A Matter of Choice

It occurred to me as I wrote in my journal this morning that my choice of where to live was the first time it was not based on someone else's wishes. Every time I lived somewhere, it was because I had married someone who lived in a particular state, came out to California because a good friend came out to Redding to make a new life and I just followed for the same reason, went to Korea because that country asked me to, and on and on.

This time, I sat in Redding and wanted out of a house that was violated by an adult child and an ex-husband. Another son said to me that I could live anywhere I wanted to, anywhere in the United States or in the world for that matter. I love San Francisco but could never afford it and thought about Vancouver, Canada and even Tasmania, Australia. Then I thought about the one city I have always wanted to live in, Portland. It was not too far away so that my son could easily help me move for I knew I had to go in a short time. He had a truck.

I am a senior citizen. In Korea, I knew if I had medical needs I did not feel comfortable about going to Korean doctors for they did not treat some diseases such as diabetes very well or at least I did not see it treated as vigorously as I saw it treated elsewhere. I have celiac disease. Korean doctors have no training in this at all. I was hesitant about going to another country where I would not have medical benefits. Because of my Agent Orange exposure, I have had cancer several times. Luckily, I have been able to beat it with the doctors at the Veterans Administration. I even had ovarian cancer and that is a big killer for women. The VA medical system is an excellent medical system. The only complaints I have ever had was the mental health care for women.

Portland has a large and extensive V.A. Hospital. It also has a Veterans Affairs Center. I had been in Portland several times. I knew it was a beautiful city. I told my son that I needed to move to Portland and found an apartment on the Internet. My son showed me how you can use the Google Map System to look at the neighborhood and it looked great. I talked to one particular apartment complex and liked the manager. I went up Portland early and stayed at a motel and looked over the apartment, paid the deposit and my son drove my stuff up here.

When I was in Redding, I was always looking for a book club. Here in Portland, they are everywhere. Bookstores are everywhere and authors hold book signings all of the time even in grocery stores. I have always loved Powell's book stores. I still do.

Flowers and trees are everywhere in great abundance. It does rain more than it did in Redding, but it was beginning to really warm up in Redding and it gets very hot there and the air conditioner was turned on from time to time. Here, I don't even have one in my apartment. I did not have the heat on last night but turned on the heat briefly to take the coolness out of the apartment. I can have an air conditioner if I want, but I have a basement apartment and none of them have one although there are several third floor apartments that have one but those are very few and they are small units. Although I have a basement apartment I look out on flowers and trees at a regular height on one side of my place. There are no buildings looking back at me but just trees and sky. There is a small children's playground and a heated pool not far from my place.

I seemed to have lived in places where I stood out. I don't seem to anymore. I had friends in this area before I came and they had been my friends since the 1980's when I lived in the Midwest. I had moved to Redding with them, but they did not like it there and moved to Salem, Oregon. They will be retiring soon there. It is about 30 minutes from Portland. I did not want to live in Salem as it is too much like Topeka, Kansas.

I always lived in places that family members decided that was where they wanted to live. This time, I decided this is where I wanted to live. I had gotten used to doing what others wanted that it never occurred to do otherwise until my son told me I could. This time it wasn't a job, relative or anything else that decided for me where I needed to go. I went somewhere because I wanted to go. I always considered myself independent, but I have been raised a woman and a family's needs always came first. Not this time.

Powell's Bookstore

For me, the best bookstore in Portland is Powell's. I have been going downtown to the main bookstore, Powell's City of Books on Burnside, but I have trouble getting there and the parking is difficult and expensive although the store is wonderful. I love the coffee shop that is located inside. They have gluten free treats that are the best I have tasted in my life and terrific coffee. The basic price for parking is about five dollars, and I still have to walk quite a ways to the store. The parking garage is city owned and will not accept parking validation from the bookstore for some reason.

