Garage Sale

Today, there is a garage sale going on for everything my son and his family are not taking with them and for everything I don't have room for. Everything I am moving with me must fit in the long bed red truck that my son is using to move me to Portland, Oregon. My ex-husband is scheduled to be here on the 15th of this month and all of us want to be out of here by then. My son is selling everything I bought for the house. I did not realize how much I did buy until he started to label things with the stickers he bought from the dollar store. He is even selling the stove, washer and dryer, dish washer, two fridges, furniture, rugs, air conditioners including the swamp cooler, tools, lawn mower and other yard maintenance tools.

My son's partner got into the U.S.Army and will be leaving in October so they are selling their stuff too. She will be going through basic and AIT training for being a medic and then leaving for her duty station after that. My son and her son will follow if she is stationed anywhere but Afghanistan or Iraq. There is a good chance my son and his family are leaving Redding as well.

I am staying in my room as I have no idea what to do with the garage sale and he said he and his family have got it covered. His other sons are coming over after their soft ball game. I lost so much when his father and brother came here when I was in Korea and I had to pay money to get the trash towed away as it was just dumped and after the rain fell it was just useless junk by then. This time, I am getting some money for it. It is being done on my terms in that I have given my youngest son permission to do this. If we left all of this behind, it would be trashed anyhow.

Still, it seems so sad to see a garage sale of one's things. When I went to other people's garage sales, I never gave it a thought that there might be some drama tied into the decision to have one as there is with this one. Everyday, something happens in which I learn something new about a situation I had not thought about before. Sometimes, it is re-thinking an old situation. I used to self-hate my body and my overweight and then I realized that it was a good thing in my life and may have save myself from making some horrendous mistakes. I also learned that it was because I had other interests such as reading that childhood friends could not follow or understand. I had thought there was something awful in my personality.

I am not writing all of this because I am such a good person or different. We all have this. What we view as bad chapters in our lives are not bad at all and could be instrumental in forming the good things about our character.

I know someone who has one leg that is shorter than the other through some birth related injury. She felt bad about it all through childhood and became fascinated by the reasons it had happened to her. Because of this interest, she read all there was on birth injuries and discovered that it was all due to the incompetence of her mother's doctor that she had her injuries. Her mother felt guilty for it as she thought it was her fault. It wasn't. She ended up being pretty angry at her mother at first and then later at the doctor who died while she was in high school. The doctor was an alcoholic and had no business practicing medicine. It was later in her life when she was angry at a husband and filed for divorce because he was drinking too much. Everyone in her family faulted her for divorcing him as he made good money and was very charming. When he died in an alcohol related accident, she was so glad that her shortened leg had made her so aware of the damage alcohol did to children and had refused to let him drive the kids anywhere and had cost her money in legal fees. She had her children alive and well.

One of my neighbors just came over to inquire as to what was happening with the house because of the garage sale. He was one of the people I have known over the years. His wife works for the state and will be retiring in a few years and he is worried about their medical bills after she does. People are scared about the future of medicare. Luckily, I don't depend on it, but many people I know do.

He also does not want to move from his house and looks at my moving as a daunting task. I agree with him but do not feel I have much choice. At the same time, it feels like an adventure. As I said along the way on this blog, I thought my adventures were over. They are far from over and there will be more garage sales along the way.

Change

I wrote about change in the inner self on another blog when I read a journal that I kept when retiring from state employment in 2002. I have since worked, but that was the last full time job in an otherwise unbroken line of employment since my teenage years. It was a difficult time in which I had been planning for all of my life but not for the years following retirement.

I did not realize that I identified so much with my job as I did then. It was as if the lifeline of so many years was simply not there anymore. I had no idea that this was the case. I looked around and I had criticized men for having this mindset and never realized that I had it too. I had plenty of things to do. I just did not know what to do with my identify or with the intense amount of anger that I had for that work site and for all of the work sites that I had over the years. Writing about it in a journal helped more than anything as the Veterans Administration was not very helpful during that time; but I did not want to push myself there as there were too many veterans with far more serious needs than I had. I knew I had resources they did not have.

It took some time to survive that time, but I did. There were many other trials and tribulations yet to come. I am surviving them. Now, I am on my way to a new situation although I find myself in a better place than I was then. I am surprised. I thought moving away from this house that I had loved dearly would be a great source of pain for me. It is not. The injuries of what was done during my absence in Korea by my oldest son and his father lessened the ties this house has for me. I am ready to go.

I don't even know why I changed or even how. I just know that I did. I am less ruled by fear now. I tend to believe myself now than before. When my son in his last ditch effort to convince me not to move from this house, said that I was imagining my reasons it hurt me and scared me, but I still stuck to the vision that I had of the situation. I have more faith in myself now. That was how his father kept me in check for so many years. I am walking ahead. My youngest son who was the source of some of my greatest sorrow is now helping me with what I need to do. I am hoping that he is learning to live with his fears too. They played games with his head too.

My oldest son and his father are bullies. I love both my sons but that is what they are. I also know that bullies need victims and are lost without them. I remember a conference I attended for a book I was writing in which one of the characters had suffered ritual sexual abuse. The conference was for survivors for ritual sexual abuse and some of the abusers were at the windows of the church they were using for the conference and were looking at the survivors with longing. They were not allowed in. Some of their victims were inside trying to get better. Even the ones that could get in had bought dogs in and were asked to leave as they were trying to scare those inside in order to see their fears. Abusers, bullies and those who prey on victims need them. They did not care for them as lovers but as narcissistic, egotistic people who need victims for their fix. This is their form of love. They have never know anything else.

I now see that my ex-husband needs me for the victim I was for all of those years. I learned to be one in my family of origin. Without my cooperation, he would never have been able to do what he did to me and teach his sons to do the same. I am not giving him permission to do it anymore. I am walking away to another life. I am finally healthy enough to do it. It was through writing in a journal that I came to realize this. Spring never looked better.

August: Osage County By Tracy Letts

I saw several plays at Oregon Shakespeare Festival last week and all of them struck me as very good; yet it was the play that disturbed me the most that has stayed with me since then. It was AUGUST OSAGE COUNTY by Tracy Letts. It was the one that some complained about on the Oregon Shakespeare Facebook Page and it was the only one that I hated coming out of the play at its conclusion.

