Honesty

I was reading about enthusiasm on The Tiny Buddha and enjoyed it tremendously. I wrote a response that I have always had a lot of enthusiasms and been criticized for it through the years. I have learned not to be to enthusiastic in the morning, for example, before people have their first cup of coffee or to leave my dancing shoes in the closet if people around me are moping around. Again, I just assumed that there was something wrong about me that I would get so many people mad at me for just feeling good and bouncing around like Tigger in Winnie the Pooh.

The time I spent in Korea taught me that there is nothing wrong with me and in all honestly there is nothing wrong with those who criticized me. The problem as I see it was that I accepted their complaints about me as valid. Not so, not by a long shot. I am lucky. A friend of mine said I probably feel good because I have two spleens which is true. Whatever the reason, even when I am feeling down, I never feel deep down in the basement, below the earth, gray-black down. Sure, I get depressed and can write myself out of it. I never take medication. I don't have to. I have other problems, but I feel good most of the time.

Years ago, I had some stomach cramps that just would not stop, so I was given medication that made me feel as if I was crawling on the ground. My husband at the time said that I was living the life most of the rest of the earth was feeling. I threw the meds away and never looked back. I found out later that I had Celiac Disease. I stopped eating gluten and no longer have the stomach cramps.

I am not saying that all of us should have enthusiasms. I am just saying that we should not accept criticisms of other people. Now, when people make complaints about me in some way, I consider the source and am more objective about the content of the statement. One time, a friend complained that I drank too much coffee; but I love coffee and it keeps me from eating food. I would rather drink a cup of coffee any day than eat food which puts the pounds on me easily. I am drinking coffee as I write this. I looked up the studies of the effects of coffee and found nothing to justify lessening my intake. He said I should drink coffee at such places as Burger King instead of paying high prices at Starbucks. I rarely buy coffee at Starbucks anymore since I got my Keurig coffee maker. Now when he talks about coffee, I turn off. I love my friend but he has a blind spot regarding coffee. The same goes for saccharine. He was convinced it was horrendous for one's health. Current studies show it is not. I just say nothing but I use the product. He is enthusiastic about his prejudices. I don't have to accept his, but I don't "correct" his either.

Regret

Someone told me that the worse thing that you could do to yourself is to regret things you did and things you did not do. When I lived in Korea, I had plenty of time to do meditation and there were volumes of things I regretted in my life. Well, since I did not have books to read, movies to watch, people to talk with and after a while I had time to spare I started to meditate on those huge lists of things not done and things I wasted doing for so many years. I went into it intending to learn to live with my own actions. I came out of it with an astonishing discovery. I did not waste any of my time.

Growing up, I had plenty of people who were willing to tell me what I was doing wrong. My mother said I dreamed too much. Another relative said I wanted too much. Still others said I ate too much. There were no shortage of people who told me I was doing a whole host of things too much. It's funny but few if any people ever told me what I was doing right and in fact I have no memory of anyone telling me that I did this or that right. (I made sure I told my children and students what they were doing right not only once but many times.)

For everything that I was doing too much, I discovered by doing different forms of meditation there were some important and positive results that came out of it that now plays an important part in my life. For instance, I daydream too much was one complaint. What came out of it was the ability to put a credible story together with strong characterization and plot. I am a better writer thanks to that activity. I never run out of plots. I always just sit down and start to write and the story unfolds before my eyes. I get writer's block but not because I don't have a story to tell.

No one went beyond high school in my immediate family except me. I was told I wanted too much. I pushed myself to get through high school after quitting and then obtained several degrees and then retired with four pensions. I fell down but I always picked myself up because I wanted to be my own person and not have someone support me. I was able to retire early on my own resources. Of course, I lived during a time when this was possible, but I entered the work force in 1962 and that wasn't easy. I wasn't from a family that helped or supported me through college. I had to do it myself. I wasn't even brilliant. It sounds like I am bragging, but I am not. I have the scars to prove it.