Yesterday, a friend came from Salem and we tried a new Powell's that is located at Cedar Hills Crossing. It is much closer to my apartment and easier to get to and there is no cost for parking. What is really wonderful is that there is nearby places to have lunch there. I like the store very much and there are many author events and even book clubs that are held there. Unfortunately, there is a downside to the place. There is no coffee shop although there is a nearby Starbucks but that coffee shop has no gluten free goodies. An employee said that the lease is up in a few years so no improvements such as a coffee shop are planned there.

There are plenty of chairs to sit. I used to go to Barnes and Noble in Redding and have been to the one up the street where I live. There are rarely enough chairs for people who want to sit and go through the books they want to buy. Powells believes in providing enough. I went through some yesterday before deciding on the one I did buy. I really appreciate having some place to sit and look over possible purchases. The Powell's City of Books has the same sitting resources and one can use the coffee shop for that purpose.

Powell's bookstores are wonderful because they have a very wide selection of books and they have both new and used books. They also have Internet services for people who live outside of the city. The second-hand books are in wonderful shape. It is a great savings. It helps the reader make his or her money stretch further.

I love bookstores especially the independent ones because they have more variety of books. They are not pushing the same books but have many that are put on the shelf for the reader to consider. I am an avid reader. I also like the older books too. I heard a author reading at Powell's recently by Ursula LeGuin and she was saying that she loved reading Jose de Sousa Saramamago especially his earlier books. He was more difficult to read but well worth staying with his books. He won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1998. You need a bookstore like Powell's to find his earlier titles.

When I was in the Powell bookstore yesterday, the place was buzzing with activity and there were plenty of people looking for books, sitting in the over-stuffed chairs reading and the cashiers were busy ringing up purchases. It felt good to be there. My friend who is also an avid reader bought some art books that he found. I am just glad I found a Powells that will not cost five or more dollars to visit.

Sundays

I like Sundays and this one comes at the end of my first month in my new home. This time last year I was in Korea. I am far happier here than there for an assortment of reasons although I ended up feeling that Korea was a "waking up" experience for me. I was very glad I went and would not have ended up here if I did not go. For one thing my house would not have been "purged" and I would not have felt abused by my own adult children. Here, I am on my own again.

Their father has moved into my house and is busy buying new appliances and getting to know his own grandchildren. This is not a bad turn of events. For some reason, he could not get to know his youngest son and his grandchildren until I was out of the picture. I have no idea why, and it is really none of my business anyhow. I like the saying: "Better late than never". I think it is appropriate here.

I like Sundays because I try and take time off from writing and just do the things that are pure enjoyment. I have run out of money but got a lot done this month. I think I will do some reading today. There is plenty of food in my apartment. I got a new dish washer although no one told me not to use the kitchen sink before it could be installed so that parts of the carpet that was completely dried out is now wet again. It is a small spot and not a big deal. The maintenance man said they will dry it out after the Memorial Day holiday. I said that would be fine. I felt bad about it though.

The weather report said it would rain today. When I was growing up in San Diego, if you didn't like the weather you popped into the car and drove over the mountains and into the desert providing it wasn't snowing. The only problem I had was I was so poor I never had a car and had to depend on others wanting to do the same. Now, I have a car and there is a desert of sorts in Eastern Oregon but not the same thing as the desert in California. I love the desert in that state and will miss it, but the gas has been getting so expensive anyhow. I just wish public transportation was better here in the USA as it is in other places. The president wants to improve it but is stymied by other political forces.

I know people and communicate via Internet and that has been good for me. I intend to be more involved with projects here in Portland next month. I am going to sign up for classes in art and exercise and other things depending on my other activities at home. I am a loner as most writers need to be by the nature of their chosen occupation. I have never found it difficult to find someone to talk to regarding books here in Portland. That fact alone made the move here well worth it. I have a friend name Ted who tells me that he has found Portland to be that way. He knows more than several writers here and will be here later in June to say hello to a few. He was here last month. He is in constant motion and has no real domicile. He writes memoirs that does very well. He drinks so much coffee that he is in danger of turning into a coffee cup or mug.

