Saturday, February 5, 2011

Past Lives

The conversation that I had yesterday with Ted really upset me. That usually happens when I hit some of the truth in my life. I don't really want to look into it and overate in the evening after Ted left. That is always a sure sign something very disturbing is being dug up from the unconscious. Why should the biggest unknown be within each of ourselves? Heck with outer-space with its unknown planets and star systems.

It also bothers me that it took so long for me to get to it. Of course, I am doing my own therapy so I can't be faulted that I am wandering around trying all kinds of doors and wondering which door to open. It's not as if I received extensive training on how to do it. What is ironic is the fact that I have been in therapy for years and never got much accomplished except when I am doing it myself. Thank goodness I have lived long enough to get this far. Still, I really don't know what I am doing.

Ted said the same thing yesterday. He does a lot of writing meditation as I do. He keeps writing and writing until he sees the bottom of something and then keeps right at it. The thing he always dreams about is he envisions a time when he will get to the bottom of whatever ails him and wakes up as a well adjusted human being. Unfortunately, he tells me, when he gets to the bottom of something it is always just the top of another layer and there is another one underneath it. He says it is just as well because if he wakes up well adjusted he would have to find another way of making a living since writing memoirs is all he knows to do and he doesn't want to go back into advertising.

I am not as good at writing memoirs as Ted is. Still, I enjoy reading his books. Evidently, many people do. People also interview him on radio and television and has quite a following. That can be a problem since there has been times he gets recognized which is why we end up in my room and not in restaurants. He also has weight issues as I do and can't resist the desert tray. He knows I can't eat gluten and will not have any here.

I envy his ability to put his anger out there where people can read about it. When he first started to write, his mother didn't even relate to anything he wrote being about her. She said she read it but she was also still drinking and never did stop so everything she read of his was through an alcoholic haze. She just told him that everyone thought it was funny and I guess no one told her that a lot of it was about her. She divorced his father as he hated her and the frequent police reports and spells in prison taught her that. Ted really had trouble with the fact she never divorced him for beating up and burning him but for causing her problems. He put all of that stuff out there on paper and he did put all of it down in a very funny way so that instead of being shocked at the extent humans can be cruel to their own children, the readers laughed with the author at the absurdity of life. That is an awesome talent.

I, on the other hand, do not like peeking under the covers of my past lives even if it is for my benefit. I have never written a memoir although I have written lots of journals. I think I have a great sense of humor, but it is hard to laugh at one's dysfunctional family background as Ted can and write about it in an engaging way. That is why his books sell so well.

Ted told me about a man he knew who made darn few friends in his life. He made two. One was a woman who he married and the other was his best friend. He was into his life with these three friends when two of them ran off together. This man didn't know what hit him. Ted said when the guy told him what happened he could hardly contain himself from laughing because the whole situation was so "fucking funny". "Here you have this really awesome doctor who is really good at his job, cares about his patients unlike so many other doctors and thinks his life is going well and thinks he is so fortunate that he has a best friend and a wonderful wife and then they run off together and now he has no one. If anyone illustrates that life is a bummer it is him. It's a damn shame he has no sense of humor. Its so funny. " It sounded like a Greek Tragedy not a comedy routine, but that is Ted for you.

He did like aspects of my situation and did not incorporate any of it in his own story since there was enough of it that was true to use. He did laugh at it which really did help as I learned to laugh at my own situation which is funny too. I told him that the Veterans Administration now has me under investigation to see if I can take care of my own financial situation except they told my son and not me. That is a big hint that they are leaning towards his point of view. I have yet to hear from them and they have my correct phone number and address. The VA is run by men so I never did stand a chance with them anyhow. Medically, they do an outstanding job and that is what counts.

Ted is Canadian and thinks my original plan to move to Canada is a good one. There I can start a new life and be without all of the problems that I have here. He still thinks he will live forever. I don't. Still, he has a point and I have not made up my mind. I think the focus of action does rest with me as he thinks he is responsible for his life as well. At least no one will be putting me in a home without my consent as they used to do to women years ago. Writers and artists are different enough that we stand out in a crowd. There were always professionals that thought people should act like everyone else.

In the meantime, I do have to do my work and open that door a bit wider and figure out why I do the things I do so I can get better. I know I won't like what I find, but it is necessary so I can get a better control over my bills and the larger picture, my financial picture.

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