I ate too much because I was overweight. I did not know that I had health issues that created my overweight. The overweight helped me achieve my goals because I could not depend on my looks or charms. I had to do it the hard way. I also could not marry success either which was not what I wanted to do.

So all of the things that I thought I regretted were lucky breaks for me. Even the dysfunctional family background gave me the courage to do things on my own and not depend on family and inherited wealth to give me what I wanted out of life. I think if we listen to what people tell us are the negative things about us, we are missing the good things about our lives because what I am writing here are some of the same things in other people's lives.

I know a man who was a Olympic medal winning gymnast who had a successful business who suffered a major stroke after he left his wife and five kids for a younger woman. She left him when he could not do the things he used to do and had to have help just moving around. His kids eventually forgave him for leaving their mother who found a new life living on her own. He began life as a Buddhist and was happier. He felt so unhappy for his huge mistake and carried it around him on his back especially since he had one child with the woman who left him until he realized that it was lucky for him that the stroke happened for he was happier and closer to his children including the one who came to live with him as her mother gave her up too. He told me he had to log lots of hours in meditation until he realized how lucky he was.

He still can't run the marathons he used to or do the things he did before the stroke, but if he concentrated on that instead of the other things that came into this life he would still be bitter and unhappy. He is much happier and is a staff writer for a Buddhist magazine for half the money. His first wife took half the business in the settlement and is happy running it. He lost his half when he had his stroke.

Is my life totally happy? No, I came home to find out my ex-husband stripped my house clean instead of remodeling it. I have a pile of trash in my yard that I have to pay to get rid of. I am spending my savings just replacing the stuff he took to his home or threw away. Yet, I am happier and more content. Material goods are not as important as the self. I think my kids are better off when I was gone and my son who lives in my house has a new partner and has made some improvements in his financial situation. I am not wasting my time regretting things that are not anything that I should regret. We make our choices and most of the time, we do get it right.

Imperfection

I was reading today's selection from "The Tiny Buddha" and it was about "Tiny Flaws". It was a rather optimistic piece about each of us wanting to improve ourselves which is true, but that there is so much that is good and great about ourselves that we have a lot less to change than we think. I really like that.

One of the things I learned in Korea was that the huge inventory that I kept in my head of all of my mistakes weren't really mistakes at all. They were necessary lessons I needed to learn on the way of being who I am today. It was an amazing discovery. I think it is part of our Christian Heritage (no offense to Christian readers) that each of us are taught how imperfect each of us are. It was a wonderful revelation to learn that we are not centers of sin and mistakes. We do things right. I did things right and that even the egotistical stages that I went through were necessary so that I could learn what I needed to learn to be me.

Each of the qualities that we have, we learned from lessons in life. That does not mean we don't change from experiencing those events or going through those interactions from people; but it does mean we don't have to cringe from the ugliness of some sort of sin. It is the beauty of life that washes over us each and every day. Each of us may have universals, but we are also unique. That is the beauty of this life. That is the miracle of existence.

There is a quote on the site of "The Little Buddha": "The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Imperfection for me was putting all sorts of rules on myself because I did not think very much of my self-worth. I now know it is not true. There is nothing wrong with me and I have lots of self-worth and don't need the levels of self-imposed perfection. I am even going to mix my metaphors here. The cage door of my soul is open as well as my heart and I am walking out. If I was to look at the door of the cage I would have seen that there never was a lock there in the first place.

Eating healthy

Since coming home to Redding, it has been a struggle to eat a healthy diet. In Korea, it was easy. I had a landlady who had vegetables and fruits for her boarders and passed them out to everyone and I went out often to Home Plus where I drank coffee and ate healthy even in fast food restaurants. Here, it is not so easy.

I ate food I should not have eaten. I ate chips and that is not good. I drank coffee with milk and that is not so bad. I felt bad. My body was not functioning as well as it should. I went into the kitchen and got out the crock pot that got absorbed by my son's family and asked if I could borrow it for the rest of the week. They said it was fine since they are eating their favorite holiday food, pizza. The first thing I ate was Southwest Chili and it was not only healthy but so easy to make.