In Redding, I was always running into the religious right and members of the tea party. I have not done so here. The apartment manager has stated that no solicitation of any kind including religious is permitted in my complex so I will not be opening the door to any such as Jehovah Witnesses or Mormons anymore. That happened quite often in Redding. It also happened in Korea as well.

I am going to do more walking to different places as there are sidewalks on the streets and no loose dogs running around. I am very impressed with this. When I did see people walking in my neighborhood in Redding, they were carrying sticks and canes to protect themselves from the dogs. When I see people walking and jogging here, and this is often, I never see them carrying sticks or canes.

I have a friend named Wanda who lives in Los Angeles. I met her through my son years ago. She is convinced that I am far too optimistic about my life here in Portland. She writes these wonderful long letters. She does not indulge in the Internet which means she will never read my blogs. She is a widow and has a nice retirement based on her husband's long employment with the oil industry. She doesn't even own a computer. One of her adult children gave her a laptop and she gave it away to some organization. She doesn't use the phone that much either which is fine because I don't like to use the phone very much except for short conversations. It is all those years as a telephone operator I think. I keep wanting to transfer the call somewhere. She wanted me to move to LA. I never considered doing that at all. It was always Portland that I dreamed about moving to in all of the years I thought of moving.

For most of my working life, Sundays was just another working day. Then I got a job working for the state of California. That was nice. I could count on having Sundays off all of the time except when I was working for the union. Now, everyday is a day off although I wake up around six in the morning all of the time as I did this morning. I have gotten used to it. I also go to bed around midnight. I take a nap around noon. That is a new feature of my life, the noonday nap. My aunt when I lived with her would make us take a nap after lunch. She said it was because we were growing kids. Now, of course, I know it was because she needed one herself. I did not mind anyhow as I used that nap to read.

One of the first things I do when I wake up now is make myself a cup of coffee with one of those machines that make coffee one cup at a time. I try to drink only one caffeinated cup a day. I also like to have toast for breakfast and maybe yogurt. Here in Portland it is so easy to buy gluten free food. The nearest grocery store and within walking distance has several brands of bread that are gluten free and many of them I have never heard of before. They have other things in the store that are gluten free with labels saying "gluten free". There is a restaurant, Sherri's but I rarely go there as they don't have a gluten free menu and other restaurants do.

I used to think Redding was the nicest place to live because the people were friendly. I am glad to say that people in Portland are just as friendly. It is so rare to met rude people here except when they get behind the wheel and that is the case everywhere. What is it that turns people into monsters as soon as they get behind the wheel of a car? I was always told that the people in the Midwest were friendly. Not so or not in the Kansas City area. Sacramento, Los Angeles, San Diego and San Francisco in California was so so. Redding was very nice and Portland is very friendly. I lucked out there. Not all of Oregon seemed that friendly to me. I found Ashland to be very friendly but not Grants Pass. I have no idea why people are friendly in some cities and not in others. The people in Salem are very friendly as well. Of course, this is based on my experiences and hardly scientific.

I have written this before. When I first started to write this blog, I had no idea all of the things that would happen to me in just a few short years. I think I am healthier but still have a long way to go. I do know that I am healthier mentally and that is a giant step towards good health.

Picking up the Pieces

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again."
– Flavia Weedn

I found the above quote in one of those daily emails that I get with inspirational quotes. It seemed to work and took from it "Begin Again" as my theme for my new journal that I started May 24, 2011. Usually, I don't wait so long to establish a title for the current hand-written journal/notebook that I am working on.

