September 13, 2009 'Self-Image'

Years ago, I help take care of an elderly woman who was in her early 90's. She was barely conscious of where and who we were. She already had dementia and she was to die in a short time later. I looked at her thin body and for a split second I envied her small body. I was horrified at my reaction. I did not want to be in her condition for anything in the world although she had lived a very full and good life, she was at the end of it and I envied the fact that she had a small and thin body.

When I get up in the morning and head for the shower, I hate to look in the mirror and see my double chin and my stomach. When I am going someplace, I look in the long mirror in my bedroom and always check my butt. I hate seeing good friends because I am afraid I am going to lose them because of my overweight although it does not seem to make a difference. My partner calls me "the cat's pajamas" whatever that means.

One time when I was visiting in Kansas City, Mo. I went to West Port where I went to a woman's book store where there was a concert. A woman singer was performing who had tremendous self confidence and I know she was about my size and she felt great about herself. I want to be like that woman.

"Bad Body Fever Syndrome" is real for me. I know it is one way of keeping women in their place as far as culture is concerned. It helps pour money into advertisers' coffers and makes most women cringe in front of mirrors. Sometimes I feel guilty in eating food at all. I think I have no right to eat. I should just slink off somewhere and hide. I know people look at me and think I am someone who has no control over what I eat although when I order things in restaurants I never order what thinner women do. I could never order sandwiches, pastries, nothing but just coffee and Vivannos. I don't even order salads anymore because of the dressings. The reason I don't order all of those things is that they contain gluten. It does not matter. I have had doctors tell me not to eat so much cake or donuts. I never eat them. If I go to a restaurant for a hamburger, I have to have one without a bun and I will no longer eat french fries because they cause cancer.

Part of this plan is to stop the self-hate. I want to be free of this. I want to feel free to leave the house. I don't want to hate any part of my body.