Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Food and Exercise List from Dec 22 to 27,2009


Tuesday, Dec 22
AM: banana, bacon, decaffeinated coffee and half and half, 1/2 pill
PM: one small bowl of cold rice cereal with evaporated milk, coffee with half and half, orange juice, 2 small containers of yogurt
after 6PM: 3 waffles with butter, one banana, 1/2 pill
Exercise: housework

Wednesday, Dec 23
AM: 3 waffles with butter, coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill,
PM: one steak and onions, decaffeinated coffee and half and half
After 6PM: 2 yogurt cups, one banana, some cashews
Exercise: housework

Thursday, Dec 24
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, some mandarian oranges, 1/2 pill
PM: chicken cashew salad, chocolate milk, waffles with butter and preserves
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill

Friday, Dec 25
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, one glass of orange juice, 1/2 pill, bacon
PM: 2 sausage patties, 3 waffles with butter, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, bacon
After 6PM: hot chocolate with half and half

Saturday, Dec 26
AM:coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill, one banana, sausage and eggs, 1/2 pill
PM: creme de breve hot beverage, steak
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half

Sunday, Dec 27
AM: coffee with half and half, 3 waffles and berry preserves
PM: sausage and cheese sandwich, cheese sandwich, diet cola (decaffeinated)
After 6PM:1/2 pill

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sick

I am suspending my blogs for now as I am sick with something. Some relatives thought I had the gout, but my doctor did not think so. No one else is sick so I have no idea what it is, but I am in bed and reading.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Shadows


I wrote earlier that I have been having trouble with being depressed. I have always had trouble with depression, but I have never took medication for it because it is not clinical depression. I can usually write myself out of it. Sometimes, I can even walk myself out of it. This time, it was particularly bad as I felt it very deeply. It felt like a big iron door was crushing down on me, smashing the breath out of my lungs, pressing the life out of my heart and flooding my being with the same dank, black foul river that flowed in me when I was a young teenager.

It was particularly bad yesterday and then I drank what I thought was orange juice not checking the ingredients and discovered it was not pure but doctored. It was Tropicana, a brand that I had trusted before. I got so sick. I ended up eating waffles which seemed to stop some of the really bad symptoms. I had not counted on eating waffles. That seemed to make me feel even worse.

I kept writing in my journal and remembered some of the things that ran in my mind. I felt angry over things that happened long ago. I felt helpless over the things that were happening now. I felt lost in a bauble of time in my past. I was back in time, over 40 years ago, reliving things that happened so long ago that the participants were surely dead or close to it. I felt a measure of relief as I often do when I write in my journal.

I took out the book, "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry: How the Heart Grows Wise on the Spiritual Path" (Bantam: 2000) by Jack Kornfield(I really recommend this author) and then I remembered. Every time, I had a problem no matter what it was whether it was over-eating, depression, heart break, whatever the answer was always the same. I needed to get in the moment. I needed to be mindful. I have no idea why I forget this. Maybe my ego thinks it has the answers and tries to find new and better answers which of course it never does.

This morning I woke up feeling much better. I took out the Kornfield book again where I had left off. I knew for sure it was my ego that thought it knew better. In the book, there is a lama that comes back from India and Tibet with all those wonderful experiences and then falls back into his old habits and feels awful about it. Kornfield writes: "The ability to make wise transitions is the ability to keep a beginner's mind." As in everything, change is not the enemy. I need to ask the heart to be present and trust it at deeper and deeper levels. I remember recently seeing some steps at a park and I had a feeling I was in for a transition and I thought this was going to be a snap. Hah!

According to Kornfield, the integration of spiritual experience is a process of many years. I just started my quest here and this is really only a continuation of other earlier experiences that have been going on for years and years before.

It is also a matter of letting go. I was in the past because I have not let go. I need to grieve and even get angry and then let go. I need to feel those baubles of emotion and then let them float away. I don't seem to want to do that.

Kornfield writes:

"The well we fall into can be created by clinging to our experience and our spiritual ideals or by holding inflated ideas about our teachers, our paths. The well can be the unfinished business of our psychological and emotional life-an unwillingness to acknowledge our own shadow, to include the human needs, the pain, and the darkness that we carry, to see that we always have, one foot in the dark. As bright as it is, the universe also needs us to open to its other side." page 128

I am listening to Rachmaninoff Symphony No. 2 in E Minor Op. 27 which to me is a combination of light and shadow. I have a tendency to avoid the shadow which, of course, many people do. I am also unwilling to acknowledge my own shadows, my own pain and it is important to express the shadow. Rachmaninoff does this in his music which is why his music is so intense and great. The creative impulse is very important to me. I can feel and hear it in Rachmaninoff. I think it is important to have it in our lives and in our arts and music as well. We are lopsided or unbalanced when we don't.

