Tuesday, September 15, 2009

September 15, 2009 'Self-Hatred'

This is a hard post to write. I woke up to someone at my house who wanted me to see a possible new apartment he might rent. I went with him and I liked it. We went to the rental office where he put in his paperwork and they will call him if his application is approved. Then we went out to lunch.

I did not have time to take a bath although I had one yesterday and had clean clothes on this morning. I was so aware of my overweight all through the morning. My friend did not care nor did anyone that I met throughout the morning. I just felt so horrible that I could not wait to get back to my house and close the door. I have not gained weight and looked presentable. I just could not stop the feeling of self-loathing and it kept snowballing.

I ate lunch and it was well within my food plan. I did not "pig out" at the restaurant. I am not doing it now.

Last night I wrote about my ex-husband and I think that is why I felt such a huge outburst of self-hatred. I was feeling guilty, perhaps for letting loose my anger at the way he never forgot a grudge. I really went into it and was so surprised how extensive it was. I still don't understand how angry it was at me. Then I began to understand the toll it took on him, harboring all of that anger.

All during the time I was with the person looking for the apartment I felt ugly and useless. I am not ugly and useless. I had no issues with the person I was with except he reminded me of my ex-spouse. Luckily, he is not a grudge keeper and we did not discuss my ex-spouse at all.

Whenever I work on issues from the past and drag them out into the light, something reacts inside of me. I don't know why it does. It feels as if I am giving up a secret and became a snitch. That was the way it was in my family. One did not snitch. Although the only eyes who saw my secrets about Dan was my journal, I felt funny doing it. I felt my family's behavior was my fault too. Dan was my first spouse. He did things that I never told anyone except in my journal. I know I blamed myself for his behavior and for the sick things he did. I am not to blame for adults and what they do. I am to blame only for what I do.

Sometimes at this one job site which was very dysfunctional the supervisor would get mad at what he thought I was thinking. I filed a complaint about a penalty he filed against me for what he thought I was thinking about with the union. Of course, he lost. Even his supervisor laughed at him for that one. I am not responsible for no one, I repeat, no one but myself. I have no children. They are all over the age of 30 years of age. I am on my own and responsible for just me. My ex-spouse used that on me over and over again. (I know I am repeating this but I want to make this perfectly clear.) I think I would have dreamed about it but took a pill last night for dizziness that really helps me sleep. I did not dreamed about anything.

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