Friday, January 28, 2011

Advantages and disadvantages

I am reading a biography of Peter Mark Roget ("The Man Who Made Lists: Love, Death, Madness, and the Creation of Roget's Thesaurus" by Joshua Kendall Putnam: 2008) that I checked out of the library yesterday. Roget lost his father at a very early age and his mother was obsessed with him and had no interest in his sister. She read everything he wrote in his notebooks even when he wrote in other languages such as French and Latin. He learned not to express his thoughts and opinions. He carried this habit throughout his life.

As a child, I had filled notebooks full of my writings which included stories, journals, opinions and such. No one in my family cared what I put in those notebooks. No one cared what books I read. Like Roget's family, the real star was the son. No one cared about his sister and what she was doing. No one cared about my sister and I.

Certainly, I suffered from this neglect and I remember feeling the pain and sorrow of no one caring about me because I was not a boy. I was considered not important, not essential. I was rejected as a human being. As I have written in earlier posts, I am a optimistic person. Where there is a down side, there is an up side as well.

There was a lot of attention given to my brother. My mother did all of his homework so he could play with his friends so he never learned all that he was supposed to learn in school. I had to do my own. He had a bike and later a car so he could go where he wanted. I had to walk and later to use his bike when he got a car. I was healthier because I used my own two feet. My mother would give my brother cigarettes from my father when he asked for them and he became very addicted to them. I was slapped when I asked. I never smoked.

In Roget's case, he turned down the help his mother gave him. He kept his notebooks and compiled lists that later turned into the "Roget's Thesaurus" that everyone knows today. My brother had trouble dealing with the problems of too much mother love. It ended up killing my brother as he killed himself years later.

I felt free to read what I wanted. I also felt free to write what I wanted to as well. Maybe because the number of people reading my blogs are few that it does not bother me, it gives me tremendous freedom to write what I want to write. I really love to express myself on these blogs. I learned that the only person who would stop me from expressing what I wanted to say was myself. Of course, I took my hints from the outside world, but the buck stopped with me. That is the advantage in having people not interested in one's work as a child.

I wrote down in earlier posts on this blog that I am not happy with the controls that one of my sons is putting on me as far as my financial situation. I am still not happy with that and am still working to remove those restrictions. Still, there are advantages for I was taken advantage by my relatives although not that son. I had a tendency to hoard things which I have been cured. I live basically in one room now. I am learning to say no to my grandsons.

I would love to live alone in a house again only because I want to safeguard my things in case I take a trip again. I have a lock on my door, but it would not take much to get into my room should I take a small trip which I intend to do this summer. It would not be the son who lives in my house that is the problem but that ex-husband again. On the other hand, I used to think that I was too hasty in divorcing him and that all of those times he would tell me my perceptions about him were in my mind might have been correct, I now know were right on. That is a relief.

As I said, there are advantages and disadvantages to every situation. My son who controls my financial situation feels that I am not competent to handle my own affairs and that people take advantage of me. I lived a year in Korea and had no problems. I know someday I might have some problems, but I am alright for now. Even my doctor agrees with me. I am hoping that I will never have to live in any sort of home but on my own. It really upset a favorite aunt of my mine to share a room with three others in the last years of her life. She, like me, loved her privacy. Old age places or homes don't recognize the need for seniors to have solitude. Efficiency is prized over the needs of the individual. I really doubt if this will change in my lifetime. It will be best if I can take care of myself for the rest of my life. I am hoping I can do this. The majority of seniors live out their lives on their own terms.I want to be this way too.

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