Saturday, July 23, 2011


I woke up late this morning or late for me. The sun was streaming into my bedroom window at 7 am. When I went to sleep last night I was thoroughly depressed. I had taken a cat scan yesterday and I am waiting for the results. I did not see how I could feel better. I woke up feeling better much to my surprise.

I always say or even write that it is a plus to wake up at all. Well, it is easy to say that when one does not have a real reason not to wake up. These days I have some health reasons and the big unknown sitting on the horizon. Still, I am not in any pain. I have been in this position before. I never get used to it. Still, I am not depressed this morning. The sunshine helps.

I am listening to a series of classical music from Rhapsody of different selections that are very nice. The series of selections are about seven hours long and are supposed to help you get through the day. I have not listened to them before. I have recently discovered the playlist central. I don't always search around the two music services I subscribe to as I am a person of habit. I find something I like and then stick to them. I like baroque music in the morning and different kinds in the afternoon but usually instrumental as I like my music in the background and not to be a distraction. I don't like easy listening as it reminds me of being in an elevator.

Last night, nothing would get me out of my depression, not even music. I watched a grade B movie that might have been a made for television film with Katherine Hepburn in it. It was probably one of the last she ever made. The people in the film with her were those I never heard of before but it was about an elderly woman with grown up children who were waiting for their mother to die so they could inherit her money and property. She decided to get married instead and they were upset with her as she married her doctor. He was an elderly man who was lonely too. There were echoes of my life except I am not rich although I feel it. I have everything I want except servants as she did. I looked it up and it was a television movie called "Mrs. Delafield Wants to Marry (1986)" Frankly, I am glad I don't. Even her neighbor got into it as he had retired with his wife and he did not want her to change either. It was the one bright spot in my life last night.

Glancing out my window, I think being alive is preferable than being dead. So many people I have known in the past are now under the sod. That is not odd or unique. We are all in that position. I just don't feel so different than when I did when I was nine years old. I look in the mirror and I have to say "what the hell happened?". There is this old lady looking back at me. Or I am talking to someone who says to me that they always had respect for the elderly and I am thinking "are they talking about me?" WHF?

Maybe that is why we all yearn for heaven or some place where things stay the same. Where my children don't grow up and get older than me. I was in the VA hospital yesterday and none of the doctors are middle aged let alone closer to my age. They are like me, retired or worse deceased. The doctor who operated on me in 1970 died ten years later. He was not that much older than me. I never told him "thank you".

I think some of us get so depressed because there is so little in life that we are in control of, have any knowledge about. We are taught that teachers have the answers, doctors can cure us, writers and professors are wise and religious leaders know all about god. Our leaders in congress don't give a damn about any of us and have as much education and knowledge as my five year old grandson although not as much heart otherwise they would not be doing what they are doing now. We run around sprouting hatred towards each other when the real person we hate is ourselves. No one really knows anything. We really have to find our own answers and that is hard.

Looking into the sunshine of this morning, that is what I needed to do. I needed to find meaning in my life and in today. I have no choice and we are all given resources for doing that. It is all inside each of us. It is so simple we forget. It is a matter of watching the leaves in the breezes, the squirrels playing in the trees which is what I am doing and listening to the crows cawing somewhere.It is sometimes called meditation. I am drinking a wonderful cup of coffee and drinking a glass of juice. Grocery Outlet had Naked Juice on sale for one dollar a piece and I never tasted them before. They are wonderful. It is the small things of life that come our way from time to time that make it all worth while.

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