A friend of mine who I have know for a long time says I seem to be too optimistic about everything. If I start at too high at a plateau, she says, I will just fall down into the valley. Wanda, not her real name and thank goodness never has discovered the wonder of the Internet, is my age but has a far less optimistic view of life than I do. She said that if I view Portland as a wonderful and fun place, I will just look more like a fool when I see what a dismal place all of the rain and lack of sun the city can be. Wanda has never been in Portland and lives in Los Angeles. I got all of this in a letter I got this morning. I think when the U.S. Post Office sees one of her hand-written letters snaking its way through their offices it is a cause to celebrate. Wanda is an awesome letter writer. I am not fond of that talent because it means I have to answer her letters by snail mail and not by the quick and sensible email. Sigh....

I was happy with Redding from 1989 until this month with the exception of 2010 when I was in Korea. Then quite a while before the subject of Korea came up, I had a feeling that Redding was not to be the end destination for me. I remember where I was, sitting in my car, looking at a gas station when that thought came floating from somewhere. I thought I would live the rest of my life in Redding and be carried out of my house in a box. Those things happen in my life. I suddenly get insights from out of nowhere and when I heard some country wanted me to teach for a year I just laid back and did nothing. I knew I was going. I cried when I saw Mt. Shasta beneath my plane on the way to Korea. I did not want to go, but it worked out so well for me.

When I returned, I was hoping I was wrong about being home. When I saw the empty house, the results of the purge of 2010, I did not want to be there anymore. I still tried to live there as I did before I left. It was no good. I heard my ex-husband was coming back. It was time to move and here I am in Portland where I have been wanting to come for some time. When I saw the city again this time, it felt so right. I never told Wanda of my flashes of the future. No doubt she would not understand. Many people would not.

I liked the above quote because it involved pieces of a dream. I have had dreams fall apart and the rule of thought to some is to put the dream back together and try and make it work. Sometimes it is not possible. Years ago, I wanted to be a famous writer and be known as an adventurous woman who climbed mountains and traveled everywhere. Well, that never happened and I am not going to climb mountains in this lifetime and have love affairs with all of the delicious young men I see from time to time. I am far too old for that. I am not unhappy for the decisions I have made, far from it. I am rather happy with the way things turned out. I like the idea of picking up some of the pieces of the dream and making it work, the pieces that are still possible. Its funny but I don't want to make love to all of the lovely young men I see anyhow anymore. As for traveling and climbing mountains, I have arthritis to contend with now and that does bother me. I envy people who can climb stairs, never mind about mountains.

Automobiles

When I came back from Korea in December 2010, my son had bought me a second-hand car with my money. It was a Honda Civic that someone had in their garage and never used anymore. It had a cracked windshield and faded paint job. He had the car checked out and replaced the windshield and had the car repainted. It gets wonderful gas mileage. I did not have a car in Korea.
I drove it home from Los Angeles to Redding and had no trouble with it.

I have the car with me here in Portland. If there is a problem, it is that I tend to use it instead of walking. The library is across the street and many people walk there, but I have been driving there instead. I have other places to go after the library and often to the store which is not far from the the library and again many people tend to walk there too from this apartment complex although they have a car. I don't. I really need to. In Korea, I would have.

I have not figured out the bus system yet. I see them everywhere and someone told me that they run every 30 or 40 minutes. Many people use the bus system especially if they are going downtown. I can understand that because it cost to park there. I have paid at least $5.00 to park for the few hours that I have gone there and I did not stay there very long. It is quite an incentive to learn the bus system. I am not far from the downtown area but the area of Portland is full of small towns and dead end streets.

My youngest adult child will be giving me a truck this summer if things work out so I will end up with two vehicles. I am looking forward to this as I am needing furniture for my apartment and can buy second-hand if I can transport my purchases. If I buy new, the companies will deliver; but I can buy so much more on my income if I have a truck. I am hoping the insurance won't break me. It gets 11 miles per gallon of gas so I won't be using it all that much.

As I wrote, the Honda that I have gets great mileage and I have been driving around Portland trying to find my way around and getting lost ever so often. The road rage that I experienced in Redding is just the same as I experience here in Portland although I wonder if my California license plates make some people irritable. Who knows?