I attended a discussion class before and after the play and although I had read it before hand, I did not think too much of it as it seemed as if it was a real downer, a play about a very dysfunctional family very much like my own family of origin. I watched the opening of the play that night. I was totally worn out by the end.

The next morning, the class came together again and discussed the three hour play and I was able to put things together for myself as I saw that the resolution of what happened on the stage had to be done by the audience. To my mind, the playwright wanted us, the audience, to decide what it was all about. I made up my mind that it was about love and how each of us even in dysfunctional families have our own individual definitions and that all is valid as we try to find our own poetry and meaning and love in our lives. For the first time in my own life, I understood my own past in such a way that I could accept it. That is my own rationale of the insanity that was my own life and that of the play.

It is rare that a play can change my life as this play did, but it did. I can see why it won a Pulitzer Prize. I can't pretend to know the effect it may have had on others but only how it affected me. All of the plays we saw in Ashland this year had the quality in which the audience became part of the play. I don't remember this essence in the plays before. I love books that do this and that was the first time that I felt part of the action on stage. An actor said that each time a play was performed, it was different for everyone. I can see how readily it would be with this play.

There was a university professor sitting next to me who was going to stay a extra week so he could watch the play again. He said he thought the plays that were being performed was outstanding this year but especially enjoyed the Letts play. We are so lucky to have such an exemplary Shakespeare Festival in this country as this one.

I am back

For the last week, I have been in Ashland, Oregon attending the Oregon Shakespeare Festival with friends. It was wonderful. We stayed in a hotel in beautiful downtown Ashland and watched several plays per day and took some lecture classes to explain on how the plays are put together.

I will be writing about this in the near future as I just got back. It was not the first time I attended this festival, but it was the best trip yet.

Reality Sets In

Yesterday, I drove up to the lake just to think and read and ended up changing on how I view some parts of my life in a huge way. In some ways, I think I lost my innocence towards my grown children. I don't think I will get caught being so "flatfooted " again. I was so wrong about them although the facts were there, I just did not want to see them. It's not that I don't love them anymore for that would never happen, its just that I won't be so wide-eyed innocent about it because it is not in my best interests to be so.

I know a man named Benjamin who is a bit older than I am. He has become angry with the world because everything he believed about it has turned out not to be the truth. His own children have lives of their own and don't find the time to spend with him as they did when they were kids. They have their own families, interests, jobs and he gets cranky after a few minutes and complains about everyone being different than the people he knew years ago.

I have lost some innocence about my children, but I believe that as I change over the years they have as well. We all have done so. I am not one of those people like Benjamin who think that the young people today are any different than the young people 30 or 40 years ago. They do things differently as they have computers and the Internet. We all have the same goals, dreams and aims in life. We all want to be happy.

I think I wrote in here a while back that I rarely see kids playing outside although there are plenty of them in my neighborhood they are inside watching television and playing games on computers and gameboys and such things. As kids, we used to play games too but not on television but in the streets and in the school yards. There were always some bureaucrat trying to lock up the school yard after school was over until kids got hit by cars. Then parks and school yards were opened. Now, they are in the homes and the only parts of their bodies getting exercise are their fingers.

To get back to my loss of innocence, I just assumed that what I wanted out of life was what my grown up children wanted. Well, that is not the case. My ex-husband who trashed my house called my son who is still living with me and asked him to take pictures of my yard. that struck terror in my heart. Then my son said that he did not know if I could afford to live here and I knew they were getting ready to not only force my other son out but me as well. My son said houses were investments. No, I said. They were homes. How different we are on how we view property. I did not buy this house as an investment but as a place to live in. To my son, the bottom line is the most important line of his existence. To be fair, things change with him as they do with me although I doubt if I will ever adopt such a line of reasoning. The pictures will not be taken.

I will decide on whether or not I will continue to live here. There might come a time I can't make such decisions but I am not there. I informed my son of that. I also informed my son that my ex-husband, his father is not welcomed at my house and I will call the police if he shows up. I am changing the locks and no one will have a key but me.

Nothing will bring back what happened to my house while I was in Korea last year. I have to go on with my life although I don't want to see my kids' father anymore and will not allow him near me or my home again.

While I was at the lake, I got phone call after phone call from my grown children. My son tried to bully me into doing what he wanted me to do. I said no. Not all that long ago, male grown-up children had the right to put their mothers and wives in institutions against their will. It is called "5150" and that was waved at me except I have worked all of my life. I know this sort of injustice was changed a long time ago. No one can be put in a institution against their will except if they are a danger to themselves or someone else and it is not an easy process to do with all sorts of doctors who have to sign on the dotted line. I do not meet those criteria. I have a current doctor and nurse practitioner and I am certainly not suicidal and have never been a danger to anyone.

I told my son that I treasure above all things my freedom and I have an independent income. If I have to walk away from my house I will do so and already have an apartment that I want to move into in Portland, Oregon. If I have to take just my clothes and my journals and laptop I can easily do it. No one is going to restrict me. I have a few years left in which I am healthy enough to be independent. I also want to continue to write and read. I will not give that up for nothing. I want to stay where I am now as I just returned to this country, but I will move if necessary. My son backed down for now, but I have been forewarned.

Change Letter to the Editor

This is a response to a column in the Record Searchlight dated April 18, 2011 about the way things have changed in how taxes are done and collected in this country:

There is the old truth that has always been with us that everything changes and that we must change with it. There will also be those among us that will fight it tooth and nail, with every fiber of their being until they are shown that the things they enjoy the most are part of the things that have changed.

I don't think there are too many who can predict what will change but only that things will change. This will continue long after all of us breathing at this moment are no longer breathing but are in the next stage of whatever lies beyond. Taxes is another form that will continue along with change. It is editable.

Wouldn't it make sense to enjoy our time on earth as much as possible and just accept it? This is part of the things we cannot change and work on the things we can such as corporations having so much power in our country and making sure our votes are counted. I am hoping for the wisdom to know the difference between the things that I can change and the things I can't. Ah, serenity....

Making Friends With One's Body

I am still reading Marianne Williamson's book, "A Course in Weight Loss" and in the second lesson she recommends that the reader make friends with all parts of one's body including the part that is over-weight. Well, that seemed to me to be a tall order so I thought I would start with the 20 lbs that I gained since coming to California.

