble than the Starbucks that I did walk that time.
I don't have the dog I did have anymore as she is at a ranch with other dogs. So, I can easily walk to places and go in.

When I was working for the Veterans Administration as a Federal Police Dispatcher and switchboard operator, I got carpel tunnel syndrome. I am always afraid of getting it again. I had to use the old style card system switchboard with the pulling and pushing of cords. When the doctors and administrators were busy making their calls, it got very busy there. I was still there when they put the new system in which saved all of us our arms and sanity for some doctors can be very testy about getting their calls through ahead of others even though they are not emergencies. Still, having my arms on this desk, I can feel the strain in my arms.

It seems to me, that I need to have a schedule in place so that I don't return to the earlier way I did things such as staying in bed too many hours, driving when I could be walking, and not writing when I could. I watched too much television and watched the calendar slip away. I am determined not to do that anymore. The eight months and will be nine that I have spent here and seem like years and they have been good for me. I don't want to lose the work that I have done here.

I had a neighbor who retired, like I did from government service. I watched her because she lived across the street and had a large picture window. She got up seven days a week around noon, watched television until she went to bed at 2 am. She ate all of her meals in front of the television. I went to visit her from time to time. She had ordered a book to read from a television commercial and it remained on her side table next to her chair unread until the day she died. The only time she went out was to go to the doctor's and she had all of her food delivered to her house. That, alone, should have been a wake-up call to me. We were the same age.

I was so glad I got the chance to come here to Korea and fought it all of the way. Once I got here, I had some bad experiences with some people. Yet, there were far more good things that happened to me than bad. I want to make sure it continues when I return. I am using my journal and my writing as a way of doing this. I have also made friends here too. I have been seeing Korea and traveling. I think Korea has saved my life.

How to be Happy

I am not so ignorant that I think I have the answers to the question of how to be happy for everyone and certainly I have been having trouble with this question just for me. However, I got a religious track yesterday from a Christian organization that addresses this very question and they have the answers. I thought I would share it with you since it does have food for thought here. The title of the track is "Five Secrets for Being Happy". There is no author on the track.

The first secret is to love people and not money and possessions.
I am not going to go into the quotations of the Bible because I am not a Christian as my blog attests and find no validity there, but the spirit of all religions have this as a basis of their religion. When I came to Korea, my sons got rid of all of my clothes and my huge library. I was grief stricken that they did. I told them that I had not died and was coming back. Then I realized that I was not reading or using those books but liked to just see those volumes on the shelf. The clothes were the same. Most of the clothes I never wore and were from the days I had a 9-5 job that I had left to work at home. Beside, I had lost over 50 lbs since coming here. They did not fit me anymore.

The article said that people should evaluate whether one can simplify their lifestyle. I had to see that I had given in to the fear of the past of being poor and never having enough. My sons had also gotten rid of my food reserves, much were well past the expiration date. It wasn't because I was stocking up a nuclear shelter. I had a large house full of stuff that I would never use and it was stuff they would have to eventually throw away. Call it karma, but it was time I got rid of all of that stuff.

Before I came here, I was fast accumulating more and more stuff. Now, I live in an apartment that is the size of my bedroom. I intend to live in my bedroom when I get back and never accumulate the huge amount of stuff again. It also cost a lot of money. Since I have been gone, I have lived on the money I made here and my son who is in charge of my finances has saved a nice amount of money for me.

I think this secret is worthwhile looking at and one I may not have even learned if I had not come here. It took a lot to learn here but well worth learning.

The second secret is to resist the urge to compare yourself with others.
As a teacher, I always have told students to just do the best you can and don't worry about anyone else. Well, it was so easy to tell students that but not so easy to do it myself. I am a writer and I would see writers who wrote so much better than I did, constructed plots so much better than I did, made more money than I did and won more awards than I did.

I have a friend who is very beautiful and I have known her for a very long time. When she was younger she spent a great deal of time and energy making herself look attractive and for the most part succeeded. Now, with advancing age, there is nothing sold in a bottle or done with a plastic surgeon's knife than can make her look the way she did 30 or 40 years ago. She did not inherit great bone structure or skin so her beauty is not holding up all that well. She is always comparing herself to other women and coming up on the short end. She was married to a man who I think finally left because she was driving him crazy with having to be reassured that she was beautiful. He left her and settled down with a woman her age.

The religious tract says that you should try and see yourself as God sees you and allow his view to influence your sense of self-worth. For me, it was upgrading my own sense of self-worth. I had to think I was worth more than my writing, my looks, my weight, age and so forth. I had to love myself regardless. I am a work of progress on this one but it is getting better.

The third secret is to maintain an appreciate attitude.
The track says to make time to meditate on the good things you now enjoy. There has been times in the past when my health was shaky. It is good now. One cannot buy good health to some extent. There are other things. One man I know who is bitter has a loving wife who works hard to make a good life for him. If she was no longer there then he would finally know what a good thing he had. I read good books when I can get them. I never have to depend on television or movies for entertainment. If I could not find a good book to read, I would write what I want to read. I am grateful for that. I friend loves to garden but lives in an apartment so she grows things in her windows and pots. She uses fresh herbs in her cooking. There is always things in our lives to be grateful for. We just forget.

The fourth secret is the choose your friends wisely.
This was one secret that I was going to disagree with. Then I started to think this one out. One time I had a friend who I felt close to but she dropped me when I got suspended from my job for an article in a magazine that I wrote that my boss disagreed with. It had nothing to do with my job and I filed an action with the union and won it along with back pay. I remember those dark days when I thought I was friend-less and my family rallied around me as well as my union for they knew I was right. I had warnings before that she was a fair weather friend but ignored them. I did not chose wisely my friendship but we live and learn.

I had a another friend who took my medications when I came back from the hospital and was in pain. My doctor gave me a medication that many people were addicted to. I did not know she had a drug problem. Luckily, I never really needed it. I had given her a key to my house and had to change the locks on the house. My son had surprised her going out the door with my meds. This time, I had no idea she had a problem with drugs. I did not know her well enough to have given her my key when she asked for it. I never do that anymore. She wanted the key, she said, in case I needed something and could not get to the door. I should have thought that one out more.

Secret five is satisfy your spiritual need.
This is the secret is that is not a secret to me at all. I have been doing this all of my life; but I have been doing more of it since coming to Korea which made it possible to do the other four. I think everyone should do some degree of spiritual work or working on the inner self. I don't think it has to be a religion or one particular form of inner work. It could be therapy.

Meditation is a good way to go here and there are many ways of doing it. Writing meditation is my favorite way and there are many books on this subject and many websites on the Internet. I have a friend who does walking meditation and another person I know who is into drawing meditation and I do a form of it in my journals. I think there are many ways of doing meditation and if one has a favorite activity you can incorporate it into meditation as long as no one is being hurt including the self.

I think all of the five ways is a good start on how to be happy. Finding out what makes one happy is a good way to discover who you are and that is not easy. I find writing a perfect vehicle but it is not for everyone. Biking may be for some while hiking may be for other or sewing or whatever. The thing is to not use passive activities such as watching television or movies. Involving one in life is what meditation is and not what many considering contemplating one's navel. It is the interaction with life starting with breathing and the necessary ingredient is the self and it is has to be your own way.

I hope this helps with your search to be happy. I just described my search.