It had 2 cans of black beans, 2 cans of chili beans, 1 can of corn, one can of chopped tomatoes, one green pepper, one large onion and browned ground turkey and chili powder. Put the everything in a crock pot and turn it on for four hours on high or six hours on low. I got all of the canned stuff organic on sale and even bought the onion and green pepper organic. It was absolutely delicious and cheap to make. I put a little garlic in it. My body said thank you in the only way a body does, it felt satisfied.

I am also back at work here in my room. I am keeping my own hours and I finally know how to operate my new computer and can sit in bed with the lap top while the small heater warms up my room. The sound system even sounds great. I have been listening to music from this laptop while in Korea. I am going to buy some speakers from my grandson whenever he remembers to bring them over.

It is amazing when one is in control of one's life how enjoyable it can be. Controlling what one puts in the stomach is great and it makes the body feel good.

Rain again

I have been back for a week from Korea, and it has been raining steadily for a week. It rained all of the way up when I drove from Los Angeles to Northern California. I am also listening to the wind as it moves the trees and everything out there next to my bedroom window. In my ignorance, I had planned on taking long walks to keep up with my exercise that I did in Korea. Now, I park my car in the outer reaches of parking lots so I can walk to the doors of the stores and businesses I have to visit.

I was thinking about joining the Mall Walkers after the New Year since the Mall is covered. I can just walk round and round looking at the stores which are closed early in the morning. Normally, I don't shop in the mall. There are no stores there that I patronize. Normally, I would be thinking about walking the Sacramento River Trail but not in this weather. There are a few things that happen around here that involve walking such as history walks, but again the weather is not conducive to it.

As for food, I will be getting a new crock pot since my old one has been absorbed into my son's family. It was the biggest they make anyhow and far too big for my needs. I like making soup during the winter months. I don't think I am eating balanced meals. I am planning on doing that at the first of the month. I am going to stock up on some supplies too. I noticed a store that I normally don't go to has some good prices on evaporated milk. I will stock up on cans of evaporated milk so I don't have to worry about keeping an eye on the milk's expiration dates. I will buy veggies and fruit and whatever for my soup as I go along. I might buy some fruit. I had gotten out of the practice of buying bananas since the ones in Korea get little black flies which filled my apartment. Someone told me that the US Customs spray the bananas coming into this country for that, but Korea does not.

If things work out with the crock pot, I might extend the use of it into Spring and Summer. Once I have something worked out, I don't like spending any amount of time in the kitchen especially since I have to share a kitchen with my son's family. There doesn't seem to be any problems in that area, but I want to work out a system in which I spend as little time as possible there and still plan and cook healthy meals for myself. It is the exercise plans that is a worry especially with all of this rain.

I am reading a book by Malcolm Gladwell entitled "What the Dog Saw" which is very good. The point of the book is that one has to step "out of the box" so to speak and see something from another point of view such as the perspective of the dog hence the title. I really think there is a answer to my problem exercise. I just have to give it more thought.

It still great to be home.

Detachments Again

It was so easy to write about detaching from one's grown up children but another thing entirely doing it. Too bad, one cannot buy special glue for the mouth that when applied certain things or subjects cannot be said. I am trying, and I guess that it all I can hope for. Of course, the grown up children are already in denial for any change they see in me. I remember that saying of Mark Twain that never gets worn down: "Denial is not a river in Egypt." The saying is for me not my children.

Life continues to be great although the rain continues to fall here in the North State of California. The last time I remembered this much rain is when I moved here in 1998 or so. I could not drive to Oregon to visit relatives as much as I wanted to because of the snow in the mountains. Then the drought came and I could drive as much as I wanted to without worry about snow storms. Those relatives are now gone to better places and I miss them terribly. I guess it was good that I was able to visit them.

I did some last minute shopping for grandchildren and parked at the end of the parking lots so I could walk since I was driving. I have a new car now since the last one has also gone to a better place and is about two inches tall.