The gas is cheaper here in Oregon than in California and you can't pump your own gas. I have to make sure I tell the attendant that I don't want the gas topped off. If it is, my car smells like gasoline for a week or so on the inside.

I know it all sounds a bit boring owning and driving a car, but for many years I could not afford a car and had to take the bus to different places. I have never gotten over the amount of freedom owning a car can give me. I hear people complain that friends are always asking for rides but I rarely have people ask for them. My son said people were always asking him to help them move with his truck. I don't think people will assume I own one. It got a bit dangerous walking in the dark and in deserted places years ago to bus stops and one time a bus driver saved my life when I was a teenager. This was in San Diego. Some guys in a car tried to force me into their car as I was exiting the bus. He pulled me back into the bus and closed the doors. This was a time before the buses had radios. He saw a sailor on a bus stop and gave him a dime to call the police. The car took off. I like being in a car now.

I live in a great neighborhood and never see dogs off a leash. People walk and jog around here. I wonder now why Redding could not make their neighborhoods safer by picking up the dogs that ran around without leashes. People complained as I did and they said they would come out only if someone was in the process of being attacked. One of my neighbors took his gun and shot a dog that was attacking his grandson. It was a large pit bull. I am afraid of large dogs off of leashes. I should walk. Maybe some day I will.

New Theme

I have started a new journal and need a theme for it. I have not found it yet. I wanted one that symbolizes my move to Portland, OR at the beginning of May and how it is a new life for me. I started many new lives; but I have done it enough now so thinking it will last forever is a fantasy. The theme of my last journal was “Believe” and it was based on a quote from the Buddha (Gautama) about never believing anyone until you run it through your heart and mind even if it something from him. That is one of my favorite quotes from the Buddha. It was the last journal that I had bought from Korea. This journal was bought in Ashland, OR when I was there in April, 2011 to see some plays with a dear friend. It was a wonderful time and an important precursor to my time here in Portland. I like to think of life as a roaring river and I am on a raft going down and watching what happens on the banks. Another vision that I have of life is of a train racing down a track in which there is a sudden stop when the track ends. To me, it wasn’t that long ago I was a kid of six or seven years of age watching people walk past my parents fenced yard when people used to walk places instead of driving in cars. When I lived in my house in Redding, it was rare to see people walk past my fenced yard nor see many kids play in the street. Standing in my parents yard, I would see the world go by and now I am a senior citizen. So much has changed to the outer world and to my inner world. On the comment pages, people write WTF which means ‘what the fu*k’ to represent their surprise at something and to get around the obscenity rules. Other people say nothing ever changes. Every day, something changes in my world, WTF…. I did not like the underlying reasons on why I moved here to Portland. My grown children and ex-husband “purged” my house while I was in Korea; but I am glad I am here. I like it here and find this city more compatible. I am planning on taking some art classes soon. I tried to take some in Redding but couldn’t find any. Here, there are plenty to choose from. I like the overabundance of book clubs. I have selected one already. I like author’s events and the large number of bookstores to go to. There are free lectures on many subjects one can attend. I just have to figure out how to get there without getting lost. I pay less money for a two bedroom apartment in a very nice neighborhood than I did for a house in which I lived in one bedroom. I have my own kitchen and no one to interfere with my doing anything I want to do. It is very quiet here. The only noise I do hear is the occasional sound of someone walking upstairs. Sometimes kids play on the slide and swing outside but that is rare and I can barely hear them. For me, the noise I hate is loud music with that heavy bass sound. The only music I hear is my own. I play it loud enough to hear and it is classical or “new age”. I have made friends already. There is a delightful library across the street and a store that sells gluten free food and all within walking distance. I was yelled at by my grown children. No one does this anymore. It is not perfect here. My car insurance rates are based, in part, on my credit rating and my paying uninterrupted car insurance. I was in Korea and did not have a car so this counts against me. I am hoping in time for my insurance goes down. There is no sales tax which is wonderful. I have been self-supporting all of my life since the age of 16. I did not like being questioned about my spending by my grown children. I am no longer questioned. I supported them when they were growing up and I did not always get child support. It was not easy being a single parent although their father was there in their lives although not always financially. He has a fairly good relationship with them now although he is not as healthy as he used to be and one of my sons readily admits that his mind is going. Mine is fine. I just have arthritis that makes it painful to get around at times although the more I move around the better I am. I take over the counter meds for pain. I take only one prescription medication for something minor. I realize that I am lucky. I have more string to have this chance for another life. My aunt lived to be over a hundred and at my age she was going full steam. She had a relative take all that she had before she died. I just hope I can keep it from happening again to me. I can detach and stop from being angry and forgive; however, I can take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again although I have no idea what steps they can be. I don’t have a house anymore and my money stops at my death. I don’t have anything to take anymore, but I could build again. Who knows? I will just have to live each day as it comes and as mindfully as I can. Still, today I am enjoying my new life.