I don't want to be as depressed as I have been the last few days, but I know it is necessary. The last regular job that I had was an awful one. I lost something during that experience. I was able to leave under good circumstances, but I think I never expressed my anger at some of the people who worked there. That does not mean I will go there and tell them off. No, I will not do that. I just have to find a way to feel my rage and let it go. The same as I will have to feel my anger and grief at a very dysfunctional childhood and then let it go. That is the healthy thing to do, so I can live in the moment and be mindful.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Food and Exercise for Dec 7 through Dec 13, 2009


Monday, Dec 7, 2009
AM: coffee with half and half, one glass of modified orange juice (never again. I did not know it was modified. It made me very ill. ), one banana, one small container of digestive yogurt peach
PM: 3 waffles with butter, 3 sausages, 2 bananas
After 6PM: one bowl of cold rice cerial with half and half, 1/2 pill

Tuesday, Dec 8, 2009
AM: 1/2 pill, one banana, one tangerine, coffee with half and half
PM: 1 steak, 1 small onion, green beans, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
exercise: walking

Wednesday, Dec 9, 2009
AM: coffee and half and half, one banana, one tangerine, one container of yogurt
PM: 3-egg omelet with sausage and tomato sauce, some cheese, iced tea with non-sugar sweetener, one large coffee with half and half, one Vivanno
After 6PM: 3 waffles with butter, 1 pill
exercise: walking


Thursday, Dec 10, 2009
AM: one bowl of cold rice cereal with half and half
PM: one serving macaroni and cheese, 1/2 pill,
After 6pm: 3 waffles with butter

Friday, Dec 11, 2009
AM: one banana, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill
PM: one sausage and cheese sandwich,
After 6PM: cheese cake, coffee with half and half, sausage and cheese sandwich, 1/2 pill

Saturday, Dec 12, 2009
AM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, one banana, two small containers of yogurt,
PM: one sausage and cheese sandwich, 1/2 sandwich

sick

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Depression



I have not been putting down my weight because it has not been changing. It has not been going up which I suppose is good, but it has not been going down. It just stays there mocking me, and I am going to say challenging me. I know I said I did not want to start this quest just to lose weight but damn I am overweight by over 100 pounds. I really need to lose.

I am exercising. My blood pressure is down. My sugar level is down or at least some of the time. That is good. My clothes are looser. But the dial on the scale at the clinic stays the same. I know I could eat less. I know I can eat healthier than I have of late. I do put everything down. I am just going to try harder. I went a bit crazy today. I ate some cookies. There is ice cream in the house that I did not touch. I went walking at the lake. I do more housework.

I will just try harder and it is working. I just have to cut myself more slack; and of course I have to be more mindful. The key is always being mindful.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Food and Exercise List from Nov. 30 to Dec 6, 2009


Monday, Nov. 30
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, 1/2 pill
PM: eggplant with cheese frozen dish cooked, 2 light, low fat yogurts, coffee with half and half, sausage
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill

Tuesday, Dec. 1
AM: 1/2 pill
PM: hamburger patties with bacon, lettuce, some french fries, iced tea with saccharine
After 6PM: one Vivianna, one decaffeinated coffee with half and half, one bowl of rice cereal with half and half, 1/2 pill
Exercise: walking

Wednesday, Dec. 2
AM: coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill, one tangerine, 1 light and non-fat yogurt
PM: 1 light and non-fat yogurt, one 3-egg omelet with Munster cheese, green onions and link sausage, one salad with beef, re fried beans, sour cream
After 6PM: one bowl of rice dry cereal and half and half, 1/2 pill
exercise: walking

Thursday, Dec 3
AM: coffee with half and half, 1/2 pill, one banana, one small yogurt
PM: steak and green beans, yogurt,
After 6PM: 1/2 pill,
exercise: walking

Friday, Dec 4
AM: coffee with half and half, one tangerine, one yogurt, 1/2 pill
PM: one hamburger, macronni and cheese, 3 waffles and butter, decaffeinated coffee and half and half
After 6pm: 1/2 pill
exercise: walking

Saturday, Dec 5
AM: coffee with half and half, one banana, two yogurts

PM: one 3-egg omelet with mushrooms, some cheese, some Avocado , french fries, one bowl of cold rice cereal with half and half
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, 4 coconut macaroon cookies.
exercise: walking