There is the temptation to hate that 20 lbs, to be sure. This morning, I noticed that I have lost one pound of it already. I did compare scales with the doctor's scales and noticed that both say the same thing. The scale at the gym, however, puts on about 15 lbs so I shy away from that one. Instead of hitting myself over the head with the fact that 20 lbs have decided to come and stay minus one pound on my frame I looked to see the friendlier aspects of it. The weight is showing me that I have a decent scale. I think I have already put that down somewhere and will check. Yes, I find that I have mentioned that in a post not too long ago. Sigh....

I guess, I will have to look at the larger issue of my over-weight. In the past, I would try to accept my over-weight by pretending it did not exist. That worked until I tried to put something on that had fit just right and found it did not fit at all. The one dress that I remember was a black dress that I found on sale that had a white bow on the top. I had to wash it very carefully and dry it on a wooden hanger. I bought it when I weighted 165 lbs and at 180 it ceased to fit. One friend, Mary, got mad at me when I tried to put it on. I am not sure why she was so mad at me. I had another dress I could get into. I haven't seen Mary for 40 years so I can't ask her. She got mad at me again when she had affairs on her husband when he was at work and I was shocked that she would bring her daughter with her and put her in front of the television set in the living room and have her sexual play with her lovers in the bedroom. She didn't talk to me anymore. Its not that I liked her husband for I did not, but that was so bad for her daughter to be part of that sort of thing. Mary's parents were such strict Catholics.

When I was in my first marriage, I really gained weight. That weight was trying to tell me that I was not happy. I should have listened to it because it kept coming and coming and I could not lose it no matter what. I was exercising too. My first husband was gaining too. He must have been unhappy too. He is quite small or at least the last time I saw him.

My over-weight gave me time to think about things. I did not go out and get hooked up with someone else until I figured out what happened the first time. All sorts of medical professionals were trying to get me to lose the weight and after all of this hindsight I am glad I did not. I need that breather. I needed that time to do other things which I did. I got my graduate degree and another job and career.

My blood pressure and sugar levels are fine. I still need to get the weight down. I need to get the exercise although I am active and with my house soon to be empty of people I will be doing all of the work that needs to be done. I will continue to go to the gym. I hate the gym, but I hate the dogs that run around the street even more. The music that I have plugged in my earphones really helps.

I know someone who can hardly move and can remember myself being in that situation. I am not that way at all. I can move without pain and rarely take pain relievers. My knees are fine and I feel good to be able to bounce around without difficulty. I eat far more healthier than I ever did before. I rarely eat meat anymore and can see a time where I don't eat any at all.

Mindfulness is a key concept and I try to keep it in mind as much as possible. That has been very important when dealing with the subject of food. When I think about eating, I ask myself if I am really hungry or just want to be comforted. Most of the time, I want things out of my food because I have given it power to comfort me. Being mindful helps in this area.

There is no doubt that the stress in this house is a continuing problem. I am giving it to my Higher Power and letting that Higher Power deal with it.

There is a lot of wisdom in Williamson's book and I am taking advantage of it. It is a new book and the chances of it getting it again are slim as it is a library book. Still, it fell in my hands and I am going as fast as I can in reading it. Hello body, hello friend.....

An Argument About the Royal Wedding

I had an appointment to meet a friend, Aileen, for lunch. She is one of those friends that I knew a while back and recently met again at a function concerning some civic affair. I had always liked her and found her to be funny and well informed on a large number of issues. She asked if she could bring a friend and I readily agreed. What surprised me is when I arrived at the local Denny's, everyone was deep in a lively discussion which included the waitress and even the manager of the restaurant about the Royal Wedding that is to take place between Prince William and Katherine Middleton.

I sat down astounded that anyone cared about the pending nuptials. The restaurant was mostly empty as Aileen and I agreed to lunch on an off hour. The argument or debate all concerned the decision of Prince William to forgo the wearing of a wedding ring. I did not know he did not want to wear a wedding ring.

"Who wouldn't know he was married to Kate. Everyone in the world is going to know he is married to her," said Shirley the waitress. "I just don't see the big deal."

"If my husband decided not to wear his ring, I would wonder about his commitment to me," said my friend, Aileen.

I was surprised for I have always thought Aileen to be the strongest feminist I have ever met. I would have thought she would not have cared.

The manager who was a woman said: "Sometimes, men can't wear their wedding rings because of their jobs. My husband can't because he is a policeman."

"How would that make a difference?" asked Aileen's friend, Wilma.

"Well, if someone grabs your hand it hurts like hell if you are wearing a ring. That is why police don't wear long hair or long ear rings," she answered. "People can grab them."

Everyone laughed.

"Police officers come in two sexes," Shirley said.

I asked if the prince explained why he did not want to wear a ring. No one knew. I kept thinking about all of the people he had to shake hands with.

"His father wore one and it didn't stop his father from sticking it up Camilla's you know what," said the cook as she headed back to the kitchen.

"I think it is strange that he isn't going to wear one, that's all. She is wearing one, Kate that is," said a woman from a booth.

The argument went on after I tuned out. I had to ask myself if I cared whether a man wore one or not. What if you were in a long termed relationship but not married as some people were it would be dishonest if either spouse wore a ring. Why does a woman need to wear a ring? Does she? I like to wear rings ever so often but bands because I don't like stones but attractive bands. I would wear gold but can't afford them. As a result I wear silver. They do not symbolize anything. My favorite rings are those with fish and animals carved in them and I have one that has Celtic Knots on it.

To extend it even further, why must a woman change her name? I have already decided that I would never change my name again. The last time I changed my name I did it in court and choose it because I was considering marrying someone at the time which thankfully I did not. I will never change my name although I might change the name on my Email account. It is the same as a ring. It seems as if someone is branding someone as their property. Some religions don't even have vows but simply standing up in public and acknowledging that this woman is now theirs.

Of course, the law favors people who are married and that is why everyone in the population wants the right to marry who they want should they desire to. I agree with that. That is slowly changing but ever so slowly and many people waiting to marry and who have been together for many years will not live long enough to be in a legal marriage. Then there are people who are forced into marriage and they have to wear the wedding bands such as rogue Mormons who marry youngsters in this country or fathers of daughters who marry their daughters to their friends. That happens everywhere.

Divorce options are slowly coming into those countries but not the right to collect child support if you are lucky enough to retain the children nor the right to work. But if you are in a marriage where the husband beats you up within a inch of your life, you need to leave before you end up in the cemetery.

