Saturday, May 28, 2011

Picking up the Pieces

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again."
– Flavia Weedn

I found the above quote in one of those daily emails that I get with inspirational quotes. It seemed to work and took from it "Begin Again" as my theme for my new journal that I started May 24, 2011. Usually, I don't wait so long to establish a title for the current hand-written journal/notebook that I am working on.

A friend of mine who I have know for a long time says I seem to be too optimistic about everything. If I start at too high at a plateau, she says, I will just fall down into the valley. Wanda, not her real name and thank goodness never has discovered the wonder of the Internet, is my age but has a far less optimistic view of life than I do. She said that if I view Portland as a wonderful and fun place, I will just look more like a fool when I see what a dismal place all of the rain and lack of sun the city can be. Wanda has never been in Portland and lives in Los Angeles. I got all of this in a letter I got this morning. I think when the U.S. Post Office sees one of her hand-written letters snaking its way through their offices it is a cause to celebrate. Wanda is an awesome letter writer. I am not fond of that talent because it means I have to answer her letters by snail mail and not by the quick and sensible email. Sigh....

I was happy with Redding from 1989 until this month with the exception of 2010 when I was in Korea. Then quite a while before the subject of Korea came up, I had a feeling that Redding was not to be the end destination for me. I remember where I was, sitting in my car, looking at a gas station when that thought came floating from somewhere. I thought I would live the rest of my life in Redding and be carried out of my house in a box. Those things happen in my life. I suddenly get insights from out of nowhere and when I heard some country wanted me to teach for a year I just laid back and did nothing. I knew I was going. I cried when I saw Mt. Shasta beneath my plane on the way to Korea. I did not want to go, but it worked out so well for me.

When I returned, I was hoping I was wrong about being home. When I saw the empty house, the results of the purge of 2010, I did not want to be there anymore. I still tried to live there as I did before I left. It was no good. I heard my ex-husband was coming back. It was time to move and here I am in Portland where I have been wanting to come for some time. When I saw the city again this time, it felt so right. I never told Wanda of my flashes of the future. No doubt she would not understand. Many people would not.

I liked the above quote because it involved pieces of a dream. I have had dreams fall apart and the rule of thought to some is to put the dream back together and try and make it work. Sometimes it is not possible. Years ago, I wanted to be a famous writer and be known as an adventurous woman who climbed mountains and traveled everywhere. Well, that never happened and I am not going to climb mountains in this lifetime and have love affairs with all of the delicious young men I see from time to time. I am far too old for that. I am not unhappy for the decisions I have made, far from it. I am rather happy with the way things turned out. I like the idea of picking up some of the pieces of the dream and making it work, the pieces that are still possible. Its funny but I don't want to make love to all of the lovely young men I see anyhow anymore. As for traveling and climbing mountains, I have arthritis to contend with now and that does bother me. I envy people who can climb stairs, never mind about mountains.

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