October 5, 2009, Monday-Heart's Desire

In Joey Green's book, "The Zen of Oz: Ten Spiritual Lessons from Over the Rainbow" (Renaissance: 1998), there is a chapter called " Surrender Dorothy". The author states at the beginning: "Your Heart's desire is your destiny. But to fulfill that destiny, you must first give up your attachment to the outcome. You don't give up your intention to realize your desire. You simply detach yourself from the result. In other words, you surrender to the creative intelligence of the cosmic nexus and allow it to unfold before you."

I am at the beginning of my intention to get healthy by this summer, but is it my heart's desire? What I really want is the freedom to do what I want to do. Don't I already have that? So, what I really want is not to be healthy although that is part of it; but I want to be thinner. I have been over-weight for most of my life. I am endangering my life with my over-weight; but that is not the real issue. I was with friends at a restaurant for breakfast and the omelet lady would not even take my order although she took everyone's else. No one else was over-weight. We all were at the same age. I am tired of being different, standing out and not being able to do what I want to do and that is join the rest of humanity. I even want a man to chat me up although I may not be young enough for that. Still, at my age I don't have a chance. I am tired of standing outside of life looking in.

I am not sure I understand what the author is saying here. Some books on dieting state that the dieter should be careful not to want too much. I just want to walk down the street and not be called names. It seems as if I helped build a wall of fat to protect myself, but by protecting myself from the world I walled myself in. I am looking over that wall and I want to re-join the world. I know I may never have a male friend or I may; but I will be forever by myself looking out. I will be safe, but I will be alone. I also realize that I have created a world of my own so being alone is really not so bad; but I want to be included with other people. I watch television program where people work in a group situation such as The Closer or House and you can tell some of them are really friends too. Booth goes out with Bones after a case closes at a coffee shop on Bones. I envy that. They seem to have outside lives as well. Its television and not real, but it is possible to have friends and still have alone time too. It may be my imagination but when I am with people I think I stand out. I want to blend in and be like everyone else for a change. Maybe I will lose weight and still not blend in, but at least I will know. Since I have never been thin for any period of time I don't know.

At the end of the chapter, the author states: "You too can make the dreams that you dare to dream come true. Like Dorothy, all you need do is surrender your desire to the awesome creative intelligence of the universe." Who knows.....