Sunday, Dec 6
AM: coffee with half and half, two bananas, one tangerine, 1/2 pill
PM: One strawberry frappe (tall), one chicken salad, decaffeinated coffee with half and half
After 6PM:
4 coconut macaroon, 1/2 pill

Friday, November 27, 2009

Diabetes Testing and Other Things


I tested my blood sugar this morning and it was 104 which is the lowest it has been for a very long time. It is way too early for it to be a trend, but it is a step in the right direction. I used to have consistent high blood pressure that my doctor asked me to come in and have my blood pressure tested between doctor appointments. Not only do I not have to do this anymore, but my blood pressure is now consistently normal when tested. They use this machine that would peep when the pressure was too high and then it would have to be re-tested. Now, this never happens.

I am not losing the weight the way I would like, but I am not exercising the way I should be. Perhaps that is the next stage in my quest to be healthier. It is working and that is what counts. My clothes are getting looser and I might have to throw away a pair of pants I used to wear now and again.

As stated before, losing weight was only the start of my quest to be healthier, not the goal. I have lower the sugar level in my blood or at least this morning. I have been seeing a steady lowering in it as in prior tests and in the blood work at the clinic where I go for my medical needs. I used to have pain in my joints and muscles and take pain reliever every morning. I rarely do that anymore. I exercise every so often and I am working on doing more. I am doing more with my mind as well.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Dreams, my interpretation


Last night on NOVA(PBS), there was a very interesting program on dreams. The program talked about the different areas of research that has been going on why humans dream and what the results have been so far. I was primarily interested in the interpretation of dreams and what research has found about that area of psychology.

In the program, they brought up Sigmund Freud and his monumental work on this subject. "The Interpretation of Dreams" is a book was published in November 1899 (post-dated as 1900 by the publisher). The book inaugurated the theory of Freudian dream analysis, which activity Freud famously described as "the royal road to the understanding of unconscious mental processes."

The book introduces Freud's theory of the unconscious with respect to dream interpretation. Dreams, in Freud's view, were all forms of "wish-fulfillment" — attempts by the unconscious to resolve a conflict of some sort, whether something recent or something from the recesses of the past (later in Beyond the Pleasure Principle, Freud would discuss dreams which did not appear to be wish-fulfillment). However, because the information in the unconscious is in an unruly and often disturbing form, a "censor" in the preconscious will not allow it to pass unaltered into the conscious. During dreams, the preconscious is more lax in this duty than in waking hours, but is still attentive: as such, the unconscious must distort and warp the meaning of its information to make it through the censorship. As such, images in dreams are often not what they appear to be, according to Freud, and need deeper interpretation if they are to inform on the structures of the unconscious. Much in the interpretation of dreams, according to Freud, came from the area of erotic relationships and sex.

Much of what Freud based his dream interpretation is still considered valid today with a lesser emphasis on sex although current studies do show a difference in the kind of dreams one has in REM and lighter forms of sleep. For instance, studies show that dream in REM show a decided slant towards negative emotions than in other lighter forms of sleep.

Many therapists use dream interpretation to give hints as to what the patient might be experiencing in his or her life. Dreams are classified as to types. One patient had a series of dreams in which he was in conflict with female role models such as wife, mother and so forth far more than the norm. Later the patient filed for divorce from his wife.

In last night's program, Nova showed a Canadian Native tribe that would have frequent dream circles in which elders would interpret the dreams of its members.

I think dreams play a part in understanding what is going on in one's life and interpreting unconscious hints about different situations. This would be in line with Freud's work. For instance, I was in group therapy with one particular leader. I was uncomfortable with the dynamics of the group. I had made an assessment that it was because I was getting some much needed work done.

Then I had a dream. I dreamed I was at a girlfriend's house that I had not seen since I was 12 or 13 years of age. The group leader was standing in the carport and the members of the group were in the house and on the sidewalk leading up to the door. The dream made a very strong impression on me that I just could not shake. I could not understand why I dreamed of the group in that house and why the group leader was in the carport.

Then as I was journaling, I started to remember things about that girlfriend. Her mother drank a lot and her father was the one who did the house work in addition to his regular job. She was rarely available but stayed in her room with a beer in her hand. Then one day we had to get somewhere important. My father always had the car as he worked in town miles where we lived. Since the girlfriend's father always took his work truck there was a car in the carport. Her mother got into the car and said she was not allowed to drive, but the girlfriend was instructed not to tell anyone. She drove all of us to what it was we were supposed to be at. That car slid all over the road and I was scared. The girlfriend's father picked us up.

