Yesterday, I drove up to the lake just to think and read and ended up changing on how I view some parts of my life in a huge way. In some ways, I think I lost my innocence towards my grown children. I don't think I will get caught being so "flatfooted " again. I was so wrong about them although the facts were there, I just did not want to see them. It's not that I don't love them anymore for that would never happen, its just that I won't be so wide-eyed innocent about it because it is not in my best interests to be so.
I know a man named Benjamin who is a bit older than I am. He has become angry with the world because everything he believed about it has turned out not to be the truth. His own children have lives of their own and don't find the time to spend with him as they did when they were kids. They have their own families, interests, jobs and he gets cranky after a few minutes and complains about everyone being different than the people he knew years ago.
I have lost some innocence about my children, but I believe that as I change over the years they have as well. We all have done so. I am not one of those people like Benjamin who think that the young people today are any different than the young people 30 or 40 years ago. They do things differently as they have computers and the Internet. We all have the same goals, dreams and aims in life. We all want to be happy.
I think I wrote in here a while back that I rarely see kids playing outside although there are plenty of them in my neighborhood they are inside watching television and playing games on computers and gameboys and such things. As kids, we used to play games too but not on television but in the streets and in the school yards. There were always some bureaucrat trying to lock up the school yard after school was over until kids got hit by cars. Then parks and school yards were opened. Now, they are in the homes and the only parts of their bodies getting exercise are their fingers.
To get back to my loss of innocence, I just assumed that what I wanted out of life was what my grown up children wanted. Well, that is not the case. My ex-husband who trashed my house called my son who is still living with me and asked him to take pictures of my yard. that struck terror in my heart. Then my son said that he did not know if I could afford to live here and I knew they were getting ready to not only force my other son out but me as well. My son said houses were investments. No, I said. They were homes. How different we are on how we view property. I did not buy this house as an investment but as a place to live in. To my son, the bottom line is the most important line of his existence. To be fair, things change with him as they do with me although I doubt if I will ever adopt such a line of reasoning. The pictures will not be taken.
I will decide on whether or not I will continue to live here. There might come a time I can't make such decisions but I am not there. I informed my son of that. I also informed my son that my ex-husband, his father is not welcomed at my house and I will call the police if he shows up. I am changing the locks and no one will have a key but me.
Nothing will bring back what happened to my house while I was in Korea last year. I have to go on with my life although I don't want to see my kids' father anymore and will not allow him near me or my home again.
While I was at the lake, I got phone call after phone call from my grown children. My son tried to bully me into doing what he wanted me to do. I said no. Not all that long ago, male grown-up children had the right to put their mothers and wives in institutions against their will. It is called "5150" and that was waved at me except I have worked all of my life. I know this sort of injustice was changed a long time ago. No one can be put in a institution against their will except if they are a danger to themselves or someone else and it is not an easy process to do with all sorts of doctors who have to sign on the dotted line. I do not meet those criteria. I have a current doctor and nurse practitioner and I am certainly not suicidal and have never been a danger to anyone.
I told my son that I treasure above all things my freedom and I have an independent income. If I have to walk away from my house I will do so and already have an apartment that I want to move into in Portland, Oregon. If I have to take just my clothes and my journals and laptop I can easily do it. No one is going to restrict me. I have a few years left in which I am healthy enough to be independent. I also want to continue to write and read. I will not give that up for nothing. I want to stay where I am now as I just returned to this country, but I will move if necessary. My son backed down for now, but I have been forewarned.
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