Friday, April 15, 2011


I weighed myself at the doctor's office yesterday and felt really bad, at first. Then I stopped punishing myself. No, I said to myself. This is a way to test my own scale that I used this morning and they do match. That is good. I have an accurate scale. Another is a way to let myself know how much stress I am under here where I live. I have gained 20 lbs since coming to California.

I have a book that I record what I eat and ironically I can tell that I am eating less than when in the past. I know I don't even eat breakfast which is what I want to do since I am not hungry in the morning. There are no studies that show people need to eat in the morning so the old wives' tale is exactly that, an old wives tale.

Instead of slapping myself all over the place, I am using it to gauge the amount of stress I am allowing in my life. I have already given notice to my son to move out and he told me yesterday that he should be able to do it by May 6th although it will be difficult. He isn't even going to ask me for a loan since I don't have control over my finances as yet. He feels good that he can do this on his own. Already I can see the benefit of his succeeding solely on his own and not having help from me. I was thinking about letting their son stay here but changed my mind yesterday. It needs to be a clean break not only for him but for myself. The weight gain shows to me how important it is for me to do this for me. When I was in Korea, I ate rice burgers, french fries and cheese cake all of the time. I don't even do that here. I lost weight there but gain it here. The difference was I was alone there but not here. I also do not have a kitchen here. I soon will have one.

I was always taught that a woman alone is not a good thing. Women should be helping others. Well, I have raised two sons as a single parent. I have had both of my adult children in my home with their wives and children. It is time I have my own space. And this belief that I was taught about woman not being alone is a bunch of crap. Since coming back to California, I have made friends as I did in Korea, and I feel good about my life; but I want my own space. I love sitting in the living room and listening to NPR as I did last night as I worked on my lap top or reading a book. I have not told my son and his family to stay out of the living room but there are no televisions there as I don't watch it all that much. I have ear plugs on to listen to television programs such as Jon Stewart's Daily Show when it is rebroadcast-ed on the Internet. I don't have to sit in my bed all day in my room as I have been doing since I returned.

I plan on getting the yard back in shape once my son and his family leave. Already, I took the trash cans back from the street as their son forgot to do it as he was supposed to do. That was the reason I changed my mind about his staying here. I could see my doing this once they were gone and I don't want to do this anymore. I want to retire from being a mother. They need to take responsibility for him after all they are taking his Social Security checks and spending it. I need the exercise in doing in taking care of the yard.

I can keep the bedroom doors open so the cats can move freely. I will have two refrigerator as they are leaving one behind. They broke the freezer that I had in the basement so that is fine.

I have always felt that there was a good and bad side to everything. Now, I even go further and say there are no sides at all. There is the reality of it all. I like that even better.

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