Salem, Oregon

I spent the weekend in Salem, Oregon with a friend that I had since the 1980's. We met in Kansas City, Mo when I worked there in the Kansas City, MO Veterans Hospital while attending graduate school at the University of Kansas. I was also introduced to a book club there that I liked very much and joined it. They read books that are not main stream and by authors that I have not read before. The one that they discussed was Tom Spanbauer and his book, "The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon." My friend gave me his copy of the book so I can read it.

Tom Spanbauer is the creator of a new school of writing called "dangerous writing". He lives here in Portland and I have never heard of it before or "dangerous writing" . I find it interesting. The New York Times said: "The miracle of the novel is that it obliges us to rethink our whole idea of narration and history and myth...Spanbauer captures the music of the mind and the body." Everyone in the book club found the book interesting and thought it had something to say. I am going to try to read it myself.

I am still in the throes of trying to get around Portland and although I had the driving instructions on how to get to my friend's house, I had trouble just finding I-5 highway south and got lost several times trying to get out of Portland but readily found his house once I got to Salem. I had been there several times when I lived in Redding; but it has been a while since I had driven up there since my last car had been slowly dying. My current car does not have any current health issues.

I am going to try and straighten out my auto insurance today although I am in a quantry as to whether I should try and get my Oregon driver's license first or insurance. I think I will try for the insurance since I have only a week to get Oregon AAA insurance. I have California AAA. I have not been happy with the Southern California AAA since I have not received my AAA card nor my insurance card as yet. I did find the AAA insurance company up here while I was looking for the nearest Fred Myers store which I like very much.

I might drive to the DMV and get my book and fill out the necessary paperwork for the driver's license. The manual is on line, but I had reading on line and do not want to download it as it would use up ink to do so. The nearest full service DMV is downtown Portland and I live on the outskirts of Portland.

The red flowers outside my bedroom window are now in full bloom. They were only buds when I first moved in and now fully opened. I don't know what they are, but they are beautiful. In Portland, there are flowers everywhere. I have been watching the weather for it was supposed to thunder and rain today, but so fair it has only been overcast.

Secrets

As I have mentioned before, I am reading Pat Conroy's book, "My Reading Life" (Doubleday:2010). As it happens, I have been writing about about secrets in my journal. In his discussions about Thomas Wolfe who I admire as well, Conroy states: "Like good students of literature, we (Conroy and his mother) began to make the comparisons and reach the conclusions that would both enrich and complicate our lives. " (pg 254)

Wolfe had a father who was an alcoholic and although Conroy and his mother differed in their interpretation of Wolfe's father, it gave both of them the avenue to discuss a previously taboo subject and that was the violence of Conroy's own father. Conroy felt that Wolfe in his fiction gave him the means to begin the long process of healing and of learning how not to hate his own father for it was apparent that Wolfe loved his father even though he was an out of control alcoholic. As Conroy said: "Literature can do many things; sometimes it can even do the most important things. " (pg 255) Conroy's mother thought of Wolfe's father a figure of high comedy while Conroy thought of him as a violent man. This is an opinion that I, myself, share for I have also read all of Wolfe's books.