Divorce, and choice of husbands, wives and whether to marry or not is healthy for everyone. I don't think this is agreed upon as yet. When I was younger and under the sway of my family, I used to look down on men who left their wives. I am not so negative now. No one should lives with spouses they don't want to live with anymore. Still, if a marriage breaks up, it should be done right and the surviving family provided for.

I still don't care about the wedding between William and Kate although I think Prince William is a nice young man. I was also fond of his mother, Princess Di. I don't like his father and would rather see William on the throne than his father for all of the pain and sorrow he gave his mother, but its not my country. Still, it is an interesting question and it is up to Prince William, and if he doesn't want to wear a ring then he shouldn't.

As far as the argument in Denny's, the consensus was that he should wear the ring. There is no shortage of people who want to tell others how to live their own lives, unfortunately, but I think he learned from his mother's example not to pay that much attention to them.

Weight

I weighed myself at the doctor's office yesterday and felt really bad, at first. Then I stopped punishing myself. No, I said to myself. This is a way to test my own scale that I used this morning and they do match. That is good. I have an accurate scale. Another is a way to let myself know how much stress I am under here where I live. I have gained 20 lbs since coming to California.

I have a book that I record what I eat and ironically I can tell that I am eating less than when in the past. I know I don't even eat breakfast which is what I want to do since I am not hungry in the morning. There are no studies that show people need to eat in the morning so the old wives' tale is exactly that, an old wives tale.

Instead of slapping myself all over the place, I am using it to gauge the amount of stress I am allowing in my life. I have already given notice to my son to move out and he told me yesterday that he should be able to do it by May 6th although it will be difficult. He isn't even going to ask me for a loan since I don't have control over my finances as yet. He feels good that he can do this on his own. Already I can see the benefit of his succeeding solely on his own and not having help from me. I was thinking about letting their son stay here but changed my mind yesterday. It needs to be a clean break not only for him but for myself. The weight gain shows to me how important it is for me to do this for me. When I was in Korea, I ate rice burgers, french fries and cheese cake all of the time. I don't even do that here. I lost weight there but gain it here. The difference was I was alone there but not here. I also do not have a kitchen here. I soon will have one.

I was always taught that a woman alone is not a good thing. Women should be helping others. Well, I have raised two sons as a single parent. I have had both of my adult children in my home with their wives and children. It is time I have my own space. And this belief that I was taught about woman not being alone is a bunch of crap. Since coming back to California, I have made friends as I did in Korea, and I feel good about my life; but I want my own space. I love sitting in the living room and listening to NPR as I did last night as I worked on my lap top or reading a book. I have not told my son and his family to stay out of the living room but there are no televisions there as I don't watch it all that much. I have ear plugs on to listen to television programs such as Jon Stewart's Daily Show when it is rebroadcast-ed on the Internet. I don't have to sit in my bed all day in my room as I have been doing since I returned.

I plan on getting the yard back in shape once my son and his family leave. Already, I took the trash cans back from the street as their son forgot to do it as he was supposed to do. That was the reason I changed my mind about his staying here. I could see my doing this once they were gone and I don't want to do this anymore. I want to retire from being a mother. They need to take responsibility for him after all they are taking his Social Security checks and spending it. I need the exercise in doing in taking care of the yard.

I can keep the bedroom doors open so the cats can move freely. I will have two refrigerator as they are leaving one behind. They broke the freezer that I had in the basement so that is fine.

I have always felt that there was a good and bad side to everything. Now, I even go further and say there are no sides at all. There is the reality of it all. I like that even better.

Gratitude Glances

I opened the blinds of my bedroom and saw that the tree across the street has leaves. The last time I had really looked at it, it was bare although its limbs were swollen like a pregnant woman ready to give birth or so it seemed to me. Then while I was not looking, the leaves burst forth. Somehow, I must have this belief that life does not happen unless it has my permission. I was grateful for that glance of a tree having a life not giving me a thought. We certainly get mired down into our egotistical nonsense or at least I do.

I looked at the distant and saw other trees all bursting into leaf. Ah, my gratitude glance for the day although it was mixed in with some memories of the past when there were other early days of spring and I was in other places and other situations. I saw a golden sky that on second glance was not there this morning. It is overcast.

Yesterday, my gratitude glance involved seeing the beautiful rock formations along a road where I happened to be and glancing up from driving along a tree lined road. The sky was blue with large white clouds. It had rained the night before and everything as usual looked so fresh and clean and I could smell it as I had the car window down. Hay fever did not bother me yesterday as it normally does. I am hoping this is a trend.

There is a Buddhist Retreat in France, Plum Village, where everyone is greeted with "Congratulations, you have arrived." I think it is a good greeting when the sun comes up in the morning. I say this as a senior citizen and if I had thought this as a younger person I would think I was drinking the cooking sherry. I think I was made for 'gratitude glances' because I have so many of them. I am also enjoying being a senior than any part of my life with the exception of watching my children grow up.

Unprocessed Emotions

I am presently reading a library book by Marianne Williamson, "A course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever"(Hay House: 2010) and of course reading as fast as I can which is why I hate library books. Anyhow, the books talks about a lot of things that we do that can create unhealthy things in our life.

The author is heavily influenced by "A Course in Miracles " which is a self-study curriculum which aims to assist its readers in achieving spiritual transformation. The book describes a non-dualistic philosophy of forgiveness and includes what are meant to be practical lessons and applications for the practice of forgiveness in one's daily life. (Wikipedia) I have never take the course which is supposed to be teachings from Jesus and although I am not a Christian I am not finding this influence to be troublesome- at least not so far.

In the first lesson, Williamson writes about unprocessed emotions especially pain which many of us express in self-medication such as in illegal and legal drugs, alcohol and food. I am reading the book because of my efforts to cut down my tendency for over-weight. I have been lucky in that I have never been caught in the traps of drugs and alcohol. She also mentions other addictions such as sex. I am sure there are others such as obsessive television watching. I know of people who watch hours and hours of television 7/24 which would drive me nuts. I am also sure there are others. I know of one woman who exercises obsessively for hours and hours at a time. The kids call her Granny although she is under 40 years of age but the ravages of exercising is making her old before her time.

