Last night I had nightmares. It was a direct result of the work I did in here about my family's meals as a child. I had not thought about my family or mealtimes with them for a long time. When I got irritated about reading Donald Altman's experiences as a child that he described in his book, "Art of the Inner Meal", with his family and the Jewish ritual meal, itself, I had decided to dig into my own reaction to his descriptions. I did not sleep well either.
You would think that events that happened so long ago with people now deceased would not have that much of an effect, but taking the lid off of the jar that has events that have been festering for years does have the same reaction as when you take the lid off a jar that has food spoiling for a long time. Whew! Yet, it has to be done otherwise it just sits there. Someone might say, just throw it away and be done with it. Oh, if only it was that easy. We would not have needed the Sigmund Freuds and Carl Jungs of this world. They could have gone into other areas of medicine. Every morning we could have special trash trucks that would pick up our discarded jars of unwanted memories and things that are too painful to recollect. The mind just does not work that way except in those rare exceptions when some people forget all memories in the last few minutes.
"Dear, I am ready for breakfast."
"You ate breakfast already."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"Then how come I am still hungry."
"Because it is lunchtime."
"Oh."
I had an ex-husband that when I was married to him, he thought I was foolish in trying to remember things from my past. I would quote Socrates: "An unexamined life is not worth living." He was not very nice in that he would deny things that did happen just to fool around with my mental health. I did not catch on to that for a very long time. I guess I did not want that part to be true. After all, you want your spouse to be your best friend. He had a point that the nightmares that I had last night illustrate only too well. When you uncover something so awful, so distasteful well it kicks back like an unruly horse. I got kicked last night.
One of the dreams that I had was that I was in a Senior Citizen Hall and everyone was leaving. I stayed behind for some reason. I was toward the end of the room and I heard a rustling behind these brown thin curtains. I lifted them up and there were these large, almost armored fish living behind and in the curtains. Now that I think about it in the daylight of today, it seems a bit silly; but it was a nightmare last night. I tried to call out to the others what I had discovered. Instead of living in water, they were living in these unsightly curtains. The curtains were so familiar. I still do not remember them and have none in my house as I favor blinds. These curtains were too long for the windows. The reasons I don't like curtains is that they carry dust. All you have to do is vacuum blinds. They looked like tarp and had different hues of color mostly green. I may have seen them in restaurants like The Grand Buffet. Instinctively, I knew they were connected to the work I did with my family's meals.
Maybe I overeat to compensate for not having food in the first place, but I do have Celiac Disease which is a form of starving which is ironic when you think about it. I can't get enough food so I overeat. I try taking vitamins but never found any that did not give me a severe case of the runs. In fact, lots of things give me a severe case of the runs including Splenda. I also take some medication to help with a small amount of seizures which has a side affect of taking away of one's appetite. It does not work in helping lose weight. I never took that medication before because I so rarely got the seizures but that is because I kept my blood sugar high which seemed to help. I rarely keep my blood sugar high anymore which is why I now have to take the medication. I do know that I am scared to be hungry, but that is another subject.
I don't like thinking of my parents, eating with them and that sort of thing. Heavens know what kind of issues they had themselves. Years later, my mother was always trying to feed me which was strange. She would get mad if she found out that I liked Chinese food (which I did) and preferred to eat in restaurants instead of her house which I did. She ate out a lot when she could but it was after the death of my father.
It is unknown where all of this will lead me. I am not going to worry about it. I am going to take one day at a time. I do know that the more I write about this process, the easier it is. One of the things I have learned is not to listen to anyone. I listen to me. I do take under advisement what others say especially my doctor who I trust, but I take to heart what the Buddha Gautama said and that is to run everything people say through one's heart and mind and if it rings true accept it and if it does not throw it out.
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