In Joseph Gold's book, "Read For Your Life"(Godwit:1990), the author states that many of us read stories as an effective method of withdrawing from the turbulence of worldliness and getting at the reality of of one's own consciousness. For me reading does that and then I continue this process in my journals. I began to see in my journal entries of my teenage years that I had many secrets and yearnings that were similar to Pat Conroy's although different. I had a father who was a violent man and beat up on all of us in the family as Conroy's father had done. There are differences. Conroy loved and respected him. I felt none of those emotions.

In my teenage years, I use the journal to try and escape who I was for I was afraid of my imagination and wanted to control my emotions. I have learned since then that there is no way one can control one's emotions but to let them out in acceptable ways. I was afraid of the stories that I had in my head for I was trying to mature without the presence of parents. I no longer feel that way.

Still, it is always amazing that the one person we know the least about is the self we carry with us everyday. Carl G. Jung, the great Swiss therapist, worked all of his long life to uncover who he was but said before he died that he never did understand all that he was. I use the journals to try to learn who I am and I am always seeing some new aspect of the self or have a dream that gives me an hint of some unconscious feature that I did not conscious know. Each of us are all in this fix of trying to figure out who we are and never really knowing for sure as we change from one moment to the other.

Still, I think it is important that we try. Whenever I do uncover some secret that I kept from the self it gives me more freedom to expand who I am into other areas and to figure out more of the inner self who is me. I know that as a teen, I used to twist and turn in agony and pain from my life. The work I have been doing has given me relief from all that. I am at peace for the most part although when I am not I explore the reason behind it and find out why I am making myself miserable. I know it will be another secret that I am keeping from myself.

It would not be a simple matter of just uncovering all of the secrets but there are good reasons they are secrets. The self can't always accept what is hidden. Sometimes the truth is too much to accept so it must be discovered in stages. I call the barriers in the way, "sentinels", who raise their hands and say "stop" until I can accept the truth I have found so far. They are there to protect the self from doing too much damage by exposing oneself to too much truth too soon. When I first heard of the notion of "dropping acid" or LSD I knew I would never try that avenue of truth seeking. That was seeing all of the truth in too fast and too soon of a form. Besides, I have an active imagination and don't need help seeing wondrous things.

I often lack the confidence of believing in my own vision. I let others convince me of their truths and let them convince me that their truths are more truer than mine. Or, if I share my secrets they use those secrets against me. That happened to me once. I never did that again. I told some secrets to a therapist who wrote them down in my medical records and my supervisor checked them out and read them. I will never do that again. There has to be a happy medium. The one person we should strive towards not having secrets is ourselves and even that is not possible. Still, I try.

Conroy in his book had his mother to help him with his discoveries and his reading life as well as his writing. He also had a great English teacher. I also had people along the way that helped me discover my pathway. I don't want to lose the sense of wonderment when I discover things about the inner self when I uncover them in reading and writing. It might sound egotistical but as my aunt as always saying, "there you have it." I also don't want to shy away what is true for me too.

Whiskeytown Lake

When I lived in Redding, CA, I used to go to the lake and sit in my car and write often with a cup of coffee from Starbucks. Sometimes, I even went to the lake in the rain because the park was with its surrounding mountains and wonderful views of the lake which was often different depending on the weather seemed interesting to watch from the different places I have found especially in the seasons when tourists were scarce.

It costs five dollars to visit this federal park but I had a pass that let me in for free based on my veteran status. Seniors get in for free as well. It had one additional feature other than the abundant wildlife such as birds, bears, mountain lions, I never suffered from hay fever when I was up there. As soon as I drove through the old town of Old Shasta which doubled as a state park, my hay fever just stopped.