For me, unprocessed emotions or pain, anger and fear have been in the form of food. The author states this is a form of self-hate. The more I write in my journal, the more I uncover about the way I think about things in my life. Why is it that the stranger in our lives is our own self? I ate to punish myself because I thought I was a monster because I did not want what my family wanted. I wanted to go to college and not get married. I was the first to gain higher degrees. The minute I wrote that down, I knew it was true and that I did not have to eat to push that truth down anymore. There is so much more but that is one of them. I did not want to become the property of a husband and have to do what he wanted me to do as my mother did. I ate to gain weight as a way of deterring those plans. My father was a photographer and I was fairly decent looking. I gained weight so he would not want to take my picture. That is a recent discovery. It goes on and on.

The author states that we eat to process these emotions but the feelings stays with us. We carry them around with us. That may have worked in my favor as a child and even as a young teenager but it does not bode well for me as a senior. I have to change these habits that keep me from self-love because I don't need them anymore. It was not a waste in the past. I was lucky in that I stumbled on these ways of protecting myself and not on other self-destructive ways such as my brother who was a alcohol and drug addict. Oh yes, I have another habit and that it is called graphology. I write compulsively although my writing has meaning. Some people have to write but there is no meaning to their writing. It is tied into my temporal epilepsy. I take a low level medication for it and it is under control. I have no intention of giving that one up.

Like so many people, I have anger about the past. That is where forgiving comes in. That is a part of the "A Course of Miracles" which is again fine with me. I have written recently about this and finding that it is essential that I forgive and let go. Again, I still need to protect and not condone what was done to me. Writing things down pulls those events and experiences up to the sunlight of consciousness and then they can lose the power they have over the self. I am not saying this anger is not justified for I think it is; but it is time to move on with the information that I gleaned from the experience.

I have mentioned my friend Ted who is now in New York City. He told me that whenever he writes a book about his experiences he is more realistic about what happens, he never lies but digs deeper into his memory. He says he can feel the memories turn into birds that fly away into the sky never to return. He could never have written about what he did in the book that is now being released. He would not have had the courage. He gets letters from people all of the time thanking him for his books. He also gets letters from his relatives threatening to either sue him or kill him. The one time a cousin sued him, Ted won in court. No one has tried since. This last book was about a rape in which happened to him and it was very difficult for him to write. He feels free from it now. For him unprocessed emotions has been in the form of alcohol and drugs. He says he is now free and attends 12-step meetings all of the time and sloshes when he walks because of all of the coffee he drinks.

Ted said he drank and took drugs because he said he was afraid of himself. He thought he would kill people. That is why he took up writing. He started to write thinking he would write stories in which he would kill those he was angry with instead of erupting in actual violence. To warm up, he started to write the memoirs. He showed it to an editor from a publishing company at a 12 step meeting who needed something to compete with other memoirs out on the market and he arranged for a contract. Since then he has an agent which has increased what he gets from the books. Ted says he is one of the very few authors who never had to go through the reject piles.

I write to express unprocessed emotions too. This has become so much easier since the advent of the word processor. As with Ted, I have to write and write down the layers before I get to the deeper ones that have more emotions. Of course, I never considered publishing them until I got this blog. Ted has lived a life that is as varied and exciting as Jack Kerouac's. He even drove across the country in a beat up car and even hitched a ride on a train. He is younger than I am but still has plenty of material that he has not used yet.

I have known a few actors in my life and many of them live on the scripts they are given and I would never want that for myself although they make so much more money than I do. A friend said that this situation is temporary for the computer and graphic programs will be creating actors that can be kept in the computer. I heard one producer say he was always scared in a production of a movie that his main star will die leaving him holding the bag as what happened when Health Ledger died. Writers are used to living their lives inside their heads.

There are artists who draw, paint and create their emotions and this works well with them. It is so much easier than drinking or taking drugs which does not produce a product that can be seen or used by anyone else except a jail term or a car accident and that is not very creative. Once the alcoholic is back among the population, his emotions are still with him unprocessed while writing and artwork, for example, lessen the impact on the conscious mind.

These are the healthy things we can do to process the emotions we have in our bodies and bring sunshine into the darkness of the night. These techniques are for everyone to use and not for those who make a living doing them. Even if one draws stick figures, artwork if that is what works will be something that will help draw off the energy of unprocessed emotions. I know several gentlemen who go out on the lake in a kayak to burn off the emotions and several people I know use bikes. When I am at the gym, I can see people earnestly running on those treadmills with emotions running out behind them. It just depends on who one is.

A New Living Room

I went to a sale at a good second hand store in a small town not far from here and found some nice furniture for a nice price. I bought a couch and a Lazy Boy chair and paid $30 total to have it transported to my living room which has been emptied of my youngest son's furniture. I spent the weekend fixing it back up to what I wanted it to be like. I lost a lot of things when I was in Korea last year, but I was able to salvage enough to get the living room I like living in.

It was strange, but living in my room I did not realized how cramped I felt there. I made numerous trips to Whiskeytown Lake and this weekend I did not feel the need to go. The stress of just getting out and stretching a bit while I sit here as I am doing now with the lap top on my lap is pure heaven. I rescued so many things out of the shed and cleaned them up. Of course, many of the things I rescued will have to be repaired later as a new glass top for the one broken on my Japanese table. My living room window will also have to be repaired for it has a crack where my son broke it.

I was so excited Saturday night that I woke up during the night just thinking about the renovation. I never came in here while my son lived here as it was dark and closed up with a huge television. Now, the windows are open and the the television is gone. I also bought some lamps so there is light enough to read. The son is keeping his stuff in preparation down in the family room.

I can look outside and see the trees that are around the house although they were butchered by my ex-husband with my new saw which he took with him. He took down all of my grapes, cut down the citrus trees, pomegranate tree and the fig trees are gone now. What he did inside my house he continued outside. He was really mad at me. There were nothing wrong with them. He took out gardens with the rototiller and made me pay for the rental of it. With all that he did, I don't think it did him any good for all he does not is sit in his apartment doing nothing. Maybe it was his last effort to discharge his anger. All I can do at this point is get on with my life and of course change the locks once my son leaves.