I am going to try and drive up to a favorite lake today since I have been able to get some needed things done. Everyone is shopping and not visiting the DMV or Veterans Administration Clinic. I was able to get a flu shot. There is a lot of magic in the world, but there are a lot of people hurting. I try to remember them too and drop some money in.

Detachments

I am a senior citizens with middle-aged children. While I was running around yesterday trying to get some of my personal business done such as changing my address from that of my son in Los Angeles to my current address here in Northern California and Christmas shopping for my grandchildren, I made a startling discovery. Part of being healthier for seniors is letting go of our grown-up children and letting them live their own lives. You would think that was a given, but for me it wasn't. It is a two-way street. They don't often want to give up their parents either as mine don't. It is healthier for both generations to do so.

By letting them go, I mean not letting them know what we think of their choices in life. I see them making mistakes, and I just have to put the magic glue on my lips and say nothing. They have to live their lives without input from the older generation. My mother knew better than to tell me what I was doing wrong for if she did, I would not speak to her. My children sigh and complain but they rebel instead of just picking up their marbles and leaving as I did. Rebelling is kicking up their feet and doing passive aggressive things as indicating that you don't know what you are doing or that they are right and you are wrong as teenagers used to do. They are middle-aged adults. They have children of their own. And me? I need to keep my mouth closed.

It is healthier for me to do it because I have my life to live. My grown up children keep getting into it. They need to see me as not able to do it although I am perfectly able to take care of myself at this time. Maybe I won't be later, but I am alright now. My doctor and I will make those decisions not them. My doctor thinks I am just fine. I survived in Korea alone and did it well. My mother lived her whole life on her own until she was 86 years old. She died while undergoing surgery to repair a knee. Yesterday, I made another appointment for another check-up and got my flu shot. I can take care of myself, at least for now.

Letting go of our children does not mean not loving them anymore. Far from it. It means loving them in a more unselfish way. It means being more confident that we can live alone and still find enjoyable lives as seniors and that those wonderful little children that used to cling onto our hands when we crossed the street are full fledged adults and have their own children to care for now. If things progress in a natural way, we will be leaving much sooner than they will, anyway, and they will have to get used to it anyhow.

Home

One of the concerns upon returning home was that I would revert back to the way I was before I left for Korea in March of this year. I did not want to do this as I had changed for the better. I eat far less than I used to. I exercise for more than I used to, and I am a regular writer now. Now, that I am home, finally, I can see that I can't change. I have discovered that reverting is not possible. I have become the person I wanted to become when I started my quest to be healthier both mentally and physically.

I have read somewhere that when you make adjustments, transform yourself, the people around you often feel puzzled by it or even feel left out of your life to some degree. It is true. Some relatives are even angered by the revisions, and I am sorry for it. I am not going to go back to the person I was before. It took a while for me to understand that part. I was faced with some of my family's resentment, and it astonished me. It was only a few people though. I like my new life. I am not going back even if I could.

I am getting used to the modifications in my house. They were not completed. My house was gutted and unfortunately all of it was put in a pile in my yard. I am arranging that it be towed away as soon as possible. Hopefully, it will be taken away this week. The problem with this stuff is it encourages critters and this must be avoided. I am sure this will be done soon.

Right now, I am trying to learn my new computer and I have not done so yet. I am using my laptop right now. Today, I have plans on going to the post office to change my address since I could not do it over the Internet for some reason. I hate doing it because it is the Christmas Season, but it can't be helped. I will also go to my auto insurance company to ask for a refund since I have been paying insurance for a car I did not have. I will be going to lunch with one of my grandsons at a buffet that has a special price at 1pm. Oh, the benefits of being a senior citizen.

Again, these developments were totally unexpected. I am sure there are more to come.

Getting closer

I am still on the road although I am closer to home. I will be starting the last leg, so to speak, of my trip tomorrow. I will be driving by car. You will recognize me by my stripes. So far, I went to a Barnes and Noble Bookstore, had my hair cut and ate an omelet.

California

I have landed in California and it feels so good to be here. The trip went faster and better than expected. So many people were kind and helpful.