On occasions because I did not have access to a kitchen, I went to a deli at a grocery store on the way to the park and bought some food that I could eat up there. The store would distinguish what they had from non-gluten and gluten items and the bakery often had non-gluten items. It was heaven on earth to be able to shop there. The prices were economical. The staff friendly and informative.

Now, that I live in Portland, I don't know of any place that is like Whiskeytown Lake. I find that I don't need to go as much as I used to when I lived in Redding. For one thing, I live alone and if I don't want to see anyone I don't have to. I have access to a kitchen all of the time. When I open the blinds, there is no one looking in as there are no apartments or windows looking back at me. There are only trees and sky. There is a playground but I have seen a few kids there only once and it was a nine or so year old girl reading on a slide. There is a heated pool not far from my apartment but I can't see it from my place. I have never heard anyone using it. I hear people above me walking around but that is about it.

I had to ask myself why I needed to go to Whiskeytown in Redding two or three times a week and the desire on my part to find a place that is wild and scenic is just not present or at least not as yet. I have been here since May 3rd. That is two weeks. I feel comfortable and at home. I am not homesick for a place I have lived in for the last 22 years. When I left for Korea, I cried when I saw Mt. Shasta, but I don't miss it now. I do miss my grandchildren though. If I really wanted to go and visit them I could go down there for a visit. My youngest son said they might come up here this summer for a visit.

Whiskeytown was a special place for me. I drew many sketches of it and have pictures of it in my phone. I found many places I could sit in my car and read and listen to music. I stopped walking the trails when people stopped using leashes for their dogs. I have a fear of large unleashed dogs. There used to be more rangers up there but budget cuts have seen less of them and so it means more people disregarding the rules.

I could not walk around my neighborhood for the large number of loose dogs either and one neighbor shot one of them that attacked one of his grandchildren. Here I see many people walking and I have not seen any loose dogs at all. I do see dogs but they are on leashes. I don't see people taking dogs into stores as I was beginning to see in Redding. I asked a store manager in Redding why he allowed people to bring in their dogs and he said that it was too much trouble to ask them to leave. It wasn't just one store. One was a Starbucks in Barnes and Noble, but at least those were dogs being held. They were not service dogs and all service dogs are on leashes.

I saw many extraordinary things in Whiskeytown and I think that may have been because of the vortex that is located there at a nearby Crystal falls. Many of the things I have experienced, I seen in the company of others, some alone. I have seen things in which people have grabbed cameras and got excited and called people on their cell phones such as a huge flock of snow geese coming over the mountains and landing on the lake. I saw that only once. Unusual silver fish that were huge jumping out of the lake in threes. I saw that with other people. The ghost train which many people hear but never see. I have heard that train many times. I could go on.

I will miss that place. It was the place I first went to when I found out I could retire from the state of California realizing a dream I had all of my life. I remember looking at that lake and seeing my freedom from regular employment on its shores and a whole new way of life for me. I can still feel the extraordinary sense of joy and wonder at that. I have worked since the age of 15 years without a break. Even when I had my children I took only a few days off to have them.

I missed Whiskeytown in Korea and headed out to the lake when I got back to Redding. Now, I am not there and there is no desire to go anywhere. I was thinking of going to the ocean next month if my finances are in order. I have driven around the area especially when I have been lost and it is very beautiful but I have not found anything like Whiskeytown. I knew the lake was special and that I was lucky to have it so close to where I lived.

I bought an atlas of the state and it is still in my car and there are the Google maps on the Internet. I have not been here that long. I feel good about this move and about the people that I have met. I have always identified with the fictional character, Tigger, from Winnie the Pooh. I tend to jump around and get excited and want to do everything at once. I will just have to take some breaths and wait to see what this area is all about as I did when I lived in Redding.