I started to remember things about the group. There were people in it that were the patients but the group leader was afraid of them. It was a toxic group and I had no business being in it. It took a dream to point out what should have been obvious but was hidden in the unconscious.

I also think that our Spiritual Center or Guardians communicate with us through our dreams. I remember being in a dream in which I was told that death would pay a visit very close within a month. I remember waking up and being scared because I thought it was me. It was my brother.

Then there are the dreams that give hints to things such as the fact that I have been eating ice cream when I should not have. I had a dream about it last night. Part of the dream was I was trying to buy ice cream cones for the kids when I had one in my hand. It was stale and not good tasting, but I was trying to gulp it down before getting new ice cream. In my dream, I was thinking that the ice cream that I had bought was old and not good.

When I woke up, I knew what that old cone was. I was eating ice cream for a reason that was old and from my past. Instead of looking at my life which was really quite enjoyable and exciting I was still trying to gulp down the old stuff from the past. It never occurred to me in the dream to just throw away the ice cream and to enjoy the wonderful sweet stuff that was happening to me now. I was trying to hang on to the old stuff which was not fun anymore and tasted stale. In my dream, I was trying to get home with the different aspects of myself that I enjoy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Food and Exercise List from Nov. 23 to Nov. 29, 2009







Monday, Nov. 23
AM: coffee and half and half, 2 small light and non-fat yogurt
sugar level=123
PM: 3 waffles and butter, steak, green beans, onions, green pepper, celery,seasoning, 1/2 pill , diet cola, one bowl of cold rice cereal and half and half
After 6PM: 1/2 pill, cashews

Tuesday, Nov. 24
AM: coffee and half and half, 1/2 pill, 1 banana, part of a tangerine
PM: 2 small light, fat free yogurts, 1 hamburger steak, green beans, onions, celery, green peppers, seasoning, cheese, lemon diet soda, ice cream
After 6PM: cashews, 1/2 pill

Wednesday, Nov. 25
AM: coffee and half and half, 1 banana
PM: 2 small light, fat free yogurts, 1/2 pill, decaffeinated coffee with half and half, creamy squash soup, sausages, cold rice cereal with half and half
After 6 pm: cashews
Exercise: walking

Thursday, Nov. 26
Thanksgiving Day
AM: coffee and half and half, 1 banana, 1/2 pill
PM: 3 waffles with butter, chicken salad with cashews, three short ribs
After 6pm: one bowl of rice crispies with half and half, 1/2 pill

Friday, Nov. 27
AM: coffee and half and half
11:15AM sugar level=104 (hurray )
blood pressure normal
PM: 2 small Greek organic yogurt containers, 1/2 pill
After 6PM: popcorn, diet cola, 1/2 pill

Saturday, Nov. 28
AM: coffee and half and half, one banana
PM: 1/2 pill, one bowl of rice krispies, 3 eggs scrampled, 4 link sausage, 1 small light yogurt
After 6PM: decaffeinated coffee with half and half, one bowl of rice krispies with half and half, 1/2 pill

Sunday, Nov. 29
AM: 1/2 pill, coffee and half and half, one banana, one low fat, light yogurt
PM: 1 low fat, light yogurt, tomato soup with half and half, 2 low fat, light yogurt, cashews
After 6pm: decaffeinated coffee with half and half



Monday, November 16, 2009

Preventing Diabetes


I am a member of AARP and get a bulletin from them and in the November bulletin there was a small article about preventing diabetes the fun way. Well, I already have diabetes. I don't take insulin for it as I can still control it by my diet. Still, it interested me. If the information helped me prevent diabetes then it can help me control it.

It started by saying it could be fun. The thing is not to have a boring diet. The Harvard Medical School report states that drinking coffee cuts diabetes risk by up to 42 percent and that drinking alcohol drops diabetes risk by up to 43 percent. I am not going to take up alcohol, however coffee is an important part of my diet. Already I feel encouraged.

There are the old standbys such as fresh fruits and vegetables. I have already started to add them to my diet. I can't add grains, but I can add rice now and then. I have never really felt the need to cut down salt since I don't feel I eat all that much.

I have taken down some of my cookbooks and been reading some of the recipes. There is those who say that one should always eat even if you are not hungry. Well, I don't. I have some yogurt in the fridge in case I wait too long and get faint. I am going to fix some decaffeinated coffee, but I just can't think about food right now. I love the taste of butter and it does not have carbs. I got a terrific buy on gluten free waffles and have been eating them. I also have some soup in a carton that I have written about earlier. I bought extra since the price was so good. I can always heat some in the microwave. I also have some cashews although I had some yesterday and it does not look good to me now.