September 12, 2009 'Dieting'

I know that I am putting down what I am eating, but I want to make it clear that I am not on a diet. There is no doubt that over the years as I have been on diets and lost weight it actually made me even more over-weight than I was in the first place. Hirschmann and Munter in the book that I put in my bibliography stated that "diets turn us into compulsive eaters." They further claim that diets also make women sick. (p.xi)

There is no doubt that I have internalized the attitudes of a culture that treats women as inferior and takes the position that they should look a certain way and judges them strictly on how well they conform to those requirement. I don't want to hate my body anymore, but I do admit that my problem with food is not simply a problem with self-image. It goes deeper than that, however I am battling some of that prejudice as well as PTSD.

There is a reason why the title of this blog is "getting healthier" and not more attractive or getting a boyfriend or improving one's romantic life. I am on a quest to do just that, get healthier and that means in a mental and physical way. I am going to learn to cook and not binge on whatever is handy. I am going to eat food that feeds my body and gives it the things it needs and not gets rid of the hungry pangs. I will also determine whether or not I am really hungry or just trying to stop the fear that creeps up when I have not eaten. There is more. I will explore them as I go along.

Exercise is a real barrier right now. I don't know how I am going to overcome that, but I will take it one day at a time. I can't have it all of a sudden. I only started this blog a short time ago. I have felt really bad because I was spending a lot of time sleeping and watching television. I wanted to spend more time writing and working at my job here at home writing. Finally, I seem to be able to get that started and the depression that was dogging my steps everyday has been lifting. I no longer spend a great deal of time shopping, eating and sleeping.

Sometimes it is a matter of learning what we do to ourselves unconsciously. I was doing a lot of self-punishing. Instead when I am really coming down hard on myself, I can usually stop and tell myself to cut some slack. The hardest thing to do now is to leave this cage that has the door open and to do what I really want to do. Who would have thought that doing what one wants to do would be so darn hard? It is. I have looked forward to this time in my life all of life but never really planned beyond it. I want to be thinner and healthier but I never planned beyond that. Now, it is time to change so many of my habits and to do it now in a mindful way.