There were some unexpected problems when I got home. First Bank of America are split into two banks and I had no idea. Northern California Bank of America and the Southern California Bank are two different bank so I could not get a replacement of my Visa Bank Card. Bummer. However, I talked to a bank manager and found a solution. Who would have thought this was a problem?

Then I found out that the same exists for my car insurance. My son bought me a new car since the old one was driven to a junk yard since it failed the smog test. It did not seem worth it to fix it. To bad because it was a spunky car and drove well. The new car is much newer and very nice. I had to cancel my insurance with the northern half of the insurance company and open a new account with the southern one since I am driving my car home to my home in Northern California.

I am drinking brewed coffee with milk and that was rare in Korea. I am enjoying it along with the Los Angeles Times which I bought today. It is so good to hold one in my hands.

Letter to the Editor

I wrote a Letter to the Editor to The Redding Record Searchlight Newspaper and emailed it in. The newspaper printed it on December 5, 2010. I did not think they would since I could not give them a working phone number but gave them one of my son's telephone number since the one I use in Korea has an extra number and it won't fit the space allotted for phone numbers.

It was in response to a plea from President Obama who asked everyone to write a letter to the Editor to their local newspaper advocating the changing of the policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military. It has been used to discharge soldiers who were serving well and has caused untold heartache among our troops. They were discharged because of who they are.

I am a heterosexual American citizen who is also a veteran of the U.S. Army and I served during the Viet Nam War. I knew of many soldiers during that war who served well but were afraid of being found out that they were gay. It is time that this policy which was initially put into place as a stop gap measure until the USA was ready to accept openly serving Americans of all sexual orientations. I think the time is here now.

Normally, I don't get too political on these Blogs, but civil rights of all human beings is something that all of us in this world ought to care about. In the US, there is the Bill of Rights that give all people the essential right to be treated equal although different groups had to fight for that right. At least it is possible. In some countries, it is not possible.

They are debating this in the American Senate now. The American House of Representatives have passed it already. If it isn't passed during the Lame Duck Senate, it might not be passed for a long time. That would really be very sad.

If you are not in the United States, please be aware that sexual orientation is not a choice. I could no longer think of changing my orientation than you can whatever it is. Each human being as the right to exist as they really are. In some countries, the punishment of being gay is death or imprisonment. Let's hope this changes someday. It will not in my lifetime. I know that, but I can say it out there in cyberspace. I will not be arrested here in Korea.

Nightmare

I was getting off the bus here in Korea at the International Airport and was getting ready to call the hotel where I will be staying in the night before my flight, and I noticed that my laptop that is supposed to be hanging off my shoulder is not there. I look back at the bus I was on and it is pulling away. I start to yell but it is too late. "My book is in that computer", I say to myself.

Then I start to think when I last had the notebook computer. I wonder if I left it in my apartment in Daejeon. Then I start to think that I have not done my final packing yet. I breathed a sigh of relief. This is a bad dream. Then I wake up. I look around and I am in my Daejeon apartment.

I am getting nervous. I would not be so nervous except I am in a country where I don't speak the language. That makes me nervous. The most important possession that I have is this notebook computer because it has the book that I have been working on. I remember the story how Ernest Hemingway left the only copy of a book he wrote in a taxi cab and never saw it again. Well, those things happen.

A friend came by yesterday and I gave her the books that I am not taking with me. I also gave her my printer. I wanted those two items to find a good home and they did. I think having them gone from my apartment created the nightmare that I had last night. I also gave her my umbrellas that I used to cross the street to the university. I still have one that I carry around in my book bag.

It is getting close to when I leave, and I am getting nervous.

Cycle of Anger

It has become apparent to me that I harbor great reservoirs of anger from my past and that it interferes with my daily life. Because I am more or less by myself here in Korea in that I have no one talk with at great length about anything except professional concerns and because I don't want to labor relatively new friends about old issues from my past, I have been journaling. This has been successful in uncovering the reasons I am so angry at so many people because I was raised in anger from a dysfunctional family and a dysfunctional world.