Forgiving

I know I must have written about this before. When I started years ago to deal with the abuse I suffered as a child, I went to meetings in which I met with others who were doing the same. Those were important meetings in which I began the important process of healing. One of the subjects that was discussed was forgiving. I did not want to forgive those that abused me and nor did most of the people who were there. We were too angry. We were not in the place at the time to do so, and those who were in charge of those meetings said it was not necessary to do so.

Well, I have moved on. I don't know what happened to those people that were there for I have not seen them since. I have discovered for myself that it is important to forgive but most important it is to find out what it is meant by forgiving. Most of us were women and we are trained by society not to be angry. It was important then to express our anger, to get it out of our system in a good and healthy way. There are numerous ways to do this and it should match the person we are. For me, it was writing and art. One time, I stopped on a lonely highway and yelled over a cliff and just told an empty place how mad I was at those people that hurt me and at the same time I said thank you to those who helped me during those times.

I think I thought forgiving was condoning what was done to me. It isn't. It is letting go of it and getting on with one's life. There was a philosopher who lived very long ago who said most of our troubles in life was our attachments to things in the past. I have found that he was right. The key is to let go of those things and experiences and to forgive is a part of that process.

One time, a person said to me as she pointed out some scripture to me from the Bible that I needed to forgive as she did. From her actions, I did not think she did a great job of doing that as she stole from me and I am working on forgiving her. She is a relative and she stole from me because she was convinced I was loved and she was not. I know that this memory was so wrong. I am getting there and work on it all of the time because some of what she stole from me really meant a great deal to me. I could tell she thought all she had to do was say she forgave. It is so much more than just saying the words.

Forgiving someone means looking at the experience fully as much as possible. Sometimes, that means you have to have professional help to do this and sometimes it can be done with a form of meditation. I have done it with both. Some experiences were so horrifying that I needed the professional help, to have someone with me when I did this. Other experiences were alright with my spiritual guide. I should note that I believe we all have inner spiritual connections with the Eternal or Higher Power or whatever you believe in. I think it is a source of great spiritual strength and help especially in these matters.

There is a reason I write as I do. I am not writing instructions on what everyone should be doing with one's life because I am not everyone; I am me. However, if my experience can help anyone achieve some kind of clarity in walking their own personal pathway it will be worthwhile if not well disregard. I know that everything I do is based on information I received from others, and I have disregarded some and accepted others.

Dean Ornish said in an introduction to Marianne Williamson's book, "A Course in Weight Loss"(Hay House: 2010): "When we forgive others, it doesn't excuse their actions; it frees us from our own stress and suffering." Forgiving gives us the room we need to do the healing most of us need in order to get on with our lives in a more healthy way which is my goal.

Oh oh, change.

I tweeted this morning: "Yesterday, the welcomed change brings with it dancing joy; but this morning, the same change brings with it, crippling fear." Now, instead of feeling waves and waves of happiness I am afraid of living by myself and having to do all of the work that I have asked my son to do in the past such as move this desk or fix a door hinge. Yes, I had to ask him over and over again and for months; but if I asked him enough times I would get it done.

That does not mean I am changing my mind. Far from it. I can see that letting him stay here under the conditions he is staying here is not good for me but certainly not good for him either. I helped him when he needed the help, but it is time for him to be on his own especially since not having responsibilities was creating a person who did not get out of bed and did not have to get out of bed. He had no reason to. I feel like the Mama Bird who has to push the birds out of the nest. He is one big bird and although it is a bit late it is better late than never.

The reverse is true too. I need to be kicked out of my nest. I need to fly as I used to fly years ago. I used to take care of my needs and to evaluate what I need and find my own answers as I used to do. Lots of people do it and there is no reason I can't do it too. My adult child will leave me a mess for me to fix like a few broken windows and furniture to throw out, but it can be done.

Change Again

My other son called me regarding the problems that I am having with the son that lives with me. He asked me if I really want my son and his family here. When he moved in here with me, he had no income and I let him come in and he was to work and help me with this house. Now, my son does not want to do this anymore. He has his disability checks. He does not want to pay rent nor does he want to help with the chores. I had to admit that I don't want him here anymore. He is now qualified for HUD and can now leave. My older son will take care of it for me. There will be a lot of work to clean up after him, but it will be worth it. Even when he invited his girlfriend and her son to move in, he never asked me if they could move in. They just did.

When my son asked me what I wanted, I thought about the things I wrote in these blogs and what I wrote in my journals. I have been thinking about moving out myself. I feel so much relieved that I will finally have my home back. I will be able to invite friends for visits as I will have a living room. I will be able to cook in a kitchen. I will be able to work in the yard and throw away furniture that is on cans and other such things. I will be able to live with the doors open again as I have cats. I will be able to lock the doors as he leaves the doors unlocked all of the time. I had to put a lock on my bedroom door because I could not sleep in an unlocked house. I could go on. I will be changing the locks on the house as well. The trash in the yard has been taken out but there is so much work that needs to be done.

There will be some financial changes, but I can manage. I did before. I will just live one day at a time. I feel as if I will be getting my life back.

Anger, again

This time I am dealing with anger from members of my family. I am not backing down on wanting rent from my son. We had a deal in which he could just work off the rent in some chores around the house. As I have written, towards the end of the month, I have to lay down the law and get some chores done by ordering people to do this or that. I don't want to be put in this situation. I think by having a list of things that are expected done, I should not be put into the position of parent to a child that is close to 40 years old.

The old ways of doing things when I was raising them is not going to work. I want things in writing and then they will work on their own. One has to do this or that at such and such time. That is how it is done in the real world. If my son does not like it, he can live somewhere else. I don't expect a lot of things to be done and he does none of it anyhow. His family does all of it. I just want the anger and fighting to stop.

He wanted me to sign a piece of paper agreeing to something that did not have any specific terms spelled out. I refused to do that. I am not signing a piece of paper that lets my son define the terms when he wants to.

The Fragmented Self

I use books to give me a different view of life. Occasionally, a movie will do this, but it is not as often. I have just started to read a book by Julia Serano, "Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity"(Seal: 2007). It is a library book so like so many books that I check out I have to read fast. Just the introduction is full of insights.

The introduction starts with this quote: "If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." -Audre Lorde. I started to write in my journal last night before I went to sleep that the older I get the more I attempt to put the pieces together that is myself. I don't think I am alone in this. I don't think that this is something that only women are subject to. I think we are all born into a culture and society and then split apart. This fragmenting of the self is one of the stresses we all have to deal with and for many of us there is the reality that we need to do this in order to be accepted and loved even by our families.

