I have started a new journal and need a theme for it. I have not found it yet. I wanted one that symbolizes my move to Portland, OR at the beginning of May and how it is a new life for me. I started many new lives; but I have done it enough now so thinking it will last forever is a fantasy.
The theme of my last journal was “Believe” and it was based on a quote from the Buddha (Gautama) about never believing anyone until you run it through your heart and mind even if it something from him. That is one of my favorite quotes from the Buddha. It was the last journal that I had bought from Korea. This journal was bought in Ashland, OR when I was there in April, 2011 to see some plays with a dear friend. It was a wonderful time and an important precursor to my time here in Portland.
I like to think of life as a roaring river and I am on a raft going down and watching what happens on the banks. Another vision that I have of life is of a train racing down a track in which there is a sudden stop when the track ends. To me, it wasn’t that long ago I was a kid of six or seven years of age watching people walk past my parents fenced yard when people used to walk places instead of driving in cars. When I lived in my house in Redding, it was rare to see people walk past my fenced yard nor see many kids play in the street. Standing in my parents yard, I would see the world go by and now I am a senior citizen. So much has changed to the outer world and to my inner world. On the comment pages, people write WTF which means ‘what the fu*k’ to represent their surprise at something and to get around the obscenity rules. Other people say nothing ever changes. Every day, something changes in my world, WTF….
I did not like the underlying reasons on why I moved here to Portland. My grown children and ex-husband “purged” my house while I was in Korea; but I am glad I am here. I like it here and find this city more compatible. I am planning on taking some art classes soon. I tried to take some in Redding but couldn’t find any. Here, there are plenty to choose from. I like the overabundance of book clubs. I have selected one already. I like author’s events and the large number of bookstores to go to. There are free lectures on many subjects one can attend. I just have to figure out how to get there without getting lost.
I pay less money for a two bedroom apartment in a very nice neighborhood than I did for a house in which I lived in one bedroom. I have my own kitchen and no one to interfere with my doing anything I want to do. It is very quiet here. The only noise I do hear is the occasional sound of someone walking upstairs. Sometimes kids play on the slide and swing outside but that is rare and I can barely hear them. For me, the noise I hate is loud music with that heavy bass sound. The only music I hear is my own. I play it loud enough to hear and it is classical or “new age”. I have made friends already. There is a delightful library across the street and a store that sells gluten free food and all within walking distance.
I was yelled at by my grown children. No one does this anymore. It is not perfect here. My car insurance rates are based, in part, on my credit rating and my paying uninterrupted car insurance. I was in Korea and did not have a car so this counts against me. I am hoping in time for my insurance goes down. There is no sales tax which is wonderful.
I have been self-supporting all of my life since the age of 16. I did not like being questioned about my spending by my grown children. I am no longer questioned. I supported them when they were growing up and I did not always get child support. It was not easy being a single parent although their father was there in their lives although not always financially. He has a fairly good relationship with them now although he is not as healthy as he used to be and one of my sons readily admits that his mind is going. Mine is fine. I just have arthritis that makes it painful to get around at times although the more I move around the better I am. I take over the counter meds for pain. I take only one prescription medication for something minor.
I realize that I am lucky. I have more string to have this chance for another life. My aunt lived to be over a hundred and at my age she was going full steam. She had a relative take all that she had before she died. I just hope I can keep it from happening again to me. I can detach and stop from being angry and forgive; however, I can take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again although I have no idea what steps they can be. I don’t have a house anymore and my money stops at my death. I don’t have anything to take anymore, but I could build again. Who knows? I will just have to live each day as it comes and as mindfully as I can. Still, today I am enjoying my new life.