I don't think my situation is unique and many people have this problem and I have written about this before. I find it astonishing that I would be angry at people who were mean and vicious to me many years ago. Some would say, get over it. That is my intention. In order to detach from something that had such an effect on me, and I know this sort of thing had effected others, you have to get it in the open because it is still happening today but to another group of people.

I was raised in a government housing project, Linda Vista, located in the San Diego area. I was born in 1945 and moved there when I was just four years of age. I had a older sister and and a younger brother. Our mother was from Harbin, Manchuria which belonged at the time to Russia. She came to the United States and met and married my father was was a "Okie".

It was during the time we moved to Linda Vista, that Senator Joseph McCarthy started his televised hearings. It was his mission to ferret out the communists from different parts of the United States. It was a witch hunt. Because my mother came here as an adult, she still had a strong accent and was easily identified as a Russian-American. It was pure hell during those hearings for many people including us. Parents of the kids we played with called us names such as commie and told us to tell my mother to go back to Russia. I still can see their twisted and ugly faces. It has been so many years ago. They threw paint at our house and fence and dragged our fence down. We moved to another part of the project to get away from the worst of them.

In school, the kids would taunt me with the same names that their parents used. I would get hit with boards, rocks and so forth. No one came to my aid although it must be said some teachers tried to talk to the students about what they were doing. I never retaliated. I just hid the best way I could. I was getting beaten at home as well.

Thank goodness, that awful time ended with such brave Americans as Edward R. Murrow who finally gave an expose of the harm McCarthy was doing. People began to see what McCarthy was really doing. None of those people ever apologized to my mother and to our family, and the damage was done.

When I hear what is happening to Arab Americans or those who are Muslim in America, I cringe with my own memories. I could hide better than many can since I looked so much like the others in Linda Vista. If I was required to wear a headscarf, it would be impossible to blend into the population.

Anger stays for a long time with people. It is the end of 2010 and I can still see clearly the people who were so hateful and prejudicial toward my sister, brother and myself. None of us ever forgot those awful things that were done to us or the fear it generated in my mother who was just trying to get along in a new country away from where she was raised. To the day she died, she was always afraid to complain or make any complaint against anyone who treated her badly. She was afraid of the anger that was shown to her as a new citizen of this country all because she was Russian by birth. It is ironic that my mother was in Harbin because her family were running from the Communist troops.

Those people now who shout and say such angry things are creating angry cycles within those children who are watching as I did from the sidelines. That anger that they are generating will long outlive them and will be cycling long after they are in the ground. I am sure many of the people who showed me such anger are long dead. Certainly my parents are dead and even my brother.

I am going to try and stop the anger with me, but I have spread so much myself already. Some I have given my children and grandchildren. I have done what I said I would not do. I have acted out my anger on innocent people, those who had nothing to do with the hateful and spiteful McCarthy who lies decaying in his own grave. I have tried to make up for it and that is different than was done with me. I will write posts like this one with the hope that maybe someone will read this and stop that angry outburst and research where the anger is coming from and detach from it so it would stop with them. I am hopeful.

One week away

I am about one week away from leaving Korea. Sometimes when I think about it, I get so excited I can hardly sit still. If I think about it at night, I can't sleep. I am slowly cleaning up my apartment and packing.

Today, I closed my bank account and left enough money to pay the Internet provider for December. I talked with the landlady with an interpreter, a manager from the corporation next door. It was cold and he was shaking. I wanted to make sure they inspected my apartment and returned my portion of the deposit back. I will clean the place up. I also have a friend coming on Sunday to pick up my printer and some books.

Being in Korea has been a very positive experience and one that I will always remember. I accomplish everything I wanted to do and did even more. I am still trying to do some last minute things, but most have been done. When I ride the bus, I look at the buildings, the streets, the Buddhist temples, the men pulling carts on the street, everything and I know that home will be very much different. I will be very much different.

There were things and experiences that seemed bad at first but ended up being the very best things that could have happened. Things I wanted to happen did. I met wonderful people and had wonderful romantic times. Who would have thought that I could still have those sort of adventures this late in my life? I did.

But I am ready to go home.