The thrust of Serano's book is how men devalue women's femininity but also the feminine in men as well. If a man is less masculine by his natural inclination he is less accepted by everyone as a whole such as the stereotypical gay man with the weak wrists and high voice. There was a scene in a film in which a man was beating up his wife and a transsexual stopped him and beat him up. Since the man perceived the transsexual as a woman and since he was beat up by a woman he had no choice to leave since he was disgraced. No man can be beaten up by a woman. I grew up knowing the facts of life that most men who beat up on women would never get into fights with men. My father was always beating my mother up and he knew he could especially during the days that it was legally possible to do so. It was just the facts of life and was acceptable that men did this.

I have a friend who I suspect very strongly that his wife beats him. He often has black eyes and bruises. He will never admit that she does this. It would be an embarrassment. He was unemployed for a while and she who is a stay-at-home housewife(They do not have children, thank goodness.) was really beating up on him. Many of us who knew him worried that if he didn't find a job soon she might kill him. He ended up finding a job as a federal police officer. Thank goodness he has been able to stay employed. He is a very nice man, but his wife is Hell on Wheels. He feeds the deer at night but cannot fix the carrots that he feeds them at home because his wife would get mad at him so one of the other wives fixes him an extra bag. His own wife has forbidden him, for some reason, to feed the animals at the place he works at. I have met her and even I am scared of her.

Since my quest is to be as healthy as possible, I have to join the fragmented selves that is me and that is not easy. I have to find out which parts is really me and which parts are there because society says must be there. I am considered a strong woman, but not a strong leader for I have no ambitions in that direction although I have done it and hated it. I just wanted to be strong for myself and my children. Society says I cannot be too strong. Well, I will throw that out. I will be strong for myself and write out the guilt when it occurs. Society says I have to let men take care of me. I say no. I want to take care of myself. That is easy. It is easy because I am a senior and most seniors find out that anyone who wants our checks wants to spend our checks. That is not a good idea. And on it goes. There is a saying among senior women that when you get to be our age, all men really want is a purse or a nurse. I have found that to be true for the most part regarding younger men.

The thing to do is to question everything. By doing that I can gather together all that is me and throw out the parts that is not me. I know someone who says she has always hated children and it took years to admit it. Thank goodness she did not let herself be talked into having them. When she got engaged the first thing she told her prospective husband was that she did not want children. He was taken aback at first as he assumed all women loved children, and he was not in love with the idea of having them either. He was hoping he could talk her into having only one or two. He was delighted there would be none. All they had to do was deal with both sides of the family who wanted grandchildren, but they thought they could do that.

I wanted children but was not happy about the husband part. I had my children and ended up single and although many people especially men assumed I was looking for a husband, I was pleased with my single status. I don't want to be a wife. I like being friends and lovers, but I also love being alone. I love reading more than watching television. There is nothing on television I like watching at least this year except some news shows and some programs on PBS. I used to love Nature, but there were a few episodes that were silly I switched it off. I love science, but I don't like being talked down to. I never watch network news anymore. When I did date some men, they wanted me to watch television with them and not just one or two programs but four or six hours worth. I can't do that. I even tried to wear ear buds and listen to music and read but they objected to that.

I also won't cook them dinner while they watch television. I will cook dinner but they have to be part of the preparation. If not, we can go out, and I am willing to go Dutch. Stir fry lends itself well with this sort of thing because everyone helps and it is great fun. I ended up with this preference when the last man who wanted me to fix him dinner did so while he watched football. Then he sat in front of the TV and ate his meal and never said a word to me. I would have left but he drove me to his house so I had to eat my dinner and just wait until the end of the game.

I don't date all that much but occasionally.As I wrote, I am not looking for someone to take care of although spending time with people for a while is great. Many men don't want to be alone at all. Again, there are many women who would want this, but I am not lonely. Many men don't cook for themselves and go to restaurants where there are women working who are looking for husbands. It amazes me how little it takes for people to move in with each other. Again, it depends on what each wants and what is expected. Most women's jobs don't pay as much as men's jobs, however jobs are hard to get right now. Many men in this area are retired with good pensions from jobs that used to pay fairly well. Women are living on income that does not pay as well.

Men can't admit they are lonely and want someone to live with them and take care of them in an unselfish way. All the men I have met have dated younger women who just want them to buy them things and don't want to stay home and take care of them. They want the older woman to take care of them but many of those women have their own income and don't want to spend all of those hours picking up after another man again. They don't have to anymore and although they don't have as much money as the man they can live on what they have. Many of the men just want the women to live with them and don't want to marry them. That works for some of them since both won't lose their income that way; but the men get confused when the woman gets angry at having to work all of the time. There doesn't seem to be a meeting of the minds or at least to a therapist who specialist with seniors who works with these couples. The man is retired and does not expect to work anymore but does not understand a woman who feels she shouldn't have to work when he doesn't. He just sits in his chair and expects his wife to cater to him. The therapist states that she is seeing first marriages now too.

The same goes for same sex couples. There are expectations that are unrealistic because they are based on what society has defined for couples and not what is really out there in reality. One woman who is in a same sex relationship says she gets tired of the question she and her partner get all of the time: "Who is the man and who is the woman?". Some people cannot let go of the stereotypes that seemingly define the heterosexual population although they are no more true than what exists in the homosexual population and the rest of the populations. I was in a marriage in which I was the one in charge and I hated it and so did my husband but he pushed me to make the decisions and hated it when I did. Talk about a no win situation.

Then there are women who get mad at other women who have retirement income but no husband to take care of like they do. Some of the senior centers have been the scene where feuds have broken out between these two groups. It isn't fists and hair pulling, but a problem with taunts and gossip. The therapist has been called in when they get out of hand and she finds that the groups will have underlying resentments such as women who have to care for ailing and/or demanding husbands and women who do not. She said the happiest group are the ones who have husbands who are healthy and have outside hobbies and women who have hobbies as well. She went into the first time she was called with the assumption that there was an economic issue and found that there was not the case nor was there a educational separation.

As for the men, those groups did not seem to exist at all. There were men who had political differences and those who were angry at their financial situation and those who were not. The anger was not directed towards anyone in the group but at some ill defined group "out there somewhere". They often ignored what was happening with their wives if they had them. She was never called in for any issue having to do with the men groups.

Even in the seniors, there are women who define themselves according to their looks. They do not age well. There has been many times I am behind someone with beautiful long youthful hair and when I looked at their face I have been shocked to see a very old face. It seemed like a monster. Or see someone in a scanty sexy dress with the body of a woman in her 70's. It can be surprising. Or from the opposite, there is a store that is selling sexy revealing dresses for girls six or seven years old with padded bras. Everyone has heard of the murder of a six year old beauty queen with makeup and revealing clothes that was raped and murdered in her own home. Her face with all of her jewelery and applied grown up looks appears from her many photos. She never got to grow up into the woman she really was under all that crap.

If each of us allows others to define who we are, then we become parts of those roles never really becoming the selves we really are. It took a lot to throw off the parts that were not me and to accept the parts that were. It was as if I had to make friends with myself all over again. I ended up accepting and even liking myself and discovering that process was important in accepting not only myself but everyone else. I like coming home to me and then I discover that everyone else is really not so bad.

Illness

Nothing makes one understand the importance of health than being ill. Lately, I have been sick and confine to my bed because I have been so dizzy. I made the mistake of going somewhere and fell, but fortunately no harm was done except a bit of soreness. I inadvertently ate some gluten and it was a mystery game to find out what the offending food was but I did. It was some chips. Because I live in my room and just have a microwave, I melt some cheese over some chips for a meal when I eat at home. I went to the 99Cent Store and bought some corn tostadas which cost less than the chips and they are gluten free.

At first, it occurred to me that I may have a really serious illness. After all, I am a senior. There are some conditions in life we don't recover from. We aren't going to recover from aging but as they say the alternative is worse so I will take the wrinkles and the parts of one's body that is going further south every year. At least I can continue to accept and love myself and not worry about having a partner that looks further afield and more and more at his keys as I get older.

Melodie (not her real name) lives a life she is afraid to lose and works hard to keep the ravages of age from showing because as she tells me her standard of living and her standing in the community depends on it. I find it hard to head for the gym, but she is there religiously and in fact that is how we met. Things could be worse. Melodie tells me that she can't afford to be sick. She has a lot of things she has to do for her partner from picking up his cleaning to organizing his frequent parties for his colleagues to fixing his meals when he gets homes. She even walks his pedigree dogs for him. She is very aware that if a few extra pounds find a permanent home on her body, her husband will begin to look for her replacement.

Luckily, I am better now and the world looks better and in reality it really does. The constant rainstorms have stopped for now although the frigid coldness of California spring has returned and it was under 60 degrees F. in my room this morning. I had to turn on the small heater that I have in here. That is another thing that helps me with this world. I lived for a long time in Kansas. That is practically a heat wave when I lived there. I was thinking of going somewhere today and I might even have to wear a light jacket. This time last year in Korea, I was wearing all of the jackets that I owned.

I guess most of us live our lives relative to how things were before. I used to visit this retired teacher, Andrew, in a rest home and he was miserable because his life was so much better before, as he explained, he moved there. I felt so sorry for him as he would explain about one more inconvenience that he had to put up with. I had known him before he moved there and he had one of those really nice houses on a ridge that was built right after 1960 and they were kept in great shape. All of the houses had a great view of the valley below and behind them was a solid rock wall that protected them from the winds that occasionally blow up Central Valley. They were really cottages with small but nicely designed kitchens, and two bedrooms and neat yards meant to be taken care with minimum work. He always had a cat that would sun itself on a sun porch he had installed that were full of his plants. He did have a good life. He loved his students and they loved him, but a stroke destroyed his ability to take care of himself and there was no recovery from that. He died last year when I was in Korea, and I like to think he had a smile on his face when the Grim Reaper finally came although he probably complained about the lateness of the arrival.

As I wrote, at first, when I got dizzy I did think I may have something that I may not recover from as I am at an age that some things do come that like my friend Andrew and change you life forever. However, it turned out to be something minor and I am returning to normal. I am breathing a sigh of relief. The ex-husband that stripped my house while I was in Korea has taken a downturn in his health and even with all of my anger towards him I would not have wished that on him. He can't drive himself anymore and just stays in his apartment. So far, my illnesses are recoverable. Most of the pills that I take are vitamins. I take only one prescription.

It won't always be that way. Someday, an illness won't go away, but I am not there but here today. When I was a kid, I would listen to adults discuss how they would like to exit this world and all of them wanted to go right away. You go to the rest home and so many are just lying there waiting as Andrew did for death to come and take them. I guess I am hoping I will never go to one of those homes. I would not want my relatives to take care of me either. The point is I knew how the end came to many of those people talking then. None of them had a clue how they went and neither do I. The only option I seem to have is what I am going to do today.

Latest Depression

I get little depressions and often I just take off to the lake. I thought I was just down because it has been raining and I have been sick. I thought I had a small reaction to some gluten that I ate although I could not figure out what it could be. I also had digestive problems.

I finally found out that it was some Frito-es that I was melting some cheese over for a meal. As soon as I stopped eating them, the symptoms went away. I have completely recovered at least the physical signs. I bought a gluten free sandwich that I knew to be gluten free and had a picnic at the lake. Still, I felt down and I started to write in my journal.

I am very lucky in that I do not have clinical depression. When I am feeling down, it is usually because I am angry about something that I don't want to admit or face. It took some writing on a few subjects before I discovered what the real issue was. I am mad at my grown up children and feel betrayed by their behavior. I knew in Korea this might happen. I knew what the answer would be. I just have to pay attention to my Spiritual Connection. I also have to just let it go. Bringing it to the surface meant I could face it and then get on with it. I have a friend who likes to say "Oh pull up your socks" when someone starts to feel sorry for themselves. I guess I was doing that. I was angry and feeling sorry for myself. What I have to do is pull up my socks and get on with life.

Even my hay fever is better as I have discovered that if I turn on the air conditioner with only the air, it really helps me breath. When I drive around town, I turn on the air conditioning in the car. I can breath so much better. One never knows how blessed it is to breath unimpeded when a problem with breathing is eliminated. I still don't know what it is that is bothering me. As I said, When I drive 20 minutes into the mountains, it is gone. I am hoping whatever it is, it will stop blooming or whatever soon. I usually have hay fever for three months out of the year and